Interesting...

[jennEfer]

For all of you who go to Rutgers, you know what the Medium is.... for all those who don't, let me explain, briefly. The Medium is a paper that comes out on the stands every wednesday. Its kind of a perverted version of the Onion with lots of pictures of naked women, penis jokes, making fun of bob saget being gay, etc... basically a paper taking full advantage of "freedom of the press", full of immature humor. Well, for once I found a glimmer of intellegence in one of the articles... and I thought it would be amusing to share with my fellow Clubplaneteers. (Spelling and gramatical mistakes are a part of the Medium flavor, nothing to do with me)

Give Me Terrorism

Osama Ben Schactman (Obviously not a real name)

It is over. The teary-eyed, staple-a-flag-to-everything-you-own, postpartum depression is over. Finally. It’s okay, finally, to sneak in just the tiniest September 11 th joke, here and there, its cropping up on prime-time, humorous publications, and at cocktail parties. Although we still cannot quite say it. We say, “the WTC incident” or the “9-11” incident, as if the ironic coincidence was nearly biblical in significance. The attack on “the homeland.” Now we can turn to the task at hand, unmasking the heartless bastards who took advantage of their fellow Americans in those

tragic days, rebuilding our economy, our pride, our nation. We can get back to making fun of the President. We can stop opening our mail with gas masks on. In short, we can go back to being lazy, blissfully ignorant Americans. The shuddering spasm of world-consciousness is over.

But what were we so fired up about? As the death toll slowly dropped from its exaggerated heights, we realized, not as many people died. People complained as we scaled back those big black numbers on headlines, as if we were removing the significance, mortality by mortality from the day. For simplicity, simple and cold hearted, lets put the death toll at three thousand. That’s less than the five thousand four hundred and eighty nine lonely old senior citizens who killed themselves in 1999. That’s less than the fourteen thousand who died from AIDS. That’s less than the fifty thousand who died in sweatshops in south-east Asia. In fact, over the last ten years, more people have been killed by toasters than terrorists.

Last year tobacco caused 400,000 deaths. That’s more than a

hundred times the terrorist death toll. It cost U.S. taxpayers over fifty billion dollars in Medicaid and Medicare to directly fight cigarette related medical problems. That’s more than even the most unfrugal Republican congress could amass to fight the “axis-of-evil.” In fact, given the choice, I’d take fundamentalist Islamic terrorists over Phillip Morris, every day. While George Bush stood on national television and proclaimed this tragedy of national importance, created a new cabinet office, and bent the Constitution around his turgid phallic will, Phillip Morris raked in more on cigarette sales, in one year, than the terrorist caused in total financial damage to the United States ever. The total U.S. citizen death toll from terrorist attacks sits around 10,000. The total Phillip Morris death toll stands in the millions. Anyday, I’d take Osama Bin Laden over Phillip Morris.

First of all, the terrorists are honest. They admit, right up front, they want to topple the United States, from Madison Avenue to Sunset Boulevard, they want ashes to rain down. They tell you right up front. Phillip Morris claims not to know cigarettes were cancer causing. They claim not know that nicotine was more addictive than heroin, something that has been known in psychopharmacology for decades. They claim to not even know why they were steadily increasing the amount of nicotine. Certifiably, front to back, bullshit. Second of all, the terrorists won’t charge you a fucking dime. They paid their own way, bought their own fake passports, box-cutters and shoe-bombs. Phillip Morris and his bedfellows not only kill forty times more Americans every year than terrorists have ever killed, but he makes an extremely good living at it. Third of all, think of the cuisine. Islam offers us a healthy sober diet of vegetables, couscous, and lean camel meat. Phillip Morris offers us a high-starch, high-fat diet of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, shitty second-rate pilsner beers whose brand names aren’t even worth mentioning, and of course the aforementioned cancer sticks.

So go ahead, smoke your cigarettes. You’ll get your buzz, you’ll look cool, and I’ll probably bum one off of you. But just remember, to anyone who can count, you’re more efficient terrorists than ten Osama Bin Ladens. Of course, the American public has the memory of a fucking Goldfish. If it isn’t a motherfucking Boeing 747 flying into the nation’s largest twin

skyscrapers, then we don’t even fucking blink. We are stupid, complacent smug fuckers. We are goddamn teary-eyed flag waving imbeciles. Terrorism? We trained these people to fight the Russians, then fucked them over when the Russians weren’t worth fighting. Just like we did in Iran. Just like we did in Iraq. Ronald Reagan built the Axis of Evil. He sent them missiles, he sent them operatives, and he sent them money. Hundreds and thousands of John Walkers fought Iran alongside Iraq, then switched sides to fight Iraq alongside Iran.

The FBI defines Terrorism as “ the unlawful use of force or violence against persons or property to intimidate or coerce a government, the civilian population, or any segment thereof, in furtherance of political or social objectives.” What the fuck were we doing in the Middle-East? What the fuck were we doing in South America? Vietnam? What was Wounded Knee? What was the Bay of Pigs? How do we watch these hypocritical genocidal sycophants on television giving us the state of the union without

retching? Who has the spine to say, “we brought this upon ourselves,” to anyone but him or anyone but him or herself in the most terrifyingly embarrassed of internal monologs? For every American life ended by a terrorist, there are thousands of others who have died becauseAmericans decided that someone else’s way of life was wrong.

“No,” you say, “it was someone else. It was a politician, it was a soldier, it was a different time and a different generation.” Fuck you. It was your politician. It was your solider. It is your

generation. Fess up, you fucking slackers. Fess up, you fucking bastards. Fess up. I will. I am a complacent, ignorant member of the world-ruling class. Oppression, tyranny, disease and death from the Sudan to the South Bronx is mine. And yours too. I killed every single fucking man, woman and child in the World Trade Center and I’m glad I did. Because maybe, just maybe, now you stupid hypocritical bastards will finally, finally wake up, fess up, and stand up. So give me a pint of Guinness for the Sinn Fein,

give me a line of coke for Columbia, give me a big fat fucking blunt for Cuba and lace it with that sweet, sweet oily opium for Afghanistan. Give me terrorism, because things are going to change, one way or another, and this shit is going down, one way or another, so give me terrorism. Give it to me with full additional supplementary online commentary from MSNBC and

maybe someone will get the point. Give me terrorism.

[Xpander]

ahh, life...as it were...

It's all a matter of priorities anyways...

Can anyone discount what the article stated?

How accurate is this guy...?

I do wonder...

[nycmuzik]

I'd like to know the exact number of people killed by toasters in the last ten years......

[jennEfer]

Its the medium... people are silly.

Here... go to the website and you will see what I mean:

http://www.themedium.net/archives/spring02/022702.pdf

[tranzmuzik2k1]

i agree, how the fuck did more people die by toasters? i am never eating toast for breakfast ever again, unless i wear a full rubber suit

[Bebby]

Originally posted by tranzmuzik2k1

i agree, how the fuck did more people die by toasters? i am never eating toast for breakfast ever again, unless i wear a full rubber suit

:laugh: ... kind of scary to this about.. I dont see it being true tho