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A little over a year or so ago, Chicago Fusion was lucky enough to have a very talented young writer on our staff by the name of Jay Claytor (a.k.a. Blondefonzie). He came up with some of the most clever articles that you'll ever read pertaining to the club scene here in Chicago. The following article was his first effort and is a MUST READ for all Fusionites new and old. Enjoy ...


By: Jay Claytor

Every weekend for the past few months, I have frequented the clubs of Chicago, trying to get my finger on the pulse of the nightlife here for Chicago Fusion. To say the least, being at these clubs for reasons other than to get drunk, dance, and meet people has given me a unique, objective perception of the people and trends that are enmeshed in the club scene.

Being a people watcher by nature, I often notice individuals, or sometimes groups of people that seem to be lost in the crowd, there because they think they should be there, not because they truly want to be, just crying for help. Over the weeks I have kept a running journal of these encounters, and have put together some advice for those lost souls frequenting the clubs. Hopefully, this advice will help you connect with people, have some engaging encounters, and enhance your club going experience

General Tips

1.) Don’t forget why you’re at a club to begin with. So many people spend the entire time at a club trying to look sexy and act important that they forget to have a good time.

2.) When it comes to fashion; just because it looks good on them, doesn’t mean it will look good on you. (more on fashion for guys & girls later)

3.) Once you get a drink at the bar, move along. Sure, it’s nice to have something to lean up against, but be a bit more considerate to the 300 people behind you waiting for a drink.

4.) Don’t complain about the line for valet and coat check. When hundreds of people try to get their coats and cars at the same time, there’s nothing that can be done.

5.) If you’re going to take up space on the dance floor…. dance.

Tips for the Guys

1.) Try and develop a sense of individual fashion. Recent trends have created a condition I call “club camouflageâ€, in which you are bound to blend in with the crowd. This has happened recently with white faux fur coats. Last time I was out I kept looking for a Shepard in the crowd (both a reference to people’s tendency to act like sheep, and the woolly coats). Doing something unique might help women notice you for something other than your fly being open. And always remember #2 in the “General Tip†section above.

2.) A few more fashion tips; try wearing a shirt that doesn’t cut off the circulation to your brain, and you may end up having an intelligent conversation. Also, if you start to look orange, skip a few tanning sessions.

3.) Unless you work there or just came from a funeral, don’t wear a suit to the club. It creates a stuffy atmosphere that many people are looking to avoid after a long week of work. And it will cut back on your dry cleaning bill.

4.) Either learn how to dance, or avoid the floor. And for god’s sake, quit blindsiding women with that repetitive pelvic grind that just ends up bruising her ass.

5.) Avoid “hunting partiesâ€, or groups of more than 4 guys that march into the clubs in obvious pursuit of women. Avoid the predatory instinct to follow a group of girls out on the dance floor. They know you’re on the hunt, and you’ll send your prey scurrying.

6.) If a girl standing by the bar (especially in the VIP area) looks like she’s waiting on someone to buy her a drink, DON’T BE THAT GUY. Let the other suckers get her tipsy, and then make your move.

Tips for the Women

1.) Don’t go to the bathroom in groups anymore. Your cover has been blown. We know you’re there to talk about us.

2.) Be nice.

3.) When it comes to fashion; one cliché at a time, please. Animal prints, Star Trek shirts (only one sleeve), heavy blue eye shadow, chunks of pink and purple in your hair and cowboy hats may look great separately on other people, but it looks like one big, bad tasting fashion casserole on you together.

4.) If you and your friends have nice bodies, men will figure it out, and will notice. There’s no need for you to try and outdo each other by wearing Spalding headbands for shirts. Show yourself a little respect, and I may just do the same. Otherwise, don’t cop an attitude when I stare at your 99.99% exposed bosom.

5.) Don’t order martinis just because you saw it on “Sex in the Cityâ€. Sure, you look sophisticated and elegant, until you take a sip and get bitter beer face. Acquire a taste for them at home, and then bring it to the clubs. And for god’s sake, the dance floor is no place for martinis.

6.) NOT EVERY GUY WANTS YOU. No matter how good you look, we both know some guy, somewhere is sick and tired of putting up with your shit.

These are just a few of many tips that will be coming your way from your friendly (and often sardonic) social critic at Chicago Fusion. Take them as they have been written, sarcastically and lightheartedly. And remember, I wouldn’t do this if I didn’t care…besides; we all are way too easy to make fun of.


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i feel enlightened. but im just laughing now because he just described like every person ive ever seen in nyc clubs..well i shouldnt say that...its more like every person ive ever seen at exit. and as far as the attitudes of people..definitely long island. that and the martini thing...if i had a dollar for every time...id've paid off my car 4 years early.

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too bad this wasn't written a couple years back, when i started to go to clubs. God knows, i have broke almost every rule that was written at one point. the beauty of being older, i no longer look like an ass at the clubs.:party:

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Originally posted by deepak1977

too bad this wasn't written a couple years back, when i started to go to clubs. God knows, i have broke almost every rule that was written at one point. the beauty of being older, i no longer look like an ass at the clubs.:party:

sure you dont... ;)

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