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georgym

How do you gain trust from someone who's been hurt ?

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I know that, unfortunately, some people have gone through relationships that may have been hurtful to us. Either by infidelity, lying, or betrayal.

My question is, say you're starting to see someone that has been in that situation. YOu try and try to have them trust you, but it seems like whatever you do, they put up walls or securities to avoid being hurt again.

What can one do to instill faith and trust that it won't happen with this new person?/?

p.s. i had this discussion with a fellow cp'er last night, i''ll post my opinion later. I just want more feedback :)

Thanks,

~papa smurf

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I've been there. I've been hurt a few times and when it comes time to get involved in a new relationship the one thing that person can do to gain my trust is be patient, understanding and want to wait it out.

Nothing shows a lack of trust more than someone who can't understand why someone who has been hurt can't trust.

Trust is something that builds itself slowly and therefore takes time to develop. My best advice is stick by the person, try and help them out understand that there is baggage from a previous relationship or two and just stick to it.

Being pushy or getting angry at the situation is what will most likely push that person away.

Personally if someone isn't willing to at least understand why I have my own reservations about getting into a relationship then they aren't worth the time. Patients works best, if you stick through it then trust will build itself slowly.

just my opinion of course. :)

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All you can do is be patient and give it time... *show* the person that you are trustworthy.

Sadly, some people have been so badly burned that they're just completely unable to trust, at least at this point in their lives... unfortunately, there's not much you can do for them if they're not willing or able to work out their issues. When you run across someone like this, you have to decide how long you're willing to deal with it, because instead of being someone's significant other you may very well end up being their psychiatrist instead!

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Originally posted by tastyt

All you can do is be patient and give it time... *show* the person that you are trustworthy.

Yup.

Sadly, some people have been so badly burned that they're just completely unable to trust, at least at this point in their lives... unfortunately, there's not much you can do for them if they're not willing or able to work out their issues.

I think it was the doctor in the book "The Cider House Rules" who said, "You can't really save anyone, only love them." It's true... people really do have to come around for themselves... the best you can do is be there for them and hopefully facilitate the process.

When you run across someone like this, you have to decide how long you're willing to deal with it, because instead of being someone's significant other you may very well end up being their psychiatrist instead!

Ain't that the truth. :(

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Originally posted by tastyt

All you can do is be patient and give it time... *show* the person that you are trustworthy.

Exactly...how do you gain someone's trust? Slowly....very very very slowly...

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Originally posted by ReginaP

Exactly...how do you gain someone's trust? Slowly....very very very slowly...

I see...

So basically it's lke building blocks, and after going through various activities, both with and without, trust should come naturally?

I think that doing things , such as surprising that person with a gift, or being able to go out with friends and show that nothing happened, are both ways to instill trust into a relationship.

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Originally posted by gmccookny

I think that doing things , such as surprising that person with a gift, or being able to go out with friends and show that nothing happened, are both ways to instill trust into a relationship.

Those are good ideas... but... some people will interpret a gift as an apology in the first case, and won't let themselves believe that nothing happened in the second case.

There are some really insecure people out there... and that's why I get so upset when I see the kinds of behaviors certain posters promote...

Compassion is a dying sentiment.

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i agree that there are any "tricks" to getting someone to trust again, besides being trustworthy yourself and showing that you will love him or her freely. it's really not about you, it's about that hurt person.

unfortunately, caring for someone who is emotionally closed and/or reactive because the person is scared of being hurt can be very frustrating. i've definitely played both roles myself... and it IS hard to maintain a perspective that doesn't draw too heavily on your own fears and frustrations.

"Nothing shows a lack of trust more than someone who can't understand why someone who has been hurt can't trust" ... wow, how i wish i could have said that as eloquently to my ex.

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It takes a lot of sincerity and honesty. Once someone has been hurt, they are always a lil jaded, even if he/she doesn't want to

be...... THey have to learn to trust and develope a genuine bond with you....

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Originally posted by gmccookny

So basically it's lke building blocks,

...sometimes they will appear to be more like dominos than blocks...

I am jaded about being jaded...I will have to come to terms with that when I start dating again...whatever year that's going to happen...because Everyone and I mean Everyone has luggage...

Patience and Understanding...it is that simple...but people have been driven off by misjudgment so beware...my friend's sister-in-law went way too far with her ex, between the calling and the questioning...uggg..and the guy gave her no reason for any of this...it was all based on her prior relationship...eventually he couldnt take it...i honestly cant blame him...

Everyone has their bags...but if they cant seem to lift them, my advice is RUN....RUN...and dont look back..

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Originally posted by tastyt

All you can do is be patient and give it time... *show* the person that you are trustworthy.

Sadly, some people have been so badly burned that they're just completely unable to trust, at least at this point in their lives... unfortunately, there's not much you can do for them if they're not willing or able to work out their issues. When you run across someone like this, you have to decide how long you're willing to deal with it, because instead of being someone's significant other you may very well end up being their psychiatrist instead!

Totally agree. You need to give the person time, so they can learn to trust. But sometimes the other half gets tired. Shit I've been waiting for 9 months for someone to trust me. Now, I do have to admit that the relationship has progressed, but its still not 100%. Sometimes, its hard for the other party to understand why you don't trust them, because they know themselves, and they know that they are a good person. Sometimes I find myself becoming resentful of the other person who did the damage, because I find myself picking up the pieces. Now, I don't mind picking up the pieces, but sometimes it drains you emotionally as well, and you become angry at the person, even though you know its not their fault, and you don't want to blame them. The best advice I can give you is this: When dealing with a person thats been hurt you must be very careful, if you're not looking to have a "title", and you can deal with that, then by all means proceed, but if you're looking at this person to be something more to you, then you need to step back, and evaluate your emotional strength, cause let me tell you it'll take alot out of you. If you know you can handle it, then give it a go, but don't expect a miracle overnight, or anytime soon in that case. Bad Experiences stick with some for a while. :cool:

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