gumby76 Posted March 14 Report Share Posted March 14 In hopes of adding a little sunshine to everyone's daily grind, I am creating a joke of the day thread. I will post one and only one joke everyday (except weekends and holidays/vacations). Feel free to contribute or just comment. VB this one is for you---------------------------------------------Two friends, Harry and Richard, head out for a round of Sunday golf. When Richard returns home his wife asks him how his round was."Terrible," he replies. "Harry had a heart attack on the third hole.""That is terrible!" His wife exclaims"Tell me about it," said Richard. "And the worst part was, we were walking, so for 15 holes it was like, hit the ball, drag Harry...hit the ball, drag Harry..."See ya tomorrow ------------------ ...Loved or Hated but never Ignored... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gumby76 Posted March 15 Author Report Share Posted March 15 Two midgets walk into a bar at the North Pole. One asks the bartender, "Do you have any midget nuns around here?""Midget nuns? No," he answers.The first midget turns to the second and says, "See, I told you that you fucked a penguin!"------------------ ...Loved or Hated but never Ignored... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~surreal~ Posted March 15 Report Share Posted March 15 ------------------ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gumby76 Posted March 15 Author Report Share Posted March 15 grandma...dope sig...now onto the jokesThere was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty one, the women in his class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this, so the following day he walked in and said, "Class, did you hear about the shortage of whores in India?"All the women stood up and headed for the door."Wait, ladies!" cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave til tomorrow!"You all have a great weekend. See ya on Monday. ------------------ ...Loved or Hated but never Ignored... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~surreal~ Posted March 15 Report Share Posted March 15 Originally posted by gumby76:grandma...dope sig...Thanx gumby! Dito on the joke. Now that's comedy!------------------ "I try to make everyone's life a little more ." - Calvin, "Calvin & Hobbes" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kelly4185 Posted March 16 Report Share Posted March 16 okay, i gotta give you that one....nice work, mc!xoxokav Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vaughnblue Posted March 19 Report Share Posted March 19 The teacher says, “Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today.”Little Johnny says to himself, “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m clever—that answer’s mine!”The teacher asked, “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, “Abraham Lincoln,”The teacher said, “That’s right, Susie, you can go.”Johnny was mad. Susie had answered first.The teacher asked, “Who said, ‘I Have a Dream’?”Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, “Martin Luther King.”The teacher said, “That’s right, Mary, you can go.”Johnny was even madder than before. Mary had answered first.The teacher asked, “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?”Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, “John Kennedy.”The teacher said, “Thats right, Nancy, you can go.”Johnny was fuming. Nancy had answered first.As the teacher sat down, Johnny muttered, “I wish these bitches had kept their mouths shut.”The shocked teacher asked, “Who said that?”Johnny jumped up and hollered, “Bill Clinton!!! See you Monday!” ------------------"Free Thinkers Are Dangerous..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~surreal~ Posted March 19 Report Share Posted March 19 hahaha...gumby it's alwasy so nice of you to share your childhood memories with us. It always puts a smile on my face. Originally posted by gumby76:A salesman knocks on the door of a house in a quite city suburb neighborhood. The door is opened by a 10 year-old boy dressed in a cape that trails along the behind him. On his head, he's wearing a large fedora. In one hand, he holds a huge glass of brandy and in the other, a remote control. In his mouth is a cuban cigar. "Mom or dad home?" asks the salesman.The boy replies, "Does it f - - king look like it?"As for you vaughn... ------------------ "I try to make everyone's life a little more ." - Calvin, "Calvin & Hobbes"[This message has been edited by ~surreal~ (edited 03-19-2001).] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gumby76 Posted March 20 Author Report Share Posted March 20 A salesman knocks on the door of a house in a quite city suburb neighborhood. The door is opened by a 10 year-old boy dressed in a cape that trails along the way behind him. On his head, he's wearing a large fedora. In one hand, he holds a huge glass of brandy and in the other, a remote control. In his mouth is a cuban cigar. "Mom or dad home?" asks the salesman.The boy replies, "Does it f - - king look like it?"------------------ ...Loved or Hated but never Ignored...[This message has been edited by gumby76 (edited 03-19-2001).] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vaughnblue Posted March 20 Report Share Posted March 20 Im not sure if ive posted this before... A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.”“No, no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just ice cream.“ ------------------ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
djfrostcali Posted March 20 Report Share Posted March 20 Now that's some funny sh!te...djfrostcali--------------------- DISCO LEO! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gumby76 Posted March 20 Author Report Share Posted March 20 So Bert met Emily in a bar one night and began buying her drinks. They hit it off, and soon Bert suggested they go back to his place for some extracurricular activities. It wasn't long before they found themselves in bed making what Bert thought was passionate love. As they were doing the horizontal shuffle, Bert kept noticing that Emily's toes curled up as he thrusted in and out. Bert was new to the love making game, but he knew this was a good sign. When they were done, Bert laid back and said, "I was pretty good tonight, huh - I noticed your toes curling up when I was doing my thang."Emily looked at him, smiled and said,"That usually happens when someone forgets to remove my pantyhose." and no grandma this is not another chapter from the chronicles of "The Life of Gumby"------------------ ...Loved or Hated but never Ignored... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~surreal~ Posted March 20 Report Share Posted March 20 Originally posted by gumby76:and no grandma this is not another chapter from the chronicles of "The Life of Gumby"lol...okay sonny, just checkin'. ------------------ "I try to make everyone's life a little more ." - Calvin, "Calvin & Hobbes" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vaughnblue Posted March 21 Report Share Posted March 21 After years of hard work, an ambitious yuppie books himself on a Caribbean cruise. He has the time of his life until the boat sinks and he ends up on a desert island. A month later the man looks out to sea and sees a gorgeous woman rowing to shore. He asks her where she’s come from.“I was shipwrecked last year,” she says. “I’ve been stranded on the other side of the island.”“Where did you get the rowboat?”“I made it out of gum trees and palm branches,” she replies.“But you had no tools!” he says.“I used volcanic rocks to whittle the wood, and eucalyptus jelly as glue.”The woman takes the man to the other side of the island and leads him into an elaborate bungalow with ceiling fans and furniture she made out of vines. The man can’t believe his eyes. They sit down, and she smiles at him. “Now, tell me,” she says, looking deep into his eyes. “Is there something you’ve been desiring while you’ve been alone? You know… ”“Do you mean,” he whispers, “I can check my E-mail from here!?!”this joke was ehhhhh but it had to do with email so why not ------------------ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gumby76 Posted March 21 Author Report Share Posted March 21 A man has three girlfriends and can't decide which one to marry. So, he gives each of them $500 to see how they'll spend it. The first girl has a complete makeover: new hairstyle, facial, manicure, new dress, the whole nine yards. "It's to please you," she explains, "because I love you so much." The second girl buys the man a new set of golf clubs. "It's to please you," she explains,"because I love you so much." The third girl invests the money in the stock market, doubles it, reinvests it again, doubles it and hands the man $2000 in fresh crisp $50 bills. "It's to please you," she explains,"because I love you so much."The man thinks long and hard about how each girlfriend has managed the cash...and then he marries the one with the biggest tits! ------------------ ...Loved or Hated but never Ignored... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vaughnblue Posted March 21 Report Share Posted March 21 ------------------ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vaughnblue Posted March 22 Report Share Posted March 22 A man walked into his back yard one morning and found a gorilla sitting in a tree, staring back at him. He tried unsuccessfully to get the gorilla to leave, so he called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with: a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs, and a shotgun. “Now listen carefully,” the serviceman told the homeowner. “I’m going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for the privates of the animal, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the handcuffs!” “Got it.” the homeowner replied. “But what's the shotgun for?” “If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla,” said the serviceman, “shoot the Chihuahua.” ------------------ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gumby76 Posted March 23 Author Report Share Posted March 23 LMAO...VB nice workA guy flies to Vegas for a week of gambling and loses his shirt, leaving the casino with nothing but his plane ticket home. If he could just get to the airport, he'd be home free. At the casino cabstand, there's a taxi waiting. He gets in and explains his situation, promising to pay the fare when he gets home. The cabbie says, "Listen, you gimme $15 or you can walk mister." So the man is forced to walk, misses his flight and spends the night at the airport. A year later, the guy is back in town at the same casino, but this time his luck is on. As he's leaving with a million dollars in his pocket, he sees the same cabbie from the year before, way at the end of the taxi line. He approaches the first cab and asks, "How much for a ride to the airport?""Fifteen bucks," says the cabbie."And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?" asks the guy."Get the f**k out of my cab, you sick f**k!" screams the driver. The guy repeats the same line each to each cabbie and gets the same pissed off response every time. Finally, he gets to the driver who refused him when he was down on his luck last time. "How much for a ride to the airport?" he asks. The cabbie, not recognizing him, replies, "Fifteen bucks mister." They set off, and as the cab pulls away from the curb, the guy gives each of the other cabbies a big grin and a huge thumbs-up.------------------ ...Loved or Hated but never Ignored... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vaughnblue Posted March 23 Report Share Posted March 23 Hey gumby i think were the only 2 left on this post ;ets ee how long we could keep it goingOnce upon a time there was an elderly gentleman suffering from Alzheimer’s. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn’t handle him any longer. He would wander about, never knowing where he was or, sometimes, even who he was. She decided to take him to a nursing home.At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man started slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time the nurse strapped him into the chair.After completing the paperwork, his wife walked up to him and asked, "So are you sure this place is okay?""It’s okay," he said, "but why won’t they let me fart?" ------------------ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gumby76 Posted March 23 Author Report Share Posted March 23 I'm witchya dog...There was a mamma mole, a pappa and a baby mole who lived in a hole outside next to the farmer's house. One day, the pappa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell some sweet apple pie."The mamma mole reached her head outside of the hole and said,"Ohhhh, I smell some luscious buttermilk pancakes."The baby mole tried to reach his head outside of the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said,"Damn it, the only thing I can smell is molasses."see you all next week------------------ ...Loved or Hated but never Ignored...[This message has been edited by gumby76 (edited 03-23-2001).] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~surreal~ Posted March 23 Report Share Posted March 23 You guys are too funny! Keep 'em coming kids.------------------ "I try to make everyone's life a little more ." - Calvin, "Calvin & Hobbes" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littleboybleu Posted March 26 Report Share Posted March 26 sick of of all those kids riding those damn 'Razor' scooters. i think that all cp people should get ghetto sccoters, we'll be the talk of the town. www.ghettoscooter.com ------------------ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gumby76 Posted March 26 Author Report Share Posted March 26 Hope everyone had a good weekend, now back to our program...A couple is on vacation, trekking through the Amazon rain forest, when the guy spots a snake. "That's a rare striped python!" exclaims the man. "I must take that home to add to my collection."So, he duly scoops it up and places it in his backpack. Another hour into the journey, he cries out in excitement again. "Look, a rare albino skunk! That belongs in my collection too." The skunk joins the snake in the bag. At the airport, the couple is discussing how to smuggle the two creatures out of the country. The guy takes the snake and ties it around his waist. "We'll say it's a snakeskin belt." He says."What about the skunk?" asks his wife. "Easy," he replies. "That can go in your shorts.""You're crazy!" she cries. "What about the smell?"The guy thinks for a moment and then says, "Well, we'll just have to risk it. If it dies, it dies."------------------ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vaughnblue Posted March 27 Report Share Posted March 27 Ive been out of it for a couple of day too just started some new BS job but here we go ...Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replies, "I see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent." ------------------ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~surreal~ Posted March 27 Report Share Posted March 27 LOL...g1 gumbo, thanks for starting our Monday morning out right. ------------------ "I try to make everyone's life a little more ." - Calvin, "Calvin & Hobbes" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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