England and America... (Pretty Long)

[party2go]

Apparently, the Brits think the situation with our electoral nightmare is funny.

I agree, but you can't let them get too far out of line. My response to this

email follows...hope you all enjoy it!

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to

govern yourselves, HM Government hereby give notice of the revocation of

your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over

all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she

does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for

the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world

outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need

for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you

noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules

are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be

amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. "Awesome" will be

considered a swear word and you will be fined ten British pounds every time

you use it.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up

"vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler

noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form

of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know

on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.

It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as

the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The

Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to

get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind

of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good

game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders

may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no

longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult

game.

Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is

similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest

every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We

are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons

if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there

is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians

have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new

national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for

your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we

mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Okay, here is my response:

Renotification of Independence:

To the subjects of the Crown of England:

Even given our somewhat mysterious electoral procedures, we the citizens of the

United States of America feel it is an appropriate time to remind you of the

savage thrashing you took at our hands a few hundred years ago (coincidentally,

we didn't have a president then, either) and to wholeheartedly reject your

Sovereign Majesty's kind offer of resuming monarchial duties over our fair land.

In order to clarify our position, we feel several responding to your proposed

new laws is in order:

1. We are already familiar with the term "revocation," as in "If the U.S. had

revoked Lend-Lease, the English people would be speaking German now." We are

also familiar with "vocabulary", to wit: "The term 'non-inflationary

government' is not in the British vocabulary." "Interspersed" is also a common

word here in the States: "The weather in London is mainly rainy; however, it is

occasionally interspersed with hail, sleet, and fog as well." Given the fine

history of famous orators (Ron Wood, Benny Hill, etc.) we can see why you might

be upset.

2. If Bill Gates wants you to speak "US English", he'll simply buy your island.

3. English and Australian accents are easy to distinguish: Australians sound

less inbred.

4. Hollywood has considered English actors as the "good guys." Unfortunately,

in order to be a "good guy" you usually have to have good teeth. Sorry.

5. Our national anthem is just fine the way it is, featuring valiant

descriptions of victorious battles. Your national anthem features a desperate

plea to a deity to save your figurehead. Hmmm...we think we will stick with

ours.

6. The 2.15% of us who even stop to consider "British" football have decided

that it IS a fine sport for girls and encourage you to continue playing it.

And, judging from the length of time it has been since you won a World's Cup, it

might be a good idea to do some more practicing. Now, we agree that rugby is

indeed a tough sport, and we do have something similar to rugby players here in

the States. Of course, we have a uniquely American term for these men. We call

them "felons."

7. We understand why you would like us to attack France and Quebec, given your

rich heritage of needing us to bail you out of countless wars. And the

elimination of France is appealing to us as well, but it would sorely upset the

balance of edible food in Europe, leaving us only with your own native dishes

like "Mad Cow Meat Pies" and "Savory Sheep Scrotums" or whatever it is you

consider food. Oh, and the Russians were never the bad guys; we simply waited

for their bloated socialist economy to collapse...whoops! No offense intended.

8. We still like July 4th as a national holiday, although we are considering

renaming it "British Empire Sunset Day" for fun.

9. American cars are crap?!? You mean like when Ford bought Jaguar? Oh, and

we have German cars here, too. It's called a healthy economy; you should try it

sometime...

10. The CIA killed JFK. You are probably familiar with the concept of

government officials killing Irishmen, so I won't belabor the point.

Thank you for your cooperation.

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The Wheels on the BUS go Round and Round...

[party2go]

THIS IS A FOWARD, BTW... don't think i sat there and typed this whole thing out... haahaa

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The Wheels on the BUS go Round and Round...

[nickijay]

in my country's defense, not ALL the British have bad teeth. Thankyou, UKNJ

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Boink like a bunny!!!