wisdom by homer j simpson

[Guest gabo]

The Wit and Wisdom of

Homer Simpson

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

I've always been a firm believer in the three Rs. Reading TV Guide, writing to TV Guide and renewing TV Guide.

It's true I'm a rageoholic. I'm addicted to rageohol.

In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then

you get the women.

Look at all this great stuff I found at the Marina. It was just

sitting in some guy's boat!

You never know when an old calendar might come in handy! Sure, it's

not 1985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?

Can we go home? All this fresh air is making my hair move and I

don't know how long I can complain.

Yes, honey, just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and

release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the

whiskey bottle.

We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all

those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughing,

did you?

Oh, well, of course, everything looks bad if you remember it.

Alcohol is my way of life, and I aim to keep it.

The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be

a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you.

Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way

you do.

Flanders, it's no use praying. I already did the same thing, and we

can't both win.

No offense, Apu, but when they were handing out religions you must

have been out taking a whizz.

There are only so many times I can say sorry and still mean it.

Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex.

It's also the food preparation.

Consider them smacked and hugged. I don't consider it a message if

it's not mixed anyway.

If God had wanted me to go to church for an hour a week, he would

have made the week an hour longer.

Leaves of four, eat some more!

Dear Lord, thank you for this microwave bounty, even though we don't

deserve it. I mean, our kids are uncontrollable Hellions, pardon my French,

but they act like savages! Did you see them at the picnic? Oh, of course you

did, you're everywhere, you're omnivorous.

It's because they're stupid. That's why everyone does everything.

Hallucinations again? I probably shouldn't have eaten that packet of

powdered gravy I found in the parking lot.

This gun had a hold on me. I felt this incredible surge of power,

like God must feel when he's holding a gun.

But I used to rock and roll all night and party every day, then it

was every other day. Now I'm lucky if I can find half an hour a week in

which to get funky.

Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American Dream?

Why, you could wake up tomorrow and be dead.

You gave both dogs away? You know how I feel about giving.

With $10,000, we can be millionaires!

It's going to take a lot of fireworks to clean this mess up.

Ah, beer. My love for you will never die.

The fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug was the

drugs.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you

win or lose-it's how drunk you get.

Lisa, if you don't like your job, you don't strike-you just go in

every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or

the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at

you?

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is,

never try.

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but

somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that

will get you through life. Number one, "Cover for me." Number two, "Oh, good

idea, boss!" Number three, "It was like that when I got here."

Because sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is

by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel

good about themselves!

Asleep at the switch? I wasn't asleep, I was drunk!

Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch

cartoons, and Lisa doesn't get to go to college.

Marge, I can't wear a pink shirt to work. Everybody wears white

shirts. I'm not popular enough to be different.

Homer: Well, he's got all the money in the world, but there's one

thing he can't buy.

Marge: What's that?

Homer: A dinosaur!

If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing!

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for

it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak

English.

Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're

prejudiced against all races.

I know I'm not usually a praying man, but if you're up there, please

Superman-help me!

When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I

thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie, Spaceballs. But instead

it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie, Police Academy.

And Lord, we are especially thankful for nuclear power, the

cleanest, safest energy source there is. Except for solar, which is just a

pipe dream.

(Praying) Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering,

I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please

give me no sign whatsoever...thy bidding will be done.

What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here

anyway.

Internet! Is that thing still around?

Trying is the first step towards failure.

You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if

you had an electrified fooling machine.

All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's

just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer.

Oh, well, of course, everything looks bad if you remember it.

You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown

college.

America's health care system is second only to Japan...Canada,

Sweden, Great Britain, well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky

stars we don't live in Paraguay.

Rock stars. Is there anything they don't know?

A big mountain of sugar is too much for one man. I can see now why

God portions it out in those little packets.

If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it is not a fair.

Ah, the college roadtrip. What better way to spread beer-fueled

mayhem?

Bart, you're saying "butt-kisser" like it's a bad thing!

Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.

Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's

even remotely true.

First you don't want me to get the pony, then you want me to take it

back. Make up your mind.

Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and eskimos.

Here's to alcohol-the source of, and answer to, all of life's

problems.

I hope I didn't brain my damage.

Carnies built this country, the carnival part of it, anyway.

I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.

All my life I've been an obese man trapped inside a fat man's body.

If God didn't want me to eat in church, he would've made gluttony a

sin.

I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat

my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four.

Can you take the wheel for a second? I have to scratch my self in

two places at once.

Good things don't end in "eum," they end in "mania" or "teria."

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.

Stupid risks make life worth living.

How come the bear can crap in the woods and I can't?

I won't lie to you, fatherhood isn't easy like motherhood.

Stupid T.V. Be more funny.

A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid

center.

It is better to watch things than to do them.

I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills.

Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around.

You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move

on.

I want to set the record straight. I thought the cop was a

prostitute.

I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter

how dumb my suggestions are.

Now I prepare my soul for an eternity of fire and poking.

Let your children run wild and free, because, as the old saying

goes, let your children run wild and free.

Let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow.

I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a

club sandwich.

Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and

studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be

extracted for our personal use.

Without TV, it is hard to know when one day ends and another begins.

I may be naked and reeking with panda love, but I have my dignity.

I don't have to be careful. I've got a gun!

I've seen plays that were more exciting than this! Honest to god,

PLAYS!

Being eaten by a crocodile is just like falling asleep-in a blender.

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates

us from the animals. Except the weasel.

Shut up brain or I'll stab you with a cue tip!

I am so smart. I am so smart. I am so smart. SMRT.

There's that purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit!

Marge, tonight we're gettin' drive-thru and doin' it twice!

The winner will be praised with riches, the loser will be booed

until my throat is sore.

You're lucky boy, because it's spanking season and I got a hankerin'

for some spankerin'.

Don't hassle the dead boy. They have eerie powers.

Let us celebrate our new arrangement with the adding of chocolate to

milk.

Crying won't bring your dog back, unless your tears smell like dog

food. So, you can go on sitting there crying and eating dog food until your

tears smell enough like dog food for your dog to come back, or you get up

and find your dog!

Note to self. Stop doing anything.

Florida. That's America's wang.

If I didn't have this gun, the King of England could just walk in

here anytime he wants and start shoving you around.

Quiet honey, you don't know how big this government is. It goes all

the way to the President.

Let the bears pay the bear tax, I pay the Homer tax.

If it's brown drink it down, if it's black send it back.

Who needs new music? We all know rock music attained perfection in

1974.

Homer no function beer well without.

I'm just trying to get into heaven. I'm not running for Jesus.

Speed limits are just a suggestion, like pants.

[Codica3]

Gotta love Homer Simpson.

[kingartur]

Originally posted by codica3

Gotta love Homer Simpson.

WOOOHHHOOOO

[ou812]

DOOOHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

[Guest gabo]

Originally posted by kingartur

WOOOHHHOOOO

I knew you would like this.

[Crackorn]

gabo Gabo GABO!!!! Did you see that?

Pick a bar? What the hell does that mean?

[dirtyepic18]

homer is the true american idol.

[mfiorellino]

now you all know why I picked him as my screen name

everything out of his mouth is pure comedic genius

great list of quotes