kross921 Posted June 2 Report Share Posted June 2 NEW COMPANY POLICIES:>>SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE>We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come towork.>>SURGERY:>Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here,you need all your organs. You should not consider removing>anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed>constitutes a breach of employment.>>BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:>This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do>for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be madeto have non-employees attend to the arrangements.>In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the>funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad toallow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hourearly, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the jobgoing in your absence.>>YOUR OWN DEATH:>This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least twoweeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.>>REST ROOM USE:>Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the>future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10,employees whosenames being with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you'reunable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next daywhen your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute>time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door open.>>PAYCHECK GUIDE:>The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:>> Item Amount> Gross pay $1,222.02> Income tax $244.40> Outgo tax $45.21> State tax $11.61> Interstate tax $61.10> County tax $6.11> City tax $12.22> Rural tax $4.44> Back tax $1.11> Front tax $1.16> Side tax $1.61> Up tax $2.22> Down tax $1.11> Tic-Tacs $1.98> Thumbtacks $3.93> Carpet tacks $0.98> Stadium tax $0.69> Flat tax $8.32> Surtax $3.46> Corporate tax $2.60> Parking fee $5.00> F.I.C.A. $81.88> T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95> Life insurance $5.85> Health insurance $16.23> Dental insurance $4.50> Mental insurance $4.33> Reassurance $0.11> Disability $2.50> Ability $0.25> Liability $3.41> Unreliability $10.99> Coffee $6.85> Coffee Cups $66.51> Floor rental $16.85> Chair rental $0.32> Desk rental $4.32> Union dues $5.85> Union don'ts $3.77> Cash advance $0.69> Cash retreats $121.35> Overtime $1.26> Undertime $54.83> Eastern time $9.00> Central time $8.00> Mountain time $7.00> Pacific time $6.00> time Out $12.21> Oxygen $10.02> Water $16.54> Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83> Hot air $20.00> Miscellaneous $113.29> Sundry $12.09> Various $8.01> Net Take Home Pay $0.02>>Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments,concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pk1 Posted June 3 Report Share Posted June 3 :laugh: Oh my god, that was too funny. I needed a laugh. That last one about paychecks is so true. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stdiamante Posted June 5 Report Share Posted June 5 I think you guys got the from merrill lynhc website! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaysersoze Posted June 14 Report Share Posted June 14 Originally posted by kross921 NEW COMPANY POLICIES: In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute>time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door open. priceless :laugh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bkissa Posted June 24 Report Share Posted June 24 I just printed this and hung it up on the wall in the office! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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