nomembername Posted January 16 Report Share Posted January 16 make me laugh? I have a horrible hangover and I wish I was dead.I'll try and start...A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nomembername Posted January 16 Author Report Share Posted January 16 One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father. The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!" The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovelate Posted January 16 Report Share Posted January 16 Let me pull out one of my old Maxim Magazine's .... they have the world's best jokes. BRB!lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
koky Posted January 16 Report Share Posted January 16 why did michael jackson go to wallmart ???cause he heard the kids pants were half off thank you thank you ill be here all week Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nomembername Posted January 16 Author Report Share Posted January 16 Originally posted by lovelate Let me pull out one of my old Maxim Magazine's .... they have the world's best jokes. BRB!lol ok but hurry Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovelate Posted January 16 Report Share Posted January 16 damn ... let me get one. hold on Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovelate Posted January 16 Report Share Posted January 16 ok .....an attractive woman goes up to the bar in a rural tavern. she gestures several times to the bartender, but he igonroes her she disappears for serveral minutes, returns to the bar, and blows him a kiss. this time he rushes over"are u the manager?" she aks softly stroking his face"actually no" the bartender smiles."can you get him for me?" she asks, running her hands through his hair."im afraid i can't. he's not here," the bartender sighs. "is there anything i can do?""yes, there is. i need you to give him a message", she contineus, popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them ever so well."what should i tell him?" he manages to ask."tell him," she whispers, "that there's no toilet paper in the ladies' room." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nomembername Posted January 16 Author Report Share Posted January 16 A little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says, "Mummy what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm they are making cakes." The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes. The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy,you and daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night." The mother says, "How do you know?" She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guest00901 Posted January 16 Report Share Posted January 16 Originally posted by koky why did michael jackson go to wallmart ???cause he heard the kids pants were half off thank you thank you ill be here all week :laugh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
koky Posted January 16 Report Share Posted January 16 Originally posted by sexxybabyd :laugh: :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nomembername Posted January 16 Author Report Share Posted January 16 Two men are on opposite sides of the Earth. One is walking a tightrope. The other is getting a blow job from a 90 year old woman. Both get the exact same thought at the exact same time. What is it? Don't look down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
koky Posted January 16 Report Share Posted January 16 Originally posted by nomembername Two men are on opposite sides of the Earth. One is walking a tightrope. The other is getting a blow job from a 90 year old woman. Both get the exact same thought at the exact same time. What is it? Don't look down. :laugh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oldtimer Posted January 16 Report Share Posted January 16 why did god make womens feet so small??so they can stand closer to the stoveWARNING!!!(this one is racial.. all whistleblowers and pc people skip ahead)what's the difference between a pizza pie and a black man??a pizza pie can feed a family of four Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nomembername Posted January 16 Author Report Share Posted January 16 A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee." Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge." She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs. He shouts in horror, "My God Mary ... have you changed your sex?" "No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm taking a dump instead." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
koky Posted January 16 Report Share Posted January 16 Originally posted by nomembername A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee." Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge." She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs. He shouts in horror, "My God Mary ... have you changed your sex?" "No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm taking a dump instead." :rofl: :rofl: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nomembername Posted January 16 Author Report Share Posted January 16 Originally posted by koky :rofl: :rofl: Here's a good one...Q: What's the difference between a priest and acne?A: Acne doesn't come over a boy's face untill he is 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nomembername Posted January 16 Author Report Share Posted January 16 I've used this one before and I'll probably go to hell for it but...Q: How do you get a 7 year old girl to cry twice?A: Rub your bloody dick on her teddy bearQ: How do you know when a female bartender is mad at you ? A: Their's a string hanging out of your bloody marry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nomembername Posted January 16 Author Report Share Posted January 16 What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?A pizza doesn't scream in the oven A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat. The Hippie was stoned out of his mind and horny, so he looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him.The Nun was surprised by the question but politely declines and quickly gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to the hippie, "if you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."The hippie of course says that he'd love to know so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord."If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," said the bus driver guy "you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. And right on schedule the nun shows up.When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, dressed in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first."The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity.The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun.After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!"The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
koky Posted January 16 Report Share Posted January 16 whats the best thing about fuckin a pregnant woman ??the fetus giving you head while you do her Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nSyNcBaBy Posted January 16 Report Share Posted January 16 :rofl: more more Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nomembername Posted January 16 Author Report Share Posted January 16 Originally posted by linabina :rofl: more more as you wish lina...Two couples had gone away for the weekend. The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to do a bit of partner swapping for the night. After several drinks that night they succeed. Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile. The guys agreed that when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoons on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives. The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hungover and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug. After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the peanut butter! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nSyNcBaBy Posted January 16 Report Share Posted January 16 lol ew Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nomembername Posted January 16 Author Report Share Posted January 16 Saddam Hussein's son comes home from shopping with everything in a cardboard box.His dad says: "Why have you brought the shopping home in a cardboard box, son?"To which his son replies: "Because there's no Baghdad" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nSyNcBaBy Posted January 16 Report Share Posted January 16 :laugh: LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nomembername Posted January 16 Author Report Share Posted January 16 A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears. She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.""Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to the other ear?""The son of a bitch called back!"Why does a Blonde insist on him wearing a condom? So she can have a doggie bag for later! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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