gonzojournilist Posted September 21 Report Share Posted September 21 a baby in a dryer did that joke offend you?do I care?if that one didn't touch a nerve and make you cringe these will 80 Q: What do vegetarian worms eat? A: Linda McCartney. 79 Q: What did Kermit the Frog say when Jim Henson died?A: Nothing. 78 Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? A: One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other is used to carry groceries. 77 Q: What has 69 balls and screws old women?A: Keno. 78 Q: What do you get whan you cross an elephant with a poodle?A: A dead poodle with an 18 inch asshole. 77 Q: What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?A: He wiped. 76 Q: How do you make a dead baby float?A: Two scoops of ice cream, one scoop of dead baby. 75 Q: What is the definition of "making love"? A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her. 74 Q: Why is it such a drag to screw a cow? A: You have to climb down from the stool and walk around to the front, every time you want to kiss it. 73 Q: Why do women have breasts? A: So men will know to whom to pay the lower salaries. 72 Q: What does an elephant use for a tampon?A: A sheep. 71 Q: Why do elephants have trunks?A: Because sheep don't have strings. 70 Jesus walks into a hotel. He slams down a hammer and some nails on the reception desk and asks, "Hey, can you put me up for the night?" 69 Q: Why do you wrap a hamster in electrical tape? A: So it doesn't explode when you fuck it. 68 Q: What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common? A: They don't fucking listen. 67 Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts? A: Gonorrhea. 66 Did you hear that Princess Diana was on the radio the other day? And the windshield, and the steering-wheel, and the ashtray.... 65 Two peodophiles on a beach. One turns to the other and says: "Get out of my sun" (works better spoken) 64 A man was digging in his garden when his next door neighbor approached him and asked, "What are you doing?". "Burying my goldfish"; the man replied. "That's a big hole for a goldfish.", said the neighbor. "Yeah, well, it's inside your cat." 63 Q: Why do the Scottish wear kilts? A: Because a sheep can hear a zipper from like a mile away. 62 Q: What does a 300lb gerbil do? A: Puts Gay people up it's ass. 61 Q: What does a Cuban do when he gets a flat tire?A: Drowns 60 One night, Bob receives a call from the Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I'm afraid I have some bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life." Bob says, "My God. What's the good news?" "I'm kidding." The doctor says, "She's dead." 59 Q: What would Princess Diana be doing if she were alive today? A: Clawing at the lid of her coffin. 58 A girl and a boy were at the back of a movie theater, kissing passionately. When they came up for air, the boy says, "I really love kissing you, but do you mind not passing me your chewing gum?" To this, the girl replies, "It's not chewing gum, I've got bronchitis". 57 Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says, "You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, her tongue was just like a pickle." "What," the other asks, "green?". "No," says the first, " a bit sour." 56 Q: Two (insert favorite ethnic group here) jump off the top of a very tall building. Which one his the ground first?A. Who gives a fuck? 55 Q: Why couldn't they sell the mercedes that the princess died in?? A: Cos it's got Di all over it!! 54 Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? A: One makes your day, the other makes your hole weak. 53 Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blow-job? A: You know she'll swallow. 52 Q: Why did the redneck cross the road? A: Because he coundn't get his dick out of the chicken. 51 In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery...Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs! Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms. 50 Q: What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?A: The prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again. 49 Q: What do you call 5 lepers in a hot-tub?A: Stew. 48 Q: What has a million legs but can't walk?A: Jerry's kids. 47 Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover,Gary, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?" Reluctantly, his roommate lubes up his finger and inserts it in Bruce's ass, feeling around, he says, "I don't feel anything." Bruce replies, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out." So his roommate lubes his whole hand and forces it into Bruce's ass. He feels around, and to his suprise, pulls out a Rolex watch. "I found your problem." Gary says. "There was a watch stuck up your ass." Immediately, Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..." 46 A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. As he approaches the bar, the bartender exclaims; "Fuck me! Where did you get that from!?" To this the parrot replies "Africa. There's fucking thousands of them there." 45 Q: Where does Princess Diana do her shopping?A: Nowhere, she's dead. 44 Q: Why did God create yeat infections?A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt once in a while too. 43 Q: What do you call all the useless skin around the vagina?A: The woman. 42 Q: What does a redneck say after sex?A: Thanks Mom. 41 Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection?A: Quarter pounder with cheese. 40 Q: How do you know if a woman has an orgasm? A: Who cares! 39 Q: What's the difference between a truck load of dead babies and a truck load of bowling balls?A: You can't use a pitchfork to unload the bowling balls. 38 Q: What's the worst part about fucking a 5 year old? A: Getting the blood off of your clown costume.... 37 Q: What's black and blue and hates sex? A: A rape victim. 36 Q: How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? A: Pick it up and suck it's dick. 35 Q: Whats the difference between George Michael and a microwave? A: A microwave stops when you open the door. 34 Q: Why is my penis bigger than yours? A: Because I'm jerking off right now. 33 Q: Why didn't Superman rescue Princess Diana from the clutches of death? A: Because he's in a wheelchair. 32 Q: Why is anal sex better then normal sex? A: It's warm, it's tight and more degrading to women. 31 Q: What's the worst thing about eating vegetables? A: Putting them back in the wheelchair when you're done. 30 A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your vagina?" "Fuck off, no your can't smell my vagina!!! "Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then". 29 Q : What's got 2 legs and bleeds? A : Half a dog 28 Q : What do you do after raping a deaf, dumb and blind girl? A : Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone. 27 A little girl is playing by the side of the road when a man pulls up in a car. The man leans out and says "Hey little girl, would you like some candy?" The girls looks over and says "My mom told me not to take gifts from strangers....but if you give me $20 I'll suck your dick." 26 Q: How does Michael Jackson know when it's time for bed?A: When the big hand is on the little hand. 25 A man walks into a pub and sits down at a table. He notices a leper at the bar. He orders a shot, drinks the shot and then throws up. Next he orders a beer, drinks the beer and then throws up. He does this for several more drinks when finally the leper comes over to his table and asks him, "I'm sorry if my appearance is making you ill." And the man replies, "No, it's not you. It's the man next to you dipping his chips into your neck." 24 Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass" The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look". "Fuck me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?" Patient replies I've been fucked by an elephant". The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous". Patient replies "He fingered me first". 23 Q: How do you get a nun pregnant? A: Dress her up as an alter boy 22 Q: What's red and climbs up you leg?A: A homesick abortion. 21 Q: What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night ? A: Crib death. 20 Q: What is the difference between menstrual blood and sand? A: You cant gargle sand. 19 Pedro goes into jail for the first time and gets thrown in a mean lookin dude named Bubba . Bubba says to Pedro "what do you want to be the mommy or the daddy" Pedro figuring he doesnt have much choice naturally says " The daddy" To which Bubba replies "well come over here and suck mommy's dick". 18 Q: What is the difference between a paedophile and acne ? A: Acne waits until your 12 before it comes on your face. 17 Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics? A: Not being retarded. 16 Q: What do homosexauls and the Battle of Pearl Harbor have in common? A: Cockpits full of bloody seamen 15 The judge asks the man why he shot his wife. The man says she was sleeping with my best friend. The judge says what did you do to your best friend. The man says I swatted him with a newspaper and said 'bad dog'. 14 A man calls into work sick. This is the conversation. Man: "Boss, I can't come into today. I'm really sick. I've been in bed all day." Boss: "WHAT! Are you crazy? This is the day we are meeting with our most important account!!" Man: "Sorry boss, I'm REALLY sick." Boss: "Just HOW sick can one man be?" Man: "Well for starters, right now I'm fucking my 5 year old daughter." 13 A man starts coming on strongly to his new date. "Excuse me, but isn't it a presumptuous to assume you can screw me on our first date? "Well, yeah" the man replies, "But isn't PRESUMPTUOUS a big word for a first-grader to be using?" 12 Q: What does a def, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas. A: Cancer. 11 Q: Where does Princess Diana stay while in ParisA: Anywhere she can crash. 10 Q: What's blue and fucks old people?A: Hypothermia 9 Q:Why is there always hot water at childbirthA: In case of a stillbirth, soup. 8 Q: What's black and white and red all over?A: A nun on her period. 7 Q: How do you get a baby to run faster? A: Chase it with the lawn mower. 6 Q: What's the difference between george Michael and a microwave?A: You can't brown your meat in a microwave. 5 Q: What do you do when your wife comes to you with two balck eyes?A: Nothing. You've already warned her twice. 4 Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter?A: The dishes if she knows what's good for her. 3 Q: How do you circumcise a redneck?A: Kick his sister in th chin. 2 Q: What is a redneck virgin?A: A seven year old that can run faster than her brothers. 1 Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan. ------------------When the going gets weirdthe weird turns pro... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DollaBill Posted September 21 Report Share Posted September 21 Gonzo those are so sick Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artful Posted September 21 Report Share Posted September 21 D-A-M-N ------------------ <I'm a Fire-starter> --- When the Artful speaksHAPPY HALLOWEEN!!! "Takin' out the suckas, and they don't know how I did it!!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bionic Posted September 21 Report Share Posted September 21 LMFAOThanks Gonzo, that just made the afternoon!!I love shit like that. I guess I'm a bit twisted... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gatito Posted September 21 Report Share Posted September 21 You got a lot of time on your hands bro.Thanx. ------------------I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints. -BJ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gonzojournilist Posted September 21 Author Report Share Posted September 21 Originally posted by gatito:You got a lot of time on your hands bro.Thanx. copy and paste my mancopy and pastethank bill gatesnot me------------------When the going gets weirdthe weird turns pro... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JackMeOff Posted September 21 Report Share Posted September 21 Dude ...I'm sorry if these jokes offended anyone but they're, by far, the funniest thing I've read/heard in a loooooooong time------------------ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted September 21 Report Share Posted September 21 Originally posted by gonzojournilist:did anybodyelse even bother to read this????????sick... but funny ------------------"Smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
schwingep Posted September 21 Report Share Posted September 21 those are sick and wrong!!!...but mad funny ------------------------------------------ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peccatrice Posted September 21 Report Share Posted September 21 i sent half of them via IM and have half my office in tears Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jdogg Posted September 22 Report Share Posted September 22 I admit that I did read all of the jokes. I winced at some, but I liked them.And they are going out across the email here at work too....JDogg------------------I stopped at a Sbarro and asked for an espresso.The bright light working there said "Sorry we onlyhave Cheese and Pepperoni." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alrousasa Posted September 22 Report Share Posted September 22 Sick, Nasty, Twisted are a few words that came to mind while reading this.............Although most of them were funny.LMAO [This message has been edited by keanureeves (edited 09-22-2000).] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gonzojournilist Posted September 22 Author Report Share Posted September 22 did anybodyelse even bother to read this????????------------------When the going gets weirdthe weird turns pro... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
djchris Posted September 22 Report Share Posted September 22 I admit - I only read half of them and then replied.------------------It's all in the music Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ILL HOUSE YOU Posted September 22 Report Share Posted September 22 snizzap...------------------ "Music is my mistress, and she plays second fiddle to no one." Louis Armstrong FeelTheseBeats@aol.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gonzojournilist Posted September 24 Author Report Share Posted September 24 Originally posted by djchris:I admit - I only read half of them and then replied.I will admit also - I only read half of them b4 posting the topicjust finished reading the other halfhere's a couple I knew that wasn't listedQ .what's blue and sits in the corner of the room??A .DEAD BABYQ .what's green and sits in the corner of the room??A .same dead baby three weeks laterMother is baking a cake, whipping up the batter, her daughter runs out of the bathroom,she yells out,"Mommy Mommy!! can I lick the bowl?"mother says,"FUCKING FLUSH like everyone else!"..."MOMMY MOMMY why do I keep running in circles!!"--SHUT THE FUCK UP before I nail your other foot to the ground! ------------------When the going gets weirdthe weird turns pro... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flippin_e Posted September 24 Report Share Posted September 24 48 Q: What has a million legs but can't walk?A: Jerry's kidsThere has got to be a law on the internet on posts like this....OMG that is funny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ichi_gami Posted September 24 Report Share Posted September 24 sick and wrong...wrong and sick. and funny as heck, too! gonzojournilist is keen! gonzo 4 prez! [This message has been edited by ichi_gami (edited 09-23-2000).] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mr.sick Posted September 24 Report Share Posted September 24 LOL. Reminds me of middle school.------------------"Be somebody or be somebody's fool." - Mr. T Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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