how do i know which one?

[heretic909]

Ok, so I've been dating the same girl for the past six years. The last two years haven't been all that great, but I've stuck with her for reasons that I'm not quite sure of now. Then she left in December to go on tour in Europe, and she's not getting back til June.

Since she left, I've met another girl that I've grown extremely close to. This other girl makes me happy in a way that I haven't felt in many years, and just recently she told me that she loves me. She knows that I already have a g/f, and she seems to have accepted that fact since she asked me when my g/f was coming back because she wanted to know how much longer she'd be able to be with me. And she's also been keeping this 'affair' a secret within our scene for my sake, because she seems genuinely concerned about what's best for me.

Now I feel like my heart is at a fork in the road, and I'm just wondering if posting this nonsense will help alleviate any of this confusion that's been building inside of me. I've been trying to make a 'pro and con' list, but it doesn't seem to be helping me see things any clearer.

As far as my g/f goes:

·I've been with her for six years

·She's extremely beautiful

·We share many similar tastes

·I'm 'comfortable' with her

·And she's very musically talented, and we had planned on starting a new project together when she got back from Europe

On the downside:

·She doesn't make me as happy as she used to

·I feel like we've grown apart since she left

·Both her and her parents are very selfish people

·And she's been lying to me about her finances, and expecting me to pay for her bills and everything while she's away, even though she knows I don't have any money right now which has completely obliterated all of my savings and made life extremely difficult

As far as the other girl:

·I haven't felt this happy in years whenever I'm with her

·She's very generous, and has given me her last dollar even though she doesn't have any money of her own

·She's invited me over and cooked meals for me when I wasn't able to afford to eat

·She's given me more compliments on my music in the past few weeks than any other person ever has

On the downside:

·She is so not my type. She's covered in tattoos, piercings and body scarification, yet there is something about her that I find absolutely adorable

·My parents would probably suffer simualtaneous heart attacks if they ever met her in person

·Her mom is a complete psycho, and always grabbing my hair or my ass whenever I go over to their place

On the plus side for both girls:

·They are both completely amazing in bed

On the down side for both girls:

·Both of them are never on time for anything which drives me nuts (in a bad way)

Sorry this is so long, but does anyone have any views on this? I know I have a history with my g/f and that it'd be really shitty of me to leave her while she's out of the country since I feel somewhat obligated to her. But every time she calls me from Europe now, I'm more annoyed than anything. She'll start nagging me that I'm going out too much, even though I've actually been furthering my career by networking which she doesn't seem to understand. I've actually been enjoying this break I've had from her, and it almost seems like she was holding me back while she was here with me. She tells me that she misses me more and more every day while she's away, and I have to lie to her and tell her that I feel the same way, when in actuality I've enjoyed her absence. Plus the financial situation with her has really fucked me over, and I've been resenting her more and more for leaving me to deal with her debts and shit.

Then there's this other girl. All I know right now, is that I'm sad when we're apart, and I'm completely happy when we're together. She has no expectations of me, and she loves me simply because of the fact that she loves me. She's about as far from the ideal girl that I had imagined myself being with, yet I haven't been able to prevent myself from believing that I love her as well.

I'm wondering if there is any solution to this, or if I'm just fucking with my own head because of my self-destructive nature.

[rachel1997]

tatto's can be removed, peircings can be taken out..... a word to the mother to stop what she's doing and you are fine.

BUT

It's up to YOU what you do. Whomever makes you happy, and you think they care about you, show that they care for you, yadda yadda, you go for it. There are more girls out there and stuff like that, but when you have the "good" feeling with someone over the other, you should go for it.

Good Luck!

[SPYGIRL3]

The question is does this new girl make you happy beacuse she is someone different or does she truely make everything brighter and more beautiful. If you have been stuck in a rut for the last 2 years, maybe this is your way of finding your out..... Do some soul searching and ask yourself what's important and what you need at this point in your life to be happy.

[heretic909]

What also makes this difficult is that I've never dumped a girl. The relationship I'm in now has been for over six years. The relationship before that was over two years. And I've been used so much and fucked over in past relationships, that it's kinda made me jaded as far as taking relationships seriously anymore. This 'other' girl I've been with lately totally makes me happy in a sense that I haven't felt in five years, but I can't help but wonder if she'll just fuck with my head later on down the road also, and if I'd just be better off sticking with the g/f who's in Europe right now. And to make things even more weird, I've conditioned myself to be most content when I'm miserable, and I'm not quite used to the happiness I'm feeling now with this other girl.

[SPYGIRL3]

It's not fair to any of you, no matter how you twist and turn it. This new girl is very into you, you love your girlfriend, but aren't in love with her and you are just confused as hell.....

[rachel1997]

Time will tell all...

[suthrnbelle]

Originally posted by SPYGIRL2

The question is does this new girl make you happy beacuse she is someone different or does she truely make everything brighter and more beautiful. If you have been stuck in a rut for the last 2 years, maybe this is your way of finding your out..... Do some soul searching and ask yourself what's important and what you need at this point in your life to be happy.

yep, yep, and yep...time and soul-searching...not the best quickfixes, but really the only things...don't jump into a new relationship cause it is a diversion from something older not making you happy and don't trade in the old cause there is greener grass until you are sure...think, think, think and look inside yourself--and if all else fails, spend some time on your own and see what/who you really miss inyour life.

[SPYGIRL3]

Originally posted by suthrnbelle

yep, yep, and yep...time and soul-searching...not the best quickfixes, but really the only things...don't jump into a new relationship cause it is a diversion from something older not making you happy and don't trade in the old cause there is greener grass until you are sure...think, think, think and look inside yourself--and if all else fails, spend some time on your own and see what/who you really miss inyour life.

Exactly, don't be hasty in making up your mind, after all you are talking about affairs of the heart. Either way someone will get hurt, just make sure what you get in the end is worth hurting that other person. Intentional or not, broken herats are never fun and sometimes take a long time to heal.....

[rammelsberg]

Whew. This is a tough one man.

I'm glad you decided to post about it. I hope it helps you out.

What I feel is that it's the little things that make a relationship really great. It's not so much you have in common with the person you love, it's how much you two like sitting down at the end of the day to share each other's experiences with each other before you go to bed.

It's how she looks at you and how she'll get you a cup of water if she thinks you want one and how she says good night that I feel really counts. It's how you hold hands when you're walking and if she remembers to let you know you're appreciated a couple times a week.

People are going to change a lot over time. That's why I like to focus on the little things, because those things never have to go away.

I hope that helps.

Another thing you need to consider is that you are definitely going to have to tell your 6 yr girl that you're seeing this other girl. The sooner you do it the better. If you decided to break up with her, you might as well tell her why, and I can't imagine you deciding to stay with her for another 4 years and NOT telling her about it without doing a lot of damage to your conscience. No matter what, it's going to hurt your 6 yr girl a LOT. You've totally broken her trust already and no amount of circumventing or pretending will change that. Plus, I have a feeling that once you do tell her, the decision of weither to stay with her will virtually make itself.

Good luck man.

[suthrnbelle]

Originally posted by rammelsberg

What I feel is that it's the little things that make a relationship really great...

Another thing you need to consider is that you are definitely going to have to tell your 6 yr girl that you're seeing this other girl. The sooner you do it the better. If you decided to break up with her, you might as well tell her why, and I can't imagine you deciding to stay with her for another 4 years and NOT telling her about it without doing a lot of damage to your conscience. No matter what, it's going to hurt your 6 yr girl a LOT. You've totally broken her trust already and no amount of circumventing or pretending will change that.

Good luck man.

you are soooooo right--the little things make a BIG difference...and not telling her is NOT an option...good luck

[tastyt]

I agree with everything SpyGirl and Suthrnbelle have said... It's easy to go ga-ga over a new person; it's a lot harder to tell if it's simply infatuation or something stronger. As for your girlfriend... it's premature to say you should call it quits... even though you love having this time away from her, you never know how you're going to feel when you do finally see her again.

Well... good luck...

[suthrnbelle]

Originally posted by tastyt

As for your girlfriend... you never know how you're going to feel when you do finally see her again.

EXCELLENT point

[heretic909]

Wow, this shit has definitely helped talking about it, and you've all given some great advice. Thanks.

I'm definitely gonna tell my g/f about it, but not while she's in Europe because there's really nothing she can do about it over there, and I don't want her performances to suffer because of shit I've done over here. Plus, I don't want to deny her slapping the shit outta me, so I'm gonna wait til she gets back.

As far as people changing, this was a point the other girl brought up with me. She seems to have no expectations of me other than enjoying the few months we have together if I actually do stay with my g/f, and she said that we might both change by that time and not be into each other as much as we are now. I suppose that would be the easiest solution, but I don't want to stay together with my g/f if I'm just gonna be thinkin about this other girl all the time. The thing is, a lot of the little things have changed with my g/f, and I've noticed that in the last couple years, both of us have gotten a lot more negative with each other. And then this other girl is making me feel almost the same way that I did when I first started seeing my g/f. So I don't know if that emotion is blinding me to what problems might lie down that road, or if I am just genuinely happy with her.

I like the advice of spending time alone, and finding out what a really miss. It's just depressing to think that I still might not miss my g/f in June since that's how I feel now. Even before I met this other girl, I found it difficult to imagine my g/f and I staying together since the happiness seems to have faded. And I know she realizes that fact, too, even though she's always bringing up what we're going to do with our life together. What I can't decide is if she actually wants to try to repair our relationship, or if she just wants to use me, cause I've felt like she's been using me for a while now. Even though she denies it, that's what her actions have told me the past couple years.

I dunno. Guess it'll just take time. But thanks for the advice everyone. I thought I was gonna explode if I didn't get this shit off my chest soon.

[SPYGIRL3]

Originally posted by heretic909

Wow, this shit has definitely helped talking about it, and you've all given some great advice. Thanks.

I like the advice of spending time alone, and finding out what a really miss. .

I dunno. Guess it'll just take time. But thanks for the advice everyone. I thought I was gonna explode if I didn't get this shit off my chest soon.

Sometimes you get so wrapped up un the issue that you forget who you are and what you want......

Glad you feel better:)

[Destiny]

Im a little late on the advice but i thought i would say my piece anyway ....Just because she's completely different from you doesnt mean anything...opposites do attract...i think i've had a relationship wit every type of guy and to tell you...the ones most different from me were the best relationships...they showed me all this different stuff...ok enough wit the mush lol

[SPYGIRL3]

Originally posted by destiny779

Im a little late on the advice but i thought i would say my piece anyway ....Just because she's completely different from you doesnt mean anything...opposites do attract...i think i've had a relationship wit every type of guy and to tell you...the ones most different from me were the best relationships...they showed me all this different stuff...ok enough wit the mush lol

I so believe that everyone is in your life for a reason, to teach you something.

[suthrnbelle]

exactly...and everyTHING happens for a reason...good call, spy and destiny!

[Destiny]

Trust me i go by that every day to make myself get thru crappy situations

[SPYGIRL3]

Originally posted by suthrnbelle

exactly...and everyTHING happens for a reason...good call, spy and destiny!

Even if something terrible has happened or is in the process, something good WILL come out of it.

[Destiny]

This is true...it may not look like it now..but it'll all turn out okay.

[SPYGIRL3]

Originally posted by destiny779

This is true...it may not look like it now..but it'll all turn out okay.

As much as a cliche', every dark cloud does have a silver lining:D

[Destiny]

lol tru tru

[flying_high]

Ok, Heretic... first I need to say that I've been mad at you every time I've read your posts during the last few months as it seemed to me that the girl that you "loved so much and had to ask the board for advice when she was leaving etc." had been forgotten as soon as she was on that plane and long stories about all those escapades followed. I was furious and had beem really mad at you (ask frenchbread cause he had to listen to me swearing at you ).

Anyway, I can't deny though that you remind me of someone very much....myself. I had been with my first big love for more than 5 years and we had a very comfortable and happy relationship. When I finally finished my hotel management course I decided that I wanted to see more of the world (have to add, that I grew up in East Germany and hence never had the chance or opportunity to travel and see different countries) and went to live in London for a year. My bf didn't hold me back and we knew it would only be for some time. Anyway, he still didn't forgive me though for "leaving him behind" and deciding for my dream vs. the love for him, and hence I realized during my first 6 months in London that we had grown apart considerably. We had different dreams and I suddenly saw all the "bad" things about him.

At the same time, I've met this guy that was sensitive, liked art and culture (something my bf could never get too interested in at that time) and made me feel really appreciated. Well, to make a long story short.....I broke up with my bf and got together with that new guy. The relationship didn't last too long either and it took me another 4 years to totally get over my bf....but, this decision changed the direction of my life in a very good way and I don't regret anything.

I probably would have been very happy with my bf but I also don't think I would have developed and spread my wings the way I did. After a long journey and lots of heart ache and lonely nights/years ....I've met though a partner that completes me totally and seems to be send from heaven as he represents EVERYTHING that I've alwasys looked for in a guy.

I can't tell you what to do...but I hope you'll make a decision that seems right to you in your heart. Good Luck and I just wanted to share that little story....

[heretic909]

I understand. I thought that my g/f leaving on this tour would show me how much I would miss her and improve my feelings for her, and I guess I was trying to convince myself that she was 'the one' or something. I don't know if it's because I have so much time invested with her or whatever, but I really haven't missed her at all and I feel like she might have been holding me back when she was here. I really don't even look forward to her weekly phone calls anymore. So I'm not sure what I'm gonna feel when she gets back, or if I want to stay with her anymore or not. But I've also realized lately that this other girl isn't ideal either, even though she's brought some emotions to surface in me that I thought were extinct. I dunno. For the past nine years, I've constantly been in a relationship. There really hasn't been any downtime between relationships, and I'm wondering now if I just need to drop this shit altogether and be single for a while.

[SPYGIRL3]

You can't feel something that's not therr anymore.......