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jy

i just can't be nice

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About two weeks ago I found something that I wasn’t supposed to. A good friend of mine hooked me up with something that I had been forbidden to see for a long time. I didn’t ask to see it and didn’t really care but when I finally read it I realized why I was never allowed to before. Someone I care a lot about, someone who I thought was close to me had written some really mean, terrible and humiliating things about me. At first I wasn’t sure if I should keep it from him and just pretend I hadn’t seen it but then decided that it just hurt to fucking much to keep it to myself. The next time we talked I told the person nicely that I had read it and the only thing the person said was “oh that must have hurt”.

At first the person was all up to gaining my trust back because they knew that it had practically killed me and my self-esteem. Now two weeks later they’re kind of baking off and I know that it’s mostly my fault. The thing that bothers me is that the person expects me to make the effort to fix this and right now although the person wont understand it, it’s really hard for me to be really nice to them like I used to.

So the friendship/relationship is dying as each day goes by. My heart is still in the same place and I still care about this person more than anyone else but it kills me knowing that there is the chance that they don’t care for me in the same way. (what I read lead me to believe that the person just sticks around for kicks). Anyways now things are getting sketchy because I just can’t be nice anymore like I used to. As much as my head is telling me to take off my heart is still there and I just can’t let go.

The person is always making me feel bad, making me feel like it’s my fault and pressuring me into fixing it myself. This isn’t something that I should correct because afterall it’s not me who might feel differently. Like I told the person “you said these things, not me so now it’s up to you to prove me otherwise” I’m slowly realizing though that no matter if the person goes out of there way to prove me wrong nothing is going to erase what I read..

Fuck it hurt, it still hurts.. and now I’m starting to feel guilty for not being nicer but I just can’t help it right now..

Sorry if its so long, it just felt better to vent it all out.

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If he was really your friend, he would have come to you and talked about whatever problems he might have had with you back then...I say dump the fucking wimp and find other friends..there's 6 billion people in the world, I'm sure it won't be hard...

Sometimes you just have to tell people sayonara...and cut them out of your life...for the better.

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As much as it hurts I would say find new friends too...finding out all that stuff about you that he said is proof of how much you need to get away from this person...no one deserves crappy friends who are going to say stuff and hurt them the way he hurt you...make yourself happy and don't put yourself through it. As much as it hurts, you're going to hurt more then that if you are still friends with this person IMO. Good Luck!!

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Originally posted by jy

I still care about this person more than anyone else but it kills me knowing that there is the chance that they don't care for me in the same way.

Obviously If a person behind your back does something to jeopardize your friendship and to hurt you, they don't care. It's not a chance that they don't care, they really don't... This is totally wrong, behind your back write something, expose it to others, make fun, or put you down, knowingly hurt you is fucking wrong. And you shouldn't try to regain that love and that respect for them. Stay strong, don't let this get to you, the world is full of voulchers that look for chances to poke at your flesh. If I were you I would avoid the person, let him/her realize the mistake. Although from some of their comments I think the realization on their part is simply impossible, like, "it mus've hurt" to me thats just a spit in a face. be strong, don't break...

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