My love life is fucked up.

[sassa]

Here's yet another weird story of my life...it seems like everytime shit happens to me, I tend to write about it to try to analyze and later understand it...anyways, here goes. I like this one guy a whole lot...he's from north africa right..gorgeous body and face,and so intelligent and deep...we've had such amazing conversations and I really like hanging out with him...a LOT.Anyways, well, let me start from Friday night. We took some shrooms and got fucked up and we were at a party on campus then went to my room and smoked up and then went back down to my friend's place because we always hang out there and it was just me, this guy (MD), my friend and this girl Deanna.So Deanna and my friend are making out in the couch across from us,and we are just sitting there and he was talking about how he likes his hair played with,so I said come and I'll do it for you,and we were pretty fucked up at this point,so I just sat there with his head in my lap playing with his hair and face very sensuously,you know...and at one point he told me that he could feel my energy through my fingers and that it was like the person's inner self is connecting with the other and that he could feel what kind of a person I was by the way I was touching him..so then he fell asleep and I went to the bedroom and my friend was going to go to bed and Deanna had left so he and I just lay in bed and I played with his hair and talked to him about the night but it's totally platonic because I love my friend and wouldn't feel anything like that for him..so then,we fell asleep and woke up and then the guys bought some fast food and then I went to work....later that night...oh shit....we were thinking about going to a party but first we met up at my friend's again since everyone goes there and we got high and then we went to this off campus party and somehow I ended up riding with MD because he has a two seater and someone asked me if I wanted to go and I was like ok whatever,but inside I said hell yeah...lol...so we go to this party but it sucked so I told him let's go back to school so we do,but first we go to the store to get some beer and he had his arm around me and stuff and he was being really cool but now i am hoping that was not because of just the e we took....so then we go back to campus and this girl I am cool with and just met during the beginning of school was there and she was kind of rubbing his neck and talking to him,and I saw it but just kind of blew it off because we are all just good friends and we are affectionate with one another...so then we decided to go back to my place but my roommates were being kind of bitchy and wanted to go to bed so i was like ok whatever...and we ended up going to MD's place...and then....well, we just sat down and talked about our lives and deep shit and we were drinking and we were sooooo rolling...and then at one point he grabbed my head and looked deep into my eyes and said i want you to get to know me better so that we can become very close and i want to consider you like a big sister and i will be a brother for you...and i was just floored by that..but on one hand after the night ended and i was thinking about it..maybe he kind of picked up on my flirting subtly and was kind of hinting that he wanted to be just plantonic..but maybe on the other hand...like he was asking me if i would trust him and i said it would take some time because i really can't trust someone off the bat and we have been chilling for maybe only 3 weeks now...i met him through my friend who is in my class and just a great guy and like my brother...i just love them....so yeah....then i was like that's amazing and that i hope we know each other in 30 years and we just held hands and then this other girl was just there and then he dragged his mattress on the ground and we lay on it and that's when the shit hit the fan for me...

he was in the middle of us. i was laying to the side..hoping he'd make a move or something....then all of a sudden...i heard soft noises and it sounded scarily like people making out..so i turned my head slowly to the side and i see MD's hands all over the girl and they were making out..i swear to God my heart just dropped from my chest....and I just lay there for the next 5 minutes or so trying to decide what to do next..I really didn't want to be laying next to them while they were doing that...so I got up and walked out to get some air and think...then I was just really upset, felt like crying then I just braced myself and walked back in, sat down on the bed and just dazed off...they stopped and just looked at me...asked me what was wrong...I didn't reply...I just sort of dazed off and was like....nothing...and then I said I was having a really bad trip and that I was kind of feeling weird,and then I said I was just uncomfortable being there and wanted to leave...so I am afraid that he knew from then that I was upset about him being with the girl..so then without a word we go home,and usually we are affectionate..either hold hands or kiss on the cheeks before we part..but all I did was say bye and walked out of the car...and then I went home and woke up my friend from NY who is out here visiting me and I told him what happened and kind of cried a bit..then went to bed because it was around 6 am at that point....and went to sleep and then woke up this morning and called the girl who hooked up with MD...and I told her look if you guys wanted to be alone you should have told me and I would have stayed with my friend John..oh maybe I forgot this part..and maybe it has some significance but after we left the off campus party we went back to my friend's room and that was when she was rubbing on his neck and shit ..and my friend John this German guy that I just love came and we were hugging and I was fucked up and it felt great being in his arms...it's not sexual or anything, but we are just so affectionate with one another...so I am standing there hugging him in front of MD and this girl..and maybe I shouldn't have done that in front of him..maybe I'm not being naive and that things were going cool until I hugged John..I dunno...I don't think I'll know for a while unless things between us becomes less strained again....so then tonight I told my friend I'd get him some cigarettes so I was going to his place and he called me and told me to get my ass down to his place...and I called the girl up and we had talked this morning about stuff and even though I kind of don't trust her too much right now because of what happened and also because I just started knowing who she is...but like tonight was weird. He was quiet..not his usual self...and like I would look at him and he would look away and then I would feel him looking but when I turn my head he would turn his back...and it was weird...I tried to talk to him about stuff but he wasn't really responding and was kind of dazing off..and then the girl went over to him and he was sitting in this chair and she went and sat down on the arm of the chair and was talking to him and being really chummy..now if I wasn't so freaked out about last night I wouldn't have cared...but I was really pissed off but I kept it inside and just dazed at CNN...watching the interview with the pakistani president...trying to get into it while ignoring those two..and then 4 joints were passed around so we all got really high and i gathered the courage to go up to him and say can we talk..i'm sorry if i fucked up your high last night but i was having a bad trip...and all he said was that's cool don't worry about it and just smiled and i was like ok and just sat down back where i was,and then since i had to work in the morning we left and then here i am...still trying to type my paper but can't do anything to concentrate...fuck,i haven't felt this into a guy for a while and he's just fucking amazing and i would love to kiss his lips...and feel his arms around me...god, i'm so insane..i can't believe how stupid i am..am i just really stupid about guys or was he playing with me or what's the fucking deal...what's up with guys...i really was upset...i wanted to click with him but i guess it's just not as deep for him as it is for me...but hey if he wants to fuck this girl then he can have her because fuck that..i've had strong feelings for someone before that i had to kill and it always is quite painful...but what can i do it's a human thing..so now i really hope that things will be back to normal and that we will be cool with each other..he's promised to tell me his philosophy on life and shit..and if he still means the thing about him wanting me to be really close to him then i do hope it happens..but somewhere soon i will just love him as a best friend and that's it..and i hope these other feelings die because if he doesn't want anything but brotherly closeness to me then there's nothing i can do to change it..and who knows,maybe he will feel different as we get to know each other right...he asked me last night if i would trust him and i said that would take some time because i don't trust people too much right off the bat,so he said that was cool and that we would do that...but i dunno..maybe it wasn't weird for him...but it was weird as hell for me..fuck ....i hate feeling this way.....well, that's about it. fucked up story eh. my life is so full of drama, it's crazy. i just hope things turn out the way i want them to, because even though i hope i don't have these feelings if he does end up feeling only platonic feelings and that's it...but god, would i love being with him...i think i'd feel perfect....has anyone ever just felt that with someone..like they are something amazing and you really want to probe into their soul and just feel them...or am i just a really really weird person after all...wow. i just saw how much i wrote....i'm really expressive when i'm high...

Good night.

Love, Me.

[mel-o-d]

that really sucks.

hope everything works out.

[Xpander]

Sigh....

Sassa, come now... You know better than to mix chemicals and emotions now?

Well...it doesn't seem like you can really be sure how he feels, especially when someone's loved up on E and shrooms.

I mean, sit down talks with this guy is still possible, I suppose. But those shroom and E-ed up encounters may not have even really revealed his true nature.

I still think that there's a chance for you two (overly romanticized weirdo that I am, lol) But this time around you should take it slow AND SOBER.

Maybe you should let him know that you weren't totally off of your rockers that night...

[crobra]

Jesus Christ - that was to long - You can't write your paper because you are to busy writting a 10 page thread. Anyway I think you should forget about this guy or just think of him as a friend. He kind of gave you the friend speech or brother - sister speech and then hooked up with some other girl. Unless he is trying to play some fucked up game, he is not looking at you the way you are looking at him. If you go after him you will destroy the friendship, so either deal with it or avoid him if you can't - but I don't think he likes you in that way - sorry - don't worry - there are plenty of other guys!!

[crobra]

oh - one more thing - I don't want to sound preachy - but ease up on all the drugs - how the hell do you know what you really feeling if you are always tripping or smoking or something - try talking to him sober or hanging around with sober!!

[somebitch]

Originally posted by crobra

Jesus Christ - that was to long - You can't write your paper because you are to busy writting a 10 page thread. Anyway I think you should forget about this guy or just think of him as a friend. He kind of gave you the friend speech or brother - sister speech and then hooked up with some other girl. Unless he is trying to play some fucked up game, he is not looking at you the way you are looking at him. If you go after him you will destroy the friendship, so either deal with it or avoid him if you can't - but I don't think he likes you in that way - sorry - don't worry - there are plenty of other guys!!

i totally agree. i also agree with the fact that e always makes me feel really into people when i wouldnt be if i was sober. not only into them in the way that i feel attracted to them physically but also i feel like we have this deep connection. you need to realize that it is the e and not a real connection... you gave him a chance, im sure he could tell you wanted him and he choose to hurt you by messing with some other girl. my advice is not to get too attached, as hard as it is... whatever, just have fun and be safe

[lollib]

Originally posted by sassa

but god, would i love being with him...i think i'd feel perfect....has anyone ever just felt that with someone..like they are something amazing and you really want to probe into their soul and just feel them...

I know exactly how you feel. I met this guy and thought he was absloueltly perfect except for the fact that he had a girlfriend. We did hook up but nothing ever came from it. I still think about him but know we will never be anything.

Anyway, like everyone else said, when you are fucked up, you love everyone and everything seems so great. I think you should talk to him (sober). There is nothing to lose. The worst that can happen is that you and him will just be friends but it is worth a shot.

[sassa]

hey guys, it is the morning and after 4 -5 hours of sleep, i am as always tired as hell and working...the guys that were going to change my carpet came banging on the door at 8:30 this morning and we had to move all our shit out which sucks but better now than never i suppose...well, i'm glad you guys took the time to read my novel...and yeah i know i was supposed to do my paper but it's already halfway done so i don't have a lot to worry about...well, it sucks. i've come to realize that this is just something dumb and i should focus on other things...it will hurt for a while seeing him with sara but whatever...he and i have been sober and talked though...it's not like we're always fucked up around each other...and i am definately cutting down on drugs,because i've started noticing that i want to do way more shrooms and e lately and not smoke as much weed, and i think that's wrong...happened to me last year with alcohol when i would come home every night from a shitty day of classes and work and drink myself stupid...god, it just feels like such a saga and some invisible force is watching and waiting for me to make the next move...damn. i really hope he and i can continue to be good friends...yesterday was weird but maybe i just need to give the whole situation some time....arghhhh!!! if only he wasn't so hot...

[sassa]

OH MY GOD@ I am working right now and guess who the fuck just walked in...it was MD. He didn't notice me at first and then after a while came up to me, said hey girl and kissed me on the cheek....whooohoooo.....but I am beginning to be afraid that it's just a platonic thing..see, my friends are all international students,and there aren't many Americans that I've met that would kiss and hug you every time they see you..well, me and my friends are like that, and I guess I'm just deluding myself if I see more into it than there really is...ARGHHHH...why are there such gorgeous men in the world?????Off to lunch and a cold shower for me,

Sassa

[sonicinfusion]

what the hell is wrong with that guy .. i think he is gay haha

[georgym]

boy o boy o boy, sassa...

i have never paid so much attention to a thread b4... but that's prob. cause you're a CP'er in Sothern Cali, and sound like you want some advice

anywho, get your mind off him for a while... you act like he's the only male in the world...you probably got lotsa things to do, so focus on them...

i wouldn't take this guy so seriously YET. Test him out, you're the girl, you're in control... make him chase after you, then you'll see if he's meant for you or not.

And whenever i felt like you, or had to put drugs on the side for a while, go out on a little vacation or something! Airfares are MAAAD cheap now...

Anthony Kiedis went on a beautiful tour around the world (not saying you have to, but that;s ANTHONY), and he kicked his heroin habit, just to go out and see beauty in the world. He got away from press and the public and his usual circle of friends.

Get out and enjoy life, sass... you only got one!

[sassa]

Hey guys...well,I guess now this thread will soon die ....last night I got out of class and my friend called me up and everyone was going over to our Russian friend's place because they all just got a new house,so I was like ok...so we went there,I was with John my German friend,this girl Sara,and some other people..and when we got there we were bored for a while,and we were waiting for my friend and MD to get back from someone's place to get some bud...so as soon as MD walked in,he went to Sara and held her hands and they just sat all cozy on the couch...so now I know for sure that this isn't going to be a reality...what pisses me off though is that she told me she wasn't interested in him at all,and it nearly hurt me inside to smile and act normal and say to her I hope things are going to be cool,you guys are cute together,etc etc...and she smiled and say she didn't expect this to happen..while inside I just wanted to kick her ass.Instead,I took a few shots of vodka with my friend,who just found out his best friend died yesterday...so then I just said fuck them,went back to campus,and got stoned...and that was my miserable night. Well, that's life for you I suppose...but what annoys me is that sometimes it always seems like the guys you don't don't want you,and the ones you don't give a damn about are all chasing you..why the fuck is life so weird?Goddamn....

Gmcookny, thanks for the advice, think I need it.That's why I posted this shit in here,I needed the viewpoints of people outside the situation and I pretty much more or less know what to do..it's just hard...I'm a really emotional person so this kind of sucks for me...I need to just stay away from everyone for a while I suppose...problem is we always see each other every day. Well, fuck MD.He could have had his chance. Whatever, if he's going to pick that ugly bitch over me.

Now...back to reality....have a term paper to write.