calories burned during sex

[liqidtouch]

Sexual Positions

Man on top, woman on bottom (facing each other)..........20 calories

Woman on top, man on bottom.........................................25 calories

Many women find that in addition to its inherent sexual possibilities, this position affords a better view of the clock.

From the rear (Mysterious variation)..............................40 1/2 calories

Standing

Both partners of equal height......................................18 calories

Woman 1 foot taller than a man..................................90 calories

The man will have to make several rigorous leaps into the air in order to achieve even minimal satisfaction

While in traction.............................................................124 calories

(very useful during ski season)

Location, Location, Location

On a bar stool....................20 calories

Rear of a Honda Civic......38 calories

In a phone booth

Standing.......................14 calories

lying down...................274 calories

On an airliner

Aisle seat....................24 calories

Middle seat.................42 calories

Window seat...............30 calories

In the lavatory.............100 calories

Finding your clothes....................5 calories

Possible Side Effects of Intercourse

Bouncing........................7 calories

Sliding around................9 calories

Serious Skidding............12 calories

Full cartwheel................20 calories

Whiplash........................27 calories

Knee burn.......................6 calories

Chafed elbows...............5 calories

Chafed nose...................11 calories

Sex Related Noises

Short gasps (per gasp).....................................3 calories

Wheezing.........................................................5 calories

Squeals............................................................4 calories

Ecstatic moaning..............................................11 calories

Low growling..................................................8 calories

Squishing.........................................................10 calories

Shouting...........................................................16 calories

Screaming........................................................18 calories

Urgent begging.................................................22 calories

Any short speech giving partner directions......25 calories

Satisfying Partner (organ size)

Most experts agree that size means nothing. Shape is what counts, and the man with a Shaped organ can write his own ticket. In those rare instances where a man has a genuinely small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder, but this is good for weight loss. A man with a really large organ, while he might not have to work as hard once inside, may exhaust himself just trying to convince his partner to let him put it inside.

Normal size............22 calories

Oversize.................15 calories

Tremendous............8 calories

Teensy-weensy.......163 calories

Approaching Orgasm

Letting go..........................................................5 1/2 calories

Controlling yourself.........................................79 calories

Digging nails in your partners back back.........11 calories

Trembling........................................................15 calories

Shaking............................................................20 calories

Shuddering......................................................25 calories

Trying to keep eyes open................................33 calories

Orgasm

Real............27 calories

Faked.........160 calories

Orgasmic Intensity Scale

Expression didn't change...............1/2 calorie

Face turned purple........................15 calories

Orchestra swelled.........................6 calories

Magical explosions.......................10 calories

Blazing Sheets...............................25 calories

Earth moved..................................30 calories

Vesuvius erupted...........................47 calories

You began moaning in Latin..........60 calories

Pulling Out

After orgasm...................................1/4 calorie

A few moments before orgasm.......500 calories

Multiple Orgasms

For woman

2......14 calories

5......30 calories

8......47 calories

Depending on greed her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8 orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or disarranging her hair. As the number increases, however, she may begin to experience a form of "reduced sanity" that will temporarily interfere with her ability to cook, worship and ride a Moped.

For Men

2......21 calories

3......39 calories

4......57 calories

For a man, its a different situation, perhaps due to physiological and biological reasons. Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears. With few exceptions, however, a man who tries to achieve more than 10 orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain damage.

Special Orgasms

Clitoral...............15 calories

Vaginal...............21 calories

Penile.................21 calories

Scrotile..............15 calories

Rectal................25 calories

Oral...................30 calories

Premature Ejaculation

During insertion.............................2 calories

During intercourse.........................5 calories

approx.. 2 sec's or 3 thrusts after insertion,

which ever comes first

During foreplay.............................3 calories

Immature ejaculation.....................4 calories

similar to premature ejaculation except male

acts childish and throws a tantrum

Consequences of Premature Ejaculation

Even if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec's of intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to watch the footy on the tv.

For Woman

Frustration..........................................8 calories

Anger.................................................15 calories

Violent mood swing...........................20 calories

Suppressing rage................................25 calories

Not suppressing anger........................65 calories

in extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks,

and gently massaging partner's head with a tire iron.

For Men

Cursing..............................................10 calories

Apologizing.......................................3 calories

Sniveling..........................................5 calories

Pleading for mercy............................8 calories

Begging for another chance...............15 calories

Recovering

Un-entwining............................................3 calories

Regaining motor control of pelvis.............7 calories

After especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waist to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk ( put one foot in front of the other), which will seriously impair your chances of going to the bathroom or getting a juice.

Standing up...............................................9 calories

Getting some juice....................................11 calories

Trying Again

If the woman is ready...........5 calories

If the man is not....................156 calories

Dreaming

Regular dream.................2 calories

Wet Dream......................16 calories

Add 5 calories if it occurs while in bed with your partner;

Add 20 calories if your partner notices

Wet Trance......................20 calories

Usually occurs in the presence of a sensual hypnotist

Masturbation

For pleasure only...................................6 calories

For exercise, too....................................10 calories

For relief from tension...........................12 calories

To pass the time.....................................7 calories

To avoid overeating...............................16 calories

To get in touch with inner self...............10 calories

To get in touch with outer self..............10 1/4 calories

To avoid insanity..................................24 calories

To avoid spending money on a date......9 calories

In addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping and binge's, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get warm.

Using

Your hand(s):

Regular way......................................11 calories

Your finger(s)...................................9 calories

Tweezers..............................................2 calories

An inflatable doll.................................24 calories

Any fruit or vegetable..........................19 calories

except watermelon or a sprig of parsley

A vibrator:

Hand-operated.................................12 calories

Windup............................................9 calories

Electric............................................5 calories

Anything not mentioned here.................50 calories

In a pornographic movie theater

Purchasing the ticket.........................2 1/2 calories

Finding isolated seat.........................78 calories

Adjusting raincoat.............................3 calories

Typical Sex-Related Fears

Partner hates me for what I did............................4 calories

Partner hates me for what I didnt do....................8 calories

Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual.......10 calories

Climaxing too soon.............................................5 calories

Climaxing too late...............................................6 calories

Not climaxing......................................................20 calories

Partner thinks of me as a sex object.....................9 calories

Partner doesn't think of me as a sex object...........47 calories

Partner will neglect to administer last rites

should I not recover from orgasm......................88 calories

Personal Fears

Gigantic cellulite that shake and ripple during orgasm....6 calories

Stretch marks that look like a plowed field........................8 calories

Penis envy.........................................................................72 calories

Body odor of a disgruntled yak..........................................25 calories

Getting Caught

By partner's spouse.........60 calories

By your spouse................60 1/2 calories

Trying to explain.............165 calories

Stuttering.........................28 calories

Throwing-up...................40 calories

Calorie counts here are flexible, depending on type of spouse-whether understanding and open-minded, or narrow-minded and armed

Almost Getting Caught

Trying to remain calm...........................100 calories

Fright (includes trembling)...................66 calories

Leaping out of bed................................25 calories

Getting dressed in one large motion.....300 calories

Thanking partner quickly......................2 calories

Jumping out of window........................15 calories

add 5 calories if window wasn't open

Landing................................................1 calorie

Running very fast.................................50 calories

[erica127]

I have to say that was definitely the best thing i have read in a while. I actually read everything on that page, i was really bored cuz i hate school.. Thank you for keeping me entertained

[jerzeygirl]

Just exactly where did you get all that information?

[liqidtouch]

anytime sweety

nice to see that ppl actually read it-

glad u liked it

look on the boards for my

" the new MAYBE thread"

[liqidtouch]

hey jersygrl

as u know-

what keeps alot of CP threads interesting and make ppl come back for more is the fact that some of us DONT know where the info derives from-

so keep looking around the boards for other posts that i left-

*hint

threads STARTED by D J LIQID TOUCH or LIQIDTOUCH

i mean i cant just give away ALL my leads

*wink

have fun

[jerzeygirl]

O.K. Liquidtouch I understand that you gotta keep it a secret and that's perfectly fine with me.

LOL

[solargirl]

[rdntheshortbus]

There should be a subclause stating that incorportaing any of the solargirls into a sexual act will burn off an addition 300 calories.......

CAUzE THeY mAke Me sOOOooooo CRaZeeeee!!!!!!!!

[ibclubbin]

so thats how ive been able to stay in shape considering I havent been to the gym much lately:rock:

BG

[liqidtouch]

well im just doing this fromm memory cause i know

I HAVENT been getting any

[solargirl]

300 CALORIES....THATS IT?!!

IM INSULTED AT LEAST 1000:)

[rdntheshortbus]

I will edit my post.... It should have read an extra 300 calories per minute...... (per solargirl!!!)

So it could easily hit 600 per minute if all three of us were "hangin" out.... lmao!!!!!

Sorry, I am still a walking hormone today....

[solargirl]

RDSHRTBUS

DONT YOU EVER WORK?

YOU AND ERIC ONE ALWAYS POSTING ON COMPANY TIME!

...YEAH 300 CALORIES PER MINUTE SOUND RIGHT!

[rdntheshortbus]

Self employed......

I hire people to do the work....

lmao!!!!!!

Just kiddin... my computer is right at my desk, so I jump on and talk online when its slow......

Work has been slow though lately.... When its busy I disappear for a few days at a time....

Wait a minute, do you work??????

[solargirl]

I REALLY AM SELF EMPLOYED

I WORK ONCE A WEEK BUT I CHECK ON MY STORE EVERYDAY:)

WHERE DO YOU WORK

I HAVE A FUNNY STORY ABOUT YOU...SOMEONE I KNOW THOUGHT THAT YOUR NAME IMPLIED THE SIZE OF YOUR ....UMMM..BUS..HEHE.

[roddigga]

Originally posted by rdntheshortbus

Self employed......

I hire people to do the work....

lmao!!!!!!

Just kiddin... my computer is right at my desk, so I jump on and talk online when its slow......

Work has been slow though lately.... When its busy I disappear for a few days at a time....

Wait a minute, do you work??????

YEAH HE WORKS FOR ME!!! clean my CD's fool and rotate my turn tables, and clean my bumper!!!..............HOLLA shortbus, dude to mangled to drive to afterhours sorry pal!!!! hope ya had a good time friday

[rdntheshortbus]

Had a great time... just bummed you and Deizel were unable to participate.....

Hit another afterhours till 4am.... then swung over to check out the loft.....

Got there around 4:30, decided it would be best just to head home before I got myself into trouble.... so I ended up hitting one more after hours on the way home....

No sleep... up all day Saturday.... hit a house party in New Brunswick, then late night again... finally tipped over around 6am Sunday.... got a full three hours sleep, all weekend... lmao!!!