Seeking advice

[starvingartist]

The problem: My friend's self destructive need to want a significant "someone", "anyone" in her life.

The solution: Unknown.

The question: What can I do?

[siceone]

Originally posted by starvingartist

The problem: My friend's self destructive need to want a significant "someone", "anyone" in her life.

The solution: Unknown.

The question: What can I do?

Let her go get her self hurt it's the only way she will learn. The real problem you're having is whether you want to be around to pick up the peices

[starvingartist]

Originally posted by siceone

Let her go get her self hurt it's the only way she will learn. The real problem you're having is whether you want to be around to pick up the peices

She has already been hurt. Physically and mentally. She does not learn. She does not change. I can not change her. But I must do more. I am a friend. What can I do? Has anyone else been in a similar situation and someone, some event, some words, some actions, or something made you change? What was it?

[ou812]

Originally posted by starvingartist

She has already been hurt. Physically and mentally. She does not learn. She does not change. I can not change her. But I must do more. I am a friend. What can I do? Has anyone else been in a similar situation and someone, some event, some words, some actions, or something made you change? What was it?

Sometimes you can't teach an old dog new tricks............some people are just doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over, I'm sure you've seen it before.

[siceone]

I kinda just grew up and other things besides girls became more important

the relationship with my family my education, fitness, and countless other things. Eventually you just stop.

[georgym]

Originally posted by starvingartist

She has already been hurt. Physically and mentally. She does not learn. She does not change. I can not change her. But I must do more. I am a friend. What can I do? Has anyone else been in a similar situation and someone, some event, some words, some actions, or something made you change? What was it?

get hobbies, go out with friends, watch movies, go to events, book stores, record shops, just keep busy...

No one should "need" one person to make themself feel better. Once she feels better about herself, she won't have these tendencies.

It's scary when someone thinks that they need 1 person to make them feel all better. The best is having a small group of friends to rely on, with each friend offering a different side of things.

So my suggestion is to take her out, and come up with ideas that prove to her that she doesn't need a "significant" person, just many "insignificant" nobodies

[starvingartist]

Originally posted by ou812

Sometimes you can't teach an old dog new tricks............some people are just doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over, I'm sure you've seen it before.

I have seen it before. But as a friend I refuse to accept that I can not do anything but watch as she destroys herself. I just can not comprehend or relate as to why someone would self inflict such things. I feel as though she is not being fair to herself or the people who care about her. How can one care for someone who does not seem to care for themselves?

[siceone]

Originally posted by starvingartist

I have seen it before. But as a friend I refuse to accept that I can not do anything but watch as she destroys herself. I just can not comprehend or relate as to why someone would self inflict such things. I feel as though she is not being fair to herself or the people who care about her. How can one care for someone who does not seem to care for themselves?

sometimes you gotta remove your self fromthe situation too

I mean if it's hurting you you can't do anything for them

sometimes you gotta jet

[starvingartist]

Originally posted by gmccookny

get hobbies, go out with friends, watch movies, go to events, book stores, record shops, just keep busy...

No one should "need" one person to make themself feel better. Once she feels better about herself, she won't have these tendencies.

It's scary when someone thinks that they need 1 person to make them feel all better. The best is having a small group of friends to rely on, with each friend offering a different side of things.

So my suggestion is to take her out, and come up with ideas that prove to her that she doesn't need a "significant" person, just many "insignificant" nobodies

I have tried this. However even while out you can see that she still desires to have someone's attention. And she is constantly in and out of relationships with men who do not treat her well. I feel her lack of self worth is destroying her in every way. Yesterday she went back to an abusive ex. I am left angered, hurt, and sad after she tells me what happened. You know I immediately ask her why on earth did she go hang out with. Her answer cause she was feeling lonely. Anyways I do not want to get into details. The point is I feel there is nothing more I can do, I can not even listen anymore. I feel this destroys me more then it does her. I can not fathom abandoning a friend. but I feel she has abandoned herself. I am at a loss for words. I can not be strong for two. I do not know the solution. The problem is greater than Me.

[siceone]

Originally posted by starvingartist

I have tried this. However even while out you can see that she still desires to have someone's attention. And she is constantly in and out of relationships with men who do not treat her well. I feel her lack of self worth is destroying her in every way. Yesterday she went back to an abusive ex. I am left angered, hurt, and sad after she tells me what happened. You know I immediately ask her why on earth did she go hang out with. Her answer cause she was feeling lonely. Anyways I do not want to get into details. The point is I feel there is nothing more I can do, I can not even listen anymore. I feel this destroys me more then it does her. I can not fathom abandoning a friend. but I feel she has abandoned herself. I am at a loss for words. I can not be strong for two. I do not know the solution. The problem is greater than Me.

introduce her to me

[weyes]

Originally posted by starvingartist

I have tried this. However even while out you can see that she still desires to have someone's attention. And she is constantly in and out of relationships with men who do not treat her well. I feel her lack of self worth is destroying her in every way. Yesterday she went back to an abusive ex. I am left angered, hurt, and sad after she tells me what happened. You know I immediately ask her why on earth did she go hang out with. Her answer cause she was feeling lonely. Anyways I do not want to get into details. The point is I feel there is nothing more I can do, I can not even listen anymore. I feel this destroys me more then it does her. I can not fathom abandoning a friend. but I feel she has abandoned herself. I am at a loss for words. I can not be strong for two. I do not know the solution. The problem is greater than Me.

you've answered the problem yourself, right here. there's only so much you can do. there are things people can only learn through experiencing them themselves, and maybe more than once. i've had more than one female friend with the same low-self-esteem-so-i'll-sleep-around-to-try-to-find-some problem, and as much as it hurts to watch, all you can do is offer your advice. your friend is the only one who can change her situation.

let me tell you a story from my past that relates.

i had a friend in high school who was doing heroin, and it was tearing me apart. i couldn't sleep, i cried a lot, and i'd miss school 'cause i was so worried. i had nightmares of him dying; i even was afraid that news would come of him dying, when the telephone rang.

i went to the school counselor and told her about my friend (who went to another school), and asked what i could do to help him, as i'd tried to tell him how bad heroin is and how it can easily suck people in. but the counselor pointed out that i was obsessed with my friend and his problem, and i needed to address that. my life was a wreck, and it didn't have to be. and people on an addictive drug like that can only be helped if they want to be; my worrying wasn't doing anyone any good.

i eventually detached enough so that we could have a healthy relationship again, and my friend kicked his habit (thank god!). but he only could do so because he really wanted to and was dedicated. your friend has to want to make changes, as well.