rachel1997 Posted November 21 Report Share Posted November 21 TODAY'S JOKES: THANKSGIVING WITHOUT MARTHA STEWARTMartha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving.I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised.Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bagluminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matterhow cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have thedesired welcoming effect.Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is notdecorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in thedecorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves fromthe front yard. The mud was their idea.The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancychina, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes thatmatch and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving,we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plates andthe Santa napkins from last Christmas.Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowersthat I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-likedecoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. Theartist assures me it is a turkey.We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertainyou while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share everychoice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims andthe turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these commentswere made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was stillhard enough to cut diamonds.As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play arecording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention thatI don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribaldrumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothesdryer, ignore them. They are lying.We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announcethe start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditionalmethod. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement.When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sitwhere you like.In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving aturkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will notbe happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will becarved in a private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not,under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do notsend small,unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have anelectric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that Iwill eventually win. When I do, we will eat.I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young dinersthat "passing the rolls" is not a football play. Nor is it arequest to bean your sister in the head with warm tasty bread.Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal,and especially while in the presence of you diners, we will referto the giblet gravy by it's lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If ayoung diner questions you regarding the origins or type of CheeseSauce, plead ignorance. Cheese Sauce stains.Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering achoice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be servingthe traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and smallfingerprints. You will still have a choice; take it or leave it.Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. Sheprobably won't come next year either.I am thankful.Have a blessed and Happy Thanksgiving.-Submitted by someone other than Martha Stewart Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jdogg Posted November 21 Report Share Posted November 21 Rachel - You cracked me up with this one.Too many of these happen in our family.------------------JDogg "Jesus Tap Dancing Christ,I've never seen anything sojuvenile in my life."- Mr. Garrison Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nickijay Posted November 21 Report Share Posted November 21 Martha Stewart rubs me the wrong way. She's so monotone. She's on the tv right now. Where's the remote?? Time to change the channel!!------------------ Boink like a bunny!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ichi_gami Posted November 21 Report Share Posted November 21 aahhh, but what of stories of how wonderful everything always was from those relatives, aged and infirm? and the one especially crass family member who insists upon telling the same stories of flatulence and/or fecal themes? And the inevitable shouting match between relatives who will not speak to each other, ever again, until the NEXT Thanksgiving dinner? With everything offered on this agenda, there leaves so little time for these wondrous events. ------------------New and improved --- Coming to you now from NYC! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rachel1997 Posted November 21 Author Report Share Posted November 21 and I didn't make that up ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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