naomi1 Posted June 13 Report Share Posted June 13 >NEW COMPANY RULES > > >SICK DAYS: >We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness.; >If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. > >SURGERY: >Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, >you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. >We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach >of contract. > >PERSONAL DAYS: >Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. >They are called Saturday & Sunday. > >VACATION DAYS: >All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The>vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 10 & Dec. 25 > >BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: >This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do fordead >friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have >non- employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, whereemployee >involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late >afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch >hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the >work is done. > >OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH: >This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two >weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement. > >RESTROOM USE: >Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future,we >will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, >all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, >employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and soon. >If >you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait>until >the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergenciesemployees >may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must >approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict >3-minute time limit in the stalls. At >the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll >will retract, the stall door will open, and the seat will eject you. > >DRESS CODE: >It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.If >we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we >assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a >raise. > >LUNCH BREAK: >Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that >they can look healthy; normal sized people get 30 minutes for lunch toget >a >balanced meal to maintain the average figure; fat people get 5 minutes >for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast &take a >diet >pill. > >Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a >positive >employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, >complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, >allegations, >accusations, contemplations, consternations or input, should bedirected >elsewhere. > >Have a nice week. >The Management Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lenan Posted June 13 Report Share Posted June 13 Shit, sounds like where I work!!! <~~~ me at work! to corporate america! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xtreme-1 Posted June 14 Report Share Posted June 14 But i own my own business and i hire girls on how slutty they dress and there oral skills!!!! LMAO Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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