Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

[dgmodel]

If you go parachuting,

and your parachute doesn't open,

and you friends are all watching you fall,

I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

[dgmodel]

If you define cowardice as running away

at the first sign of danger, screaming and

tripping and begging for mercy, then yes,

Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

[dgmodel]

If a kid asks where rain comes from,

I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying."

And if he asks why God is crying,

another cute thing to tell him is

"Probably because of something you did."

[dgmodel]

As the evening sky faded from

a salmon color to a sort of flint gray,

I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning,

and how gray he was,

and how I named him Flint.

[dgmodel]

To me, clowns aren't funny.

In fact, they're kind of scary.

I've wondered where this started

and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus,

and a clown killed my dad.

[dgmodel]

If trees could scream,

would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?

We might, if they screamed all the time,

for no good reason.

[nycmuzik]

How come the dove gets

to be the peace symbol?

How about the pillow?

It has more feathers than the dove,

and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.

[nycmuzik]

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead.

No, wait, not me, you.

[nycmuzik]

When people say that the desert is lifeless,

it just makes me want to grab them by the collar and yell,

"Why you stupid, stupid person!"

Then I drive them out into the desert to where the circus is,

and point out the many forms of zebra and clown life.

[nycmuzik]

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke",

but, to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

[nycmuzik]

Isn't it funny how whenever we go

to a county fair or a state fair,

the first thing we do is see if they

have some kind of pornography booth.

[nycmuzik]

You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle,

don't sort of "accidentally" brand each other every once in a while.

It's their way of letting off stress.

[nycmuzik]

We used to laugh at Grandpa

when he'd head off and go fishing.

But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when

he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

[nycmuzik]

If you're in a war,

instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy,

throw one of those small pumpkins.

Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is,

and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

[nycmuzik]

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral,

which have been painted brown and attached

to the skull by common wood screws,

can make a child look like a deer.

[nycmuzik]

Probably the earliest flyswatters were

nothing more than some sort of striking surface

attached to the end of a long stick.

[nycmuzik]

I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is,

while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes!

Hey, better try the emergency brake!

[nycmuzik]

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me.

I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive.

I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there.

The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played.

I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad."

We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home.

I guess some things never leave you.

[nycmuzik]

If I was a doctor, operating on a patient,

and he died on me, and his spirit was hovering

above his own body, looking down on it,

I would take out a $100 bill, flash it at the spirit

and then stuff it in the hand of the dead body.

This would coax the spirit to return to his body.

If that didn't work, I'd put the body's hand

on the breast of a nurse.

That ought to do it.

In any case, I'd take the $100 bill back

before he woke up.

[nycmuzik]

Whenever someone asks me

what it means to love,

I spin around

and pin the guy's arm

around his back.

Now who's the one

asking the questions?

[nycmuzik]

If you ever drop your keys

into a river of molten lava

let 'em go, because, man,

they're gone.

[nycmuzik]

I bet the main reason

the police keep people away

from a plane crash is

they don't want anybody walking in

and lying down in the crash stuff,

then, when somebody comes up,

act like they just woke up

and go, "What was THAT?!"

[nycmuzik]

When you go in for a job interview,

I think a good thing to ask

is if they ever press charges.

[nycmuzik]

Dad always thought laughter

was the best medicine,

which I guess is why

several of us

died of tuberculosis.

[nycmuzik]

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land.

He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her.

But when he kissed her, she disintegrated.

Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust,"

some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them.

At his hanging, he told the others,

"I'll be waiting for you in heaven - with a gun."