WISE WORDS from the man!

[jeffkaos]

wise words from the mouth of Homer Simpson

Homer and work ethics:

"If something is hard to do, then it’s not worth doing".

Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in everyday and do it really half assed. That’s the American way. (

Life advice:

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I want to share something with you- the three little sentences that will get you through life. Number one: 'cover for me!' Number two: 'Oh, good idea boss.' Number three: ' it was like that when I got here!' (

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. (

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Hey, if you’re going to get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I’ll just have to stop doing stupid things!

Just squeeze your rage into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time. Like that day I hit that referee with a whiskey bottle. ‘Member that? (

Marge, don’t discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals. (Pause) . Except from the weasel. (

Come here Apu. If it’ll make you feel better, I’ve learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you wish Flanders was dead.

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I’m a white male. Aged 18-49. Everyone listens to me. No matter how dumb my suggestions are.

Don’t let Krusty’s death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, goodnight.

Son, there’s only one thing punks like that understand; squealing. You got to squeal to every teacher and every grown up you can find. Coming to me was a good start. (

Oh well of course, everything looks bad if you remember it

Homer on God:

It’s OK Marge. I’ve learned my lesson. A mountain of sugar is too much for one man. It’s clear now why God portions it out in those tiny packets, and why he lives on a plantation in Hawaii.

Homer on Money:

A hundred bucks!? For a comic book? Who drew it, Micha- ma -langelo?

Once upon a time, there was a big, mean lion who got a thorn in his paw and all the village people tried to pull it out, but nobody was strong enough. So, they got Hercules and Hercules used his mighty strength and bing! Anyway, the moral of the story is: the lion was so happy, he gave Hercules this big thing of riches.

Homer and TV:

See Marge, you knock TV and then it helps you out. I think you owe someone an apology.

Homer on Food:

See these? American donuts. Glazed, powdered and raspberry-filled. Now how's that for freedom of choice?

Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?

"The way I figure it, if the candy stays in the machine for more than a year, it’s up for grabs." Homer to Lisa when she comes to his work.

Homer on Old People

Aw, Dad, you’ve done a lot of great things, but you’re a very old man, and old people are useless.

Marge, please, old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied, so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use. (

Second Class? What about Social Security, bus discounts, Medic-Alert jewellery, Gold Bond powder, pants all the way up to your armpits, and all those other senior perks? Oh, if you ask me, old folks have it pretty sweet.

Homer on Sports:

Son, when you participate in sporting events. It’s not whether you win or lose; it’s how drunk you get! (

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else- and it hasn’t- it’s that girls should stick to girls’ sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such. (

If horse racing is the sport of kings, then surely bowling is a …very good sport as well.

Homer on Kids:

Kids, kids, kids. As far as Daddy’s concerned, you’re both potential murderers. (

"You know, my kids think you’re the greatest. And thanks to your gloomy music, they’ve finally stopped dreaming of a future I can’t possibly provide." To Billy Lorgan of Smashing Pumpkins. ()

Homer and Justice for all:

Stealing?! How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain What’s his name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughin’. Did you?

Homer on Homer:

Alone! I’m alone! I’m a lonely insignificant speck on a has been planet orbited by a cold, indifferent sun! .

Homer on Beer:

I’ve figured an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically, we become a family of travelling acrobats.

Now son, you don’t want to drink beer. That’s for Daddy’s and kids with fake I.D.’s. ()

To alcohol! The cause of – and solution to- all of life’s problems. (