Who's right here ?

[dolcemimi]

Last week-

Had one night stand with soem blind date.

When I got home I really regretted it. I was drunk and the guy pressured me to do it/ I went along with it.

I told the guy- I never wanted to have sex w/ you. Adn that what he did was date rape.

Then he gets all mad and tells me to go fuck myself ? He said he didn't do anything wrong becasue I never told him to stop.

But I told him " No sex". but he dragged me back to his apt. anyways.

Look- who's right or wrong here ?

There's more to the story (goto Sex forum

[matta]

easy, if he forced u to have sex then it's rape.. if he did not force you to have sex then you made a bad judgement call...... ps if he did force u... he should be shot dead.

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"Pills 'N' Thrills and Bellyaches" - Happy Mondays

AIM: mattarrundale1

[matta]

sorry re-read... either way he isn't looking too good.

[dolcemimi]

I asked him why he dragged me to his apt. - he said " I wanted to show you my place".

FORCE - He kept kissing me all over- I pushed him off but he kept doing it. I went along with it , but because I was drunk I acted ditsy. I stripped down to my undies and pranced around.

During sex. I stopped becasue I was bleeding. Then he yelled " Can you finish me off" ? - I felt like I HAD to do it.

I should've stopped because I was bleeding. Is that mental force ?

[back2basics-]

Having sex with anybody against their will is Rape. I think, not sure, but in court you will either have to prove you told him NO or show evedance of forced entry.

If he raped you DO NOT allow him to get away with it.

When you say 'dragged me back to his apartment' is that a figure of speech?

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I want to go out blazing..not fade away.

Boom Boom -Basil Brush

[SPHERIC]

I answered you on the sex board!

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"Play every record like it's your last"

[back2basics-]

No offence but you need to get yourself a new group of freinds, judging by your stroies.

[matta]

are u being serious? What on earth were you doing? Not saying that it's your fault but this guys is obviously a c**t. You didn't have to do anything... never mind "finish him off"....... i hate this...

In terms of who is right... you are.

He is scum.

Matt

[dolcemimi]

Originally posted by back2basics-:

Having sex with anybody against their will is Rape. I think, not sure, but in court you will either have to prove you told him NO or show evedance of forced entry.

If he raped you DO NOT allow him to get away with it.

When you say 'dragged me back to his apartment' is that a figure of speech?

He drove in his car after dinner. I did not want to go but he said - " I'll show you my place".

I clearly said " I'm not having sex" - But I didn't yell it out loud.

I was drunk and easily influenced. I went along with it. But he should've stopped when I started bleeding.

I have no evidence. He flushed the bloody condom down the toilet.

He made me feel like - I had to have sex w/ him.

[bratnik]

Im sorry to hear about your experience, but if I were in your situation and I didnt want to have sex I never would have stripped down to my underwear and pranced around. I understand people use bad judgement while under the influence, but Im always aware of whats going on around me. If you went along with it it doesnt sound like much force to me. You can either approach this guy and tell him off but I dont think that will get you anywhere because he sounds like a real jerkoff, or you can leave it alone and be more careful next time. Good luck girlie.

[cmb1975]

Originally posted by dolcemimi:

He drove in his car after dinner. I did not want to go but he said - " I'll show you my place".

I clearly said " I'm not having sex" - But I didn't yell it out loud.

I was drunk and easily influenced. I went along with it. But he should've stopped when I started bleeding.

I have no evidence. He flushed the bloody condom down the toilet.

He made me feel like - I had to have sex w/ him.

ok...this is a tough subject...there is a difference between not wanting to do something and just going along with it anyway, and not wanting to do something and being forced into it. I don't want to down play the situation at all, but the way i read it, you made a bad judgement call while under the influence. it happens...i am not saying he isn't a dick, because any man who would take advantage of a girl who had a little too much to drink is an asshole in my book...If he physically forced you into having sex, then that is rape...if he slipped something into your drink so you would be unable to object, that is rape, but if he talked you into it, then unfortunately that is not rape. if you feel strongly otherwise, then get in contact with your local police department immediately. however, if this was a few days ago, most of your evidence of any sexual contact has been washed away by now. it will be his word against yours that you even had sex

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i know what i want, but it took me a long time to figure it out

[Rad_Z]

Uhhh,

I dont know about the rest of you but dolcemimi's last several posts (from what i remeber) sound very sketchy.

If this is for real though then i apologies and do agree with what has been said already by the previous 2 posters above me about it not being a rape because you just made a wrong decision.

Rad_

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BOOM............BOOM!!!

[This message has been edited by Rad_Z (edited 02-06-2001).]

[ooana]

I'm a rape survivor here. And I have to say something, quite bluntly.....

....girl, 1) You need a new group of friends. Every post you put up is making that quite clear.

2) From your words you were pressured, but you never did say no. What you did was stupid and you regret it but this isn't rape. The guy is a dick for pressuring you but once again, you did not say no. You pranced around in your underwear and in your own words you kept feeling like you "had to"...and therefore you did. Bluntly, you need help.

3) You seem to use this BB as some form of group therepy. Every post you put up has something to do with a personal dillema in your life. While I understand people using this board once and awhile for that purpose, every time is a bit much. Find someone professional to help you deal with the fact, (I think simply from what you've been posting) that you hang around with the entirely wrong group of people.

4) Learn to say no and stick to it.

Its not fair to men (or to women who truly did survive a rape experience) that women hedge. They say no, then prance around in their undies. They say no, then "finish the guy off." Women who do that exemplify the notion that many men have that "no doesn't really mean no." So....learn to stand up for yourself.

Sorry for the bluntness in this post but stories like this really really irritate me. Stupidity and regret does NOT equal rape. I'm not trying to make light of your situation, its clear you feel unhappy about it. But do not chalk up your unhappiness to him simply being an asshole. YOU were not taking care of yourself and put YOURself in a bad situation by not standing up for your body, mind and heart.

If you did say no and you haven't made that clear here then I appologize. As a survivor myself I can say that if this is the case I know where you are coming from. And if this is the case...seek help NOW.

-Oo

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"When the soul wishes to experience something, she throws an image of the experience out before her, and enters into her own image." -Eckhart

"Solitude gives birth to the original in us, beauty unfamiliar and perilous - to poetry." - Thomas Mann

"I heard of a man that says words so beautiful that if he only speaks their name, women give themselves to him.

If I am dumb by your body while silence blossoms like tumors on our lips it is because I hear a man climb the stairs and clear his throat outside our door." - Leonard Cohen

[cathyo]

um, I'm with Oo!

You always make so much sense !

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A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to it's old dimensions.

~*~*~Don't use time or words carelessly, neither can be retrieved.~*~*~

[sugar_n_spice]

Originally posted by dolcemimi:

Last week-

Had one night stand with soem blind date.

When I got home I really regretted it. I was drunk and the guy pressured me to do it/ I went along with it.

I told the guy- I never wanted to have sex w/ you. Adn that what he did was date rape.

Then he gets all mad and tells me to go fuck myself ? He said he didn't do anything wrong becasue I never told him to stop.

But I told him " No sex". but he dragged me back to his apt. anyways.

Look- who's right or wrong here ?

There's more to the story (goto Sex forum

for starters, u shouldn't be getting drunk w/ someone u dont know. second why the hell would u have "gone along w/ it??" honey no one makes u do anything u dont want to. unless hes holding a gun to ur head. i would have grabbed my shit and left. third, u then have the balls to take ur clothes off, parade around in ur underwear, but then say no, i dont want to have sex w/ u?? what the hell is wrong w/ u? it's girls like u that give us such a bad name. but the best part is u still finish him off??? **tisk tisk**

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" Music is a universal language. Where speech fails, then music begins. It is the natural medium for the expression of our emotions - the art that expresses in tones our feelings which are too strong & too deep to be expressed in words"

Charles W. Landon

[deanna11]

dolcemimi, you must be the stupidest person i've ever had any sort of contact with. and i know some damn stupid people

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"real fucking high"

[mysteriousss]

I'm pretty sure this person is making all of this up for whatever reason (judging by the rest of the posts which seem like a far stretch from reality).. Or this person has a really really bad life.. I cannot imagine why anyone would make smth like this up, but anyway.. IF, and I really really doubt it is, it's true, I'm with Ooana.. Everyone is responsible for their own actions. Being drunk and going along with someone's persuasions is so not what rape is. It's stories like these that make the real rape victims seem like liars.

[ReginaP]

Yep, Ooana pretty much sums it up. I'm a program coordinator for my college's rape crisis hotline, so unfortunately I know how often a rape occurs. However, I also know the logistics of what defines a rape and your story doesn't seem to fall into that category. Like Ooana said, if you said no and didn't consent later, it's rape. If you said no and then went on to strip and consent, it was pressure but not rape. This guy is an idiot, no doubt, but you're a grown woman and need to stand up for yourself. You also need to decide what you want and stick to it. Good luck in the future.

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=)

[johnb]

Not to gang up on dolcemimi here, and I really do feel sorry for you for being in this situation, but to me the me the most disturbing thing about this story is it was a blind date. How do you usually get on blind dates? Your friends set you up. Therefore it seems this was done by someone one of your friends set you up with. Great friend that one. Um, I think I agree with the people who posted earlier who recommend you find some new friends.

JohnB

[tranceaction]

Regret Vs. Rape

Its ok to regret something that happened.. but to equate regrets with rape is ridiculous.

Perhaps you're trying to rationalize everything that happened and afraid of being honest with yourself and your actions..

Could it be, in the light of day, you dont want to admit you're the type of person who would have a one night stand?

Its easier to say "Rape" than "I was stupid" or made absolutely the wrong decisions.

Maybe the wrong decision was to drink and become intoxicated - not to have sex with him.

You werent slipped GHB or Ro.. you werent physically incapable of saying NO, or fighting him off.

Decide this for yourself.. Are the regrets and terrible things you're feeling a result of having sex with him, or of what "others" would think of you're having a one night stand?

[deanna11]

werd, tranceaction. dipshitmimi, take responsibility for these "horrible things that happen" to you. if everyone thinks you're stupid and crazy, they probably have some basis for this. and if horrible things keep happening to you, maybe you need to change your own course of actions that lead up to these events

maybe our telling you won't change anything because if you have to listen to what strangers tell you to do, then you're almost as good off listening to a blind date with a hard on

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"real fucking high"

[dolcemimi]

I admit- What I did was foolish and wrong.

I REGRET IT and I'm angry - at that guy and myself. I guess that's why I accuse him of date rape.

But the thing that pisses me off is- he doesn't think he did anything wrong.

We were both wrong. I know what I did and take responsibilty but the guy won't acknowledge the fact that he was an asshole.

Just becasue a girl is drunk and has bad judgement- it does not give the guy the right to think he can take advantage of me.

To all the girls that say negative comments to me - Get raped then come back and tell me.

P.S. - Rape is a strong word

[allnight23]

Yeah I mean you got to choose your men better. And it looks like you really did not put your foot down firmly enough. If you say no than mean it get the hell out of the car get a cab, don't go to his apartment dance naked. Listen learn from this next time be carefull how much you drink, you cannot blame your inability to act firmly on alcohol, and on the other hand you want to accuse the guy of rape. Next time get to know the person a little bit better.

[deanna11]

dip, you're disgusting. rape IS a strong word, and you were the first to use it. rape is also different from stupid sex, and IMrightO you were not raped. so don't act like you were, and don't use this instance as your traumatic experience to try to convince sympathy and a sense of depth or whatever you think you can get out of it

also, you don't know what other people have gone through. you're a sick bitch for saying the things you do

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"real fucking high"

[ooana]

Originally posted by dolcemimi:

To all the girls that say negative comments to me - Get raped then come back and tell me.

P.S. - Rape is a strong word

You know....I was trying to be nice to you. Trying to give you some advice as a woman who experienced REAL RAPE. In fact, we even had a brief discussion in PMs which I will not post here because it was private...but you are well aware of said discussion.

Yes, rape IS a strong word. And wishing it upon ANYONE makes you far far sicker than I thought in the first place.

Girl...you shouldn't be dwelling on whatever this dickhead did wrong. But your own damn fucking stupidity and ignorance.

I hope you NEVER EVER EVER experience what rape is. You have NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT! You have absolutely NO idea how painful the experience is. And you tell others to go experience that and THEN discuss your ludicrous behavior with you? You need to grow up...

...Get a life, get a clue, get a brain and get a soul.

-Oo

To everyone else...I appologize. I don't normally get this angry, and this bitch is a stranger so I probably shouldn't be angry at her. But its women like this who make it ten times hard for REAL rape victims to get help, prosicution and education.

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"When the soul wishes to experience something, she throws an image of the experience out before her, and enters into her own image." -Eckhart

"I heard of a man that says words so beautiful that if he only speaks their name, women give themselves to him.

If I am dumb by your body while silence blossoms like tumors on our lips it is because I hear a man climb the stairs and clear his throat outside our door." - Leonard Cohen

[This message has been edited by ooana (edited 02-07-2001).]