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nycmuzik

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

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One thing kids like is to be tricked.

For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland,

but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse.

"Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down."

He cried and cried, but I think that deep down,

he thought it was a pretty good joke.

I started to drive over to the real Disneyland,

but it was getting pretty late.

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Sometimes when I feel like killing someone,

I do a little trick to calm myself down.

I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell.

When the person comes to the door, I'm gone,

but you know what I've left on the porch?

A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side

of its head with a note that says "You."

After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

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It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble

of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks,

then the guy at Marineland says,

"You can't throw that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."

Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them!

Man, wise up.

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Today I accidentally stepped on a snail

on the sidewalk in front of our house.

And I thought, I too am like that snail.

I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if you will.

But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective substance.

Mine is made out of tin foil and paper bags.

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When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman.

After school we'd all go play in his cave,

and every once in a while he would eat one of us.

It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

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If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner,

but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead,

put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball.

Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys,

let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground.

Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"

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I wouldn't be surprised if someday

some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open,

and there inside was a whole person.

Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark.

And in the baby shark there isn't a person,

because it would be too small.

But there's a little doll or something,

like a Johnny Combat little toy guy - something like that.

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