How to read personal ads: 40-ish.....................49 Adventurer..........Slept with all your friends Athletic.......................No tits Average looking.......Has a face like a basset hound Beautiful...................Pathological liar Emotionally Secure.......Medicated Feminist.................... Ugly ball buster Free spirit.................Junkie Friendship first.........Trying to live down reputation as a slut Fun.............................Annoying Gentle...................... Comatose Good Listener......... Borderline Autistic New-Age..............All body hair, all the time Old-fashioned............Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs Open-minded............Desperate Outgoing...................Loud and Embarrassing Passionate................Sloppy drunk Poet....................Depressive Schizophrenic Professional..............Certified Bitch Redhead....................Bad dye-job Romantic............Looks better by candle light Social.........Has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray Wants Soulmate........Stalker Widow.......Drove first husband to shoot himself Young at heart............Old bat