chrishaolin Posted February 24 Report Share Posted February 24 ok, heres the situation.. i am with a girl for, lets say a year.. i am head over heels in love with her.. and she is the same for me.. we were seeing each other for about a month (month and a half) before we had the talk and decided to be commmitted to each other.. everythings perfect, nothing could be better.. but then, i recently found out that during the time that we were just seeing each other, she hooked up with one of my friends. about a month into us seeing each other, i was supposed to meet her one night at a particular bar/club, but she never showed.. she ended up at a different club.. so i went there to meet her after closing.. she came out, and seemed to try to avoid me, so i caught up to her and was like 'hey whatsup, dah dah dah..".. she pretty much rushed me, gave me a kiss goodbye and went home and that was it.. turns out she hooked up with my friend in there.. what would you do? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hedonictonic Posted February 24 Report Share Posted February 24 define " hook-up " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrishaolin Posted February 24 Author Report Share Posted February 24 Originally posted by hedonictonic define " hook-up " oh sorry.. just kissed... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xrapturex Posted February 24 Report Share Posted February 24 Its really easy to ask someone advice, but most of the time people already know how they feel about the situation and they already know what they want to do about it....ya know??I know that if it was me, it would piss me off...thats probably the first reaction. But at this point it is quite obvious that she didnt want your friend or she wouldnt be with you now for over a year. Probably that night she felt really guilty about it, explaining why she was really short with you and just kinda ran off.If you guys are really feelin each other after all this time has passed, let whatever happened that night lay in the past.I know it is a weird situation and that is easier said than done...so really the question is, can you get passed it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrishaolin Posted February 24 Author Report Share Posted February 24 Originally posted by xrapturex Its really easy to ask someone advice, but most of the time people already know how they feel about the situation and they already know what they want to do about it....ya know??I know that if it was me, it would piss me off...thats probably the first reaction. But at this point it is quite obvious that she didnt want your friend or she wouldnt be with you now for over a year. Probably that night she felt really guilty about it, explaining why she was really short with you and just kinda ran off.If you guys are really feelin each other after all this time has passed, let whatever happened that night lay in the past.I know it is a weird situation and that is easier said than done...so really the question is, can you get passed it? hey thanks for your time and advice first of all.. secondly, i am pissed.. mostly because i am in such an unfair situation.. and that is because if i had known about her hooking up with my friend while she was seeing me, i woud have ended it there. personally, thats total disrespect adn i would not want to waste my time with someone who would have done that to me. but i find this out now, after ive invested ALOT of feelings into this, so it sucks. i told her that i did not peg her as the type of person that would disrespect someone in that way, and it makes me feel like i dont even know her and now i find myself feelign like if shes the type of person to disrespect me like that, who says she wouldnt do it again? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xrapturex Posted February 24 Report Share Posted February 24 Originally posted by chrishaolin hey thanks for your time and advice first of all.. secondly, i am pissed.. mostly because i am in such an unfair situation.. and that is because if i had known about her hooking up with my friend while she was seeing me, i woud have ended it there. personally, thats total disrespect adn i would not want to waste my time with someone who would have done that to me. but i find this out now, after ive invested ALOT of feelings into this, so it sucks. i told her that i did not peg her as the type of person that would disrespect someone in that way, and it makes me feel like i dont even know her and now i find myself feelign like if shes the type of person to disrespect me like that, who says she wouldnt do it again? I can totally understand your feelings, because if some guy hooked up with a friend of mine, I wouldnt get invovled any further...same as you.But this is different, like you said, because now it has gone way passed that inital phase.But she hooked up with him when you guys werent serious...so chances are she has made a committment to you now, and if a year has passed and she has been faithful, that alone should be enough for her to prove herself to you, in that aspect.Really consider if you can see her in the same light, because if you cant, how would you guys continue to make it work?If you really feel disrespected and you cant get passed it, it may be best to cool it for a while. You may start to say stuff you dont mean, and things would end up worse. That wouldnt be fair to her or you. Especially when trust if one of the most important things in a relationship. If you lose that, you lose a lot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrishaolin Posted February 24 Author Report Share Posted February 24 Originally posted by xrapturex I can totally understand your feelings, because if some guy hooked up with a friend of mine, I wouldnt get invovled any further...same as you.But this is different, like you said, because now it has gone way passed that inital phase.But she hooked up with him when you guys werent serious...so chances are she has made a committment to you now, and if a year has passed and she has been faithful, that alone should be enough for her to prove herself to you, in that aspect.Really consider if you can see her in the same light, because if you cant, how would you guys continue to make it work?If you really feel disrespected and you cant get passed it, it may be best to cool it for a while. You may start to say stuff you dont mean, and things would end up worse. That wouldnt be fair to her or you. Especially when trust if one of the most important things in a relationship. If you lose that, you lose a lot. you're definitely right.. i need to do some serious thinking and decide if i can get past this or not. do you think if she was the type of person to do something like that, its a different story now that shes with me? i'm not too sure, now.. because i never thought she would have done that to me, and now i think that maybe sometime down the line, ill be thinkin the same thing, except she will have cheated on me.... ya know?this is how i look at it.. it was either one of two scenarios.. she either did not give a fuck what i thought and knowingly hooked up with my friend, or she was too drunk to even know what she was doing... both situations include someone i would not want to be with, but now i have no choice but to listen to my heart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
georgym Posted February 24 Report Share Posted February 24 I agree with everything Rapture said.I think communication btw. 2 people in a relationship is a key element, even more key than sexuality. (even though sexuality is up there)You and your girl should talk openly about your feelings. Don't hold back. If she doesn't know what she did hurt you, she could do it again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrishaolin Posted February 24 Author Report Share Posted February 24 Originally posted by gmccookny I agree with everything Rapture said.I think communication btw. 2 people in a relationship is a key element, even more key than sexuality. (even though sexuality is up there)You and your girl should talk openly about your feelings. Don't hold back. If she doesn't know what she did hurt you, she could do it again. no she knows.. but i've been there before. i feel like if i roll over and let this go, she knows she can just walk over me. not saying she will, because i dont know.. i mean, after what i found out, its hard to have faith Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
georgym Posted February 24 Report Share Posted February 24 Originally posted by chrishaolin you're definitely right.. i need to do some serious thinking and decide if i can get past this or not. do you think if she was the type of person to do something like that, its a different story now that shes with me? i'm not too sure, now.. because i never thought she would have done that to me, and now i think that maybe sometime down the line, ill be thinkin the same thing, except she will have cheated on me.... ya know?this is how i look at it.. it was either one of two scenarios.. she either did not give a fuck what i thought and knowingly hooked up with my friend, or she was too drunk to even know what she was doing... both situations include someone i would not want to be with, but now i have no choice but to listen to my heart. but weren't u 2 not serious when she hooked up with that guy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doubleplay1970 Posted February 24 Report Share Posted February 24 my.02 cents which doesnt mean muchmaybe she didnt even know how much she liked you or you liked her at the time. How did she know that in a week or 2 you would still be around. If you werent committed than why get upset and let it bug you. That is the difference between seeing someone and not seeing someone. When you arent committed you both have the right to do what you want. If you are generally happy with that person and see a good future why walk away. i was kinda in the same situation as her. a bit different but close. Except i thought the person had met someone else one night while hanging out and wasnt interested as i thought and it did play into why thigns didnt work out i think.i just wouildnt let someone go because they hooked up with anyone before there was something serious going on. If you had been somewhere else and met someone you had the right to do what you wanted. She obviously felt bad and wanted to be with you or she wouldnt be right now Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrishaolin Posted February 24 Author Report Share Posted February 24 Originally posted by gmccookny but weren't u 2 not serious when she hooked up with that guy lol, YES, we were NOT serious. but it was a friend. imo, thats just disrespectful. i would never hook up with a friend of a girl that i was seeing. and if someone did that to me, it would be the end of that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xrapturex Posted February 24 Report Share Posted February 24 Originally posted by chrishaolin lol, YES, we were NOT serious. but it was a friend. imo, thats just disrespectful. i would never hook up with a friend of a girl that i was seeing. and if someone did that to me, it would be the end of that. People can say what they want to say chris, but you are entitled to feel how you feel. If you feel a certain way about the situation, there is nothing any of us can say to change that. Dont assume, as doubleplay said he had, you know the facts now, and if there is anything else you need to know, ask her. But honestly, if you cant get over it...just end it because it will cause a lot more heartache for both of you in the long run.I think that you guys were still new at the time and she was testing her waters, but I think it was fucked up she did it with one of your friends. Not to mention that she was wrong, but he was wrong as well. He was your friend longer than she was your girl at the time Im sure. So she is not the only one who screwed up. I know if I was seeing a guy for a month, and a friend of mine hooked up with him, I would be more pissed at my friend than him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrishaolin Posted February 24 Author Report Share Posted February 24 Originally posted by doubleplay1970 my.02 cents which doesnt mean muchmaybe she didnt even know how much she liked you or you liked her at the time. How did she know that in a week or 2 you would still be around. If you werent committed than why get upset and let it bug you. That is the difference between seeing someone and not seeing someone. When you arent committed you both have the right to do what you want. If you are generally happy with that person and see a good future why walk away. i was kinda in the same situation as her. a bit different but close. Except i thought the person had met someone else one night while hanging out and wasnt interested as i thought and it did play into why thigns didnt work out i think.i just wouildnt let someone go because they hooked up with anyone before there was something serious going on. If you had been somewhere else and met someone you had the right to do what you wanted. She obviously felt bad and wanted to be with you or she wouldnt be right now I totally understand everythign you're saying.. I'm upset because she hooked up with my friend. To me, thats another story adn is wrong on a few different levels.. I knew she hooked up that night as soon as I saw her (just by the way she was acting), but it wasnt my place to get upset about it because she had no committment to me.. we were just seeing each other.. but when I found out that it was one of my friends.. ehhh... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrishaolin Posted February 24 Author Report Share Posted February 24 Originally posted by xrapturex People can say what they want to say chris, but you are entitled to feel how you feel. If you feel a certain way about the situation, there is nothing any of us can say to change that. Dont assume, as doubleplay said he had, you know the facts now, and if there is anything else you need to know, ask her. But honestly, if you cant get over it...just end it because it will cause a lot more heartache for both of you in the long run.I think that you guys were still new at the time and she was testing her waters, but I think it was fucked up she did it with one of your friends. Not to mention that she was wrong, but he was wrong as well. He was your friend longer than she was your girl at the time Im sure. So she is not the only one who screwed up. I know if I was seeing a guy for a month, and a friend of mine hooked up with him, I would be more pissed at my friend than him. you guys all give such good advice.. i know that i am entitled to how i feel and im gonna feel the way i do and make the decisions i make no matter what you guys say, but this is more of an opportunity for me to vent than anything else.. its good to be able to get it off my chest and also hear some opinions and advice at the same time.. so i appreciate it, i really do.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reeni Posted February 24 Report Share Posted February 24 when did you find out she kissed your friend from what im reading youve been dating for a yr did you just find this out ....did she know that this guy was your friend? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrishaolin Posted February 24 Author Report Share Posted February 24 Originally posted by Reeni when did you find out she kissed your friend from what im reading youve been dating for a yr did you just find this out ....did she know that this guy was your friend? Just found out very recently. Yes she knew he was a friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
georgym Posted February 24 Report Share Posted February 24 OK, i can totally see where you're coming from now.1st, it wouldn't upset me (xcept make me a lil jealous) if my girl was seeing someone when we were still "testing the waters". But the fact that it was your friend is kinda messed up.But for me, i always believe in giving someone a 2nd (even 3rd) chance. If she has been faithful to you since that episode, and understands what she did was messed up, than i'd say to try to get over it, put it out of your mind.If not, then leave her and move on... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xrapturex Posted February 24 Report Share Posted February 24 Originally posted by chrishaolin you guys all give such good advice.. i know that i am entitled to how i feel and im gonna feel the way i do and make the decisions i make no matter what you guys say, but this is more of an opportunity for me to vent than anything else.. its good to be able to get it off my chest and also hear some opinions and advice at the same time.. so i appreciate it, i really do.. Not a problem at all I hope that our advice helps you get through in whatever you decide. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reeni Posted February 24 Report Share Posted February 24 Originally posted by chrishaolin Just found out very recently. Yes she knew he was a friend. how did you find out about some thing that happened a yr ago or so... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrishaolin Posted February 24 Author Report Share Posted February 24 Originally posted by Reeni how did you find out about some thing that happened a yr ago or so... We were talkin about our plans for this MDW, and just ended up on the topic of last years MDW and she admitted it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reeni Posted February 24 Report Share Posted February 24 wow i dont know what to say reallyi mean when someone does something to lose your trust its hard to regain it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xrapturex Posted February 24 Report Share Posted February 24 Originally posted by Reeni wow i dont know what to say reallyi mean when someone does something to lose your trust its hard to regain it Exactly, thats what I am saying. IMO, all relationships take work, but when they take TOO MUCH work, the person isnt meant to be. And once trust is broken, that is usually when it becomes more work than a relationship to be...just my opinion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doubleplay1970 Posted February 24 Report Share Posted February 24 te bottom line is you have to ask yourself if you love her and if what happened is worth it. She could have said nothing and you would have never known. If you have something good dont screw it up because of something that happened when you were just casually dating a year ago. Just tell her you had thought about it seriously. You care alot for her and considered leaving. And if you want to be wiith her tell her you are going to work through it but if something were ever to happen again you would walk away. Dont just shut her out and definatly tel, her how you feel about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrishaolin Posted February 24 Author Report Share Posted February 24 Originally posted by doubleplay1970 te bottom line is you have to ask yourself if you love her and if what happened is worth it. She could have said nothing and you would have never known. If you have something good dont screw it up because of something that happened when you were just casually dating a year ago. Just tell her you had thought about it seriously. You care alot for her and considered leaving. And if you want to be wiith her tell her you are going to work through it but if something were ever to happen again you would walk away. Dont just shut her out and definatly tel, her how you feel about it. my reply to her email, I feel I pretty much got it all out here:"i understand all of that.. we werent together together, but we were seeing each other. and by default, even just seeing you.. i had the right to hook up with whoever i wanted, but i would not have chosen to hook up with one of your friends while i was seeing you, for two reasons 1) out of respect for you.. 2) to be sure that i didnt ruin anything with you because i did WANT us to go somewhere.. i guess i was a little more serious than you. So when i find out that you hooked up with him, you either a) did not give a fuck what i thought and did not care if you and me went anywhere at all.. basically like a slap in the face.. and i dont know how the fuck you went from that extreme to the other extreme of wanting to be committed to me in only a couple of weeks.. that blows my fuckin mind OR you were just so shitfaced that you didnt even know what you were doing.. and if thats the case, how do i know that wont happen again? see where im stuck here?? i always get the shit end of the stick. but either way, it doesnt change the fact that i love you. " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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