J.o.t.d.

[weyes]

i'm always glad to see the return of this thread !

[bobadrinker]

more offensive jokes - hope you're all tolerant enough

What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,

caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who

has the biggest boobs?

The blonde, because she's 18.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?

Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

[weyes]

good ones, tequiza ! keep 'em coming, everyone!

[bobadrinker]

A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.

So, on the first morning of her honeymoon, when the young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed, after making love all night, she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and accidentally let a big fart. She looked up and said:

"Excuse please, front hole so happy, back hole laugh out loud.

[bobadrinker]

here's one to kick off the weekend. Enjoy!

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously

gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle

and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to

announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle,he noticed that a well-dressed

rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a

Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,

"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.

Tray-up bitch."

[weyes]

i'm always glad when this thread gets bumped up. thanks, tequiza!

[bobadrinker]

here's two to help get through another gloomy, dredful monday:

Magical Frog

A family are driving in their car on holidays. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out and takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road. The frog is grateful, thanks the man and tells him that he will grant him a wish.

The man says, "Please make my dog win the next dog race."

The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog only has three legs, it very fat, and can barely move at all so he tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfil his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.

The man says, "Well, then please make my wife win the next beauty contest in the area. The frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car.

Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog.

The frog turns to the man and says, "Could I please have another look at the dog?"

Health Condition

Her Majesty the Queen was being shown around a hospital. As she was being given the guided tour by a senior consultant, they passed a room where a man was masturbating wildly through the window. Of course the Queen was not at all amused and demanded an explanation as to why these activities were allowed in the hospital.

"Ah," said the doctor, "Now, although it is perhaps unfortunate that you should have witnessed that, in fact, that poor patient is suffering from a very debilitating condition. He produces so much semen that unless he gets rid of it 4 times a day his testicles will explode."

"Oh." said Her Majesty.

"Well, in that case I suppose it's understandable."

Further down the corridor they passed another room. The door was open and you could see a nurse was clearly giving a patient oral sex.

"Goodness Gracious!" shrieked Her Majesty, "I demand an explanation of this kind of sordid goings- on!" "Ah," said the Doctor, "same problem - better health plan."

[weyes]

Originally posted by tequiza

...Health Condition...

cheers to this one !

[bobadrinker]

Another blonde joke...just because they're easy targets No offense to our blondies

Betting Blondes

A blonde was sitting down in a bar one day next to a red-head. Both of them were sitting there having a good time and then the news turned on.

The woman reporter shouted out "This just in! A man is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!". Then the red-head leans over to the blonde and whispers, "I bet you $50 that the man's gonna jump!"

The blonde responds back "That's a bet you have there!".

So, both of the woman stared at the news waiting to know whats gonna happen.

Then, the man jumps! The blonde turns around to the red-head and hands her the $50. The red-head feeling guilty said "I cant take that there money. I saw the news earlier this mornin', i knew he was gonna jump off that there cliff."

And the blonde says "Well, i did too! But i never would have thought that the man would do it again!"

[bobadrinker]

The wish

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.

All of a sudden, he said out loud,

"Lord, grant me one wish."

The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic.

Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking.

The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific!

The concrete and steel it would take!

I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly

things.

Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think

would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time.

Finally he said, "Lord, Iwish that I could understand women.

I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry,

what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

[bobadrinker]

here's one for the guys, and the guilty girls (you know who you are... )

Headache

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.

He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet),

grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.

The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.

She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"

... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

[bobadrinker]

Dumb and Dumber

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

Dumb and Dumber

[bobadrinker]

Dumb and Dumber

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

Dumb and Dumber

[bobadrinker]

this one is more of a guideline than a joke, but funny nonetheless...

Simple Math

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What Makes Up 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are

giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone

wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might

help you answer these questions:

What makes up 100% in life? If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:

While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, Bullshit and Ass-kissing will put you over the top.

[weyes]

nice one, tequiza .

[bobadrinker]

since I seem to be on a roll lately, I'll keep posting. But everyone feel free to chip in as well...

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a

cigar. He didn't have a lighter, so he asked his

friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied while

he reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12

inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that

monster lighter?"

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie?"

"Yes, right here in my golf bag."

"Could I see him?"

He opens his golf bag and out pops a genie. The

friend asks the genie, "Since, I'm a good friend of

your master, will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will'" the genie replies.

The friend asks the genie for a million bucks.

The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him

standing there, waiting for his million bucks.

Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of

a million ducks flying overhead is heard. The friend

tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million

bucks, not a million ducks!"

He answers,"I forgot to tell you that the genie is

hard of hearing.

Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?"

[bobadrinker]

Another one, in the spirit of Easter

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Your daughter is pregnant."

The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. And I was hoping that they would show up again."

[weyes]

i love this thread. always brings a smile .

[bobadrinker]

Keeping this thread alive...blondes - so entertaining

==Execution==

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready!...Aim!! ..."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! ... Aim!!..."

Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! ...Aim!! ..."

Suddenly the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"

[weyes]

best of the recent !

[bobadrinker]

happy friday all

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

[weyes]

nice, tequiza !