party2go Posted November 19 Report Share Posted November 19 Apparently, the Brits think the situation with our electoral nightmare is funny.I agree, but you can't let them get too far out of line. My response to thisemail follows...hope you all enjoy it!NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCETo the citizens of the United States of America,In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus togovern yourselves, HM Government hereby give notice of the revocation ofyour independence, effective today.Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties overall states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which shedoes not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP forthe 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a worldoutside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the needfor further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of younoticed.To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rulesare introduced with immediate effect:1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will beamazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. "Awesome" will beconsidered a swear word and you will be fined ten British pounds every timeyou use it.Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up"vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with fillernoises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient formof communication. Look up "interspersed".2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft knowon your behalf.3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.It really isn't that hard.4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors asthe good guys.5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save TheQueen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you toget confused and give up half way through.6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kindof football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very goodgame.The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your bordersmay have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will nolonger be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficultgame.Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which issimilar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a restevery twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). Weare hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weaponsif they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that thereis a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russianshave never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t".8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a newnational holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is foryour own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what wemean.10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.Thank you for your cooperation.Okay, here is my response:Renotification of Independence:To the subjects of the Crown of England:Even given our somewhat mysterious electoral procedures, we the citizens of theUnited States of America feel it is an appropriate time to remind you of thesavage thrashing you took at our hands a few hundred years ago (coincidentally,we didn't have a president then, either) and to wholeheartedly reject yourSovereign Majesty's kind offer of resuming monarchial duties over our fair land.In order to clarify our position, we feel several responding to your proposednew laws is in order:1. We are already familiar with the term "revocation," as in "If the U.S. hadrevoked Lend-Lease, the English people would be speaking German now." We arealso familiar with "vocabulary", to wit: "The term 'non-inflationarygovernment' is not in the British vocabulary." "Interspersed" is also a commonword here in the States: "The weather in London is mainly rainy; however, it isoccasionally interspersed with hail, sleet, and fog as well." Given the finehistory of famous orators (Ron Wood, Benny Hill, etc.) we can see why you mightbe upset.2. If Bill Gates wants you to speak "US English", he'll simply buy your island.3. English and Australian accents are easy to distinguish: Australians soundless inbred.4. Hollywood has considered English actors as the "good guys." Unfortunately,in order to be a "good guy" you usually have to have good teeth. Sorry.5. Our national anthem is just fine the way it is, featuring valiantdescriptions of victorious battles. Your national anthem features a desperateplea to a deity to save your figurehead. Hmmm...we think we will stick withours.6. The 2.15% of us who even stop to consider "British" football have decidedthat it IS a fine sport for girls and encourage you to continue playing it.And, judging from the length of time it has been since you won a World's Cup, itmight be a good idea to do some more practicing. Now, we agree that rugby isindeed a tough sport, and we do have something similar to rugby players here inthe States. Of course, we have a uniquely American term for these men. We callthem "felons."7. We understand why you would like us to attack France and Quebec, given yourrich heritage of needing us to bail you out of countless wars. And theelimination of France is appealing to us as well, but it would sorely upset thebalance of edible food in Europe, leaving us only with your own native disheslike "Mad Cow Meat Pies" and "Savory Sheep Scrotums" or whatever it is youconsider food. Oh, and the Russians were never the bad guys; we simply waitedfor their bloated socialist economy to collapse...whoops! No offense intended.8. We still like July 4th as a national holiday, although we are consideringrenaming it "British Empire Sunset Day" for fun.9. American cars are crap?!? You mean like when Ford bought Jaguar? Oh, andwe have German cars here, too. It's called a healthy economy; you should try itsometime...10. The CIA killed JFK. You are probably familiar with the concept ofgovernment officials killing Irishmen, so I won't belabor the point.Thank you for your cooperation. ------------------The Wheels on the BUS go Round and Round... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
party2go Posted November 19 Author Report Share Posted November 19 THIS IS A FOWARD, BTW... don't think i sat there and typed this whole thing out... haahaa------------------The Wheels on the BUS go Round and Round... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nickijay Posted November 19 Report Share Posted November 19 in my country's defense, not ALL the British have bad teeth. Thankyou, UKNJ------------------ Boink like a bunny!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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