JOTD

[vaughnblue]

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[gumby76]

That's rich VB...co-workers are looking at me I'm laughing so hard

Originally posted by Grandma:

as the femenists throw tomatoes at me

Here's one to quiet all those carpet-munchers...

One day, three men were walking through a forest and came upon a raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but they had no idea how to do it.

The first man prayed to god, saying, "Please, Lord, give me the strength to cross this river."

*POOF!* God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please, God, give me the strength and the ability to cross this river."

*POOF! God gave him a boat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God, saying, "Please, Father, give me the strength, ability and intelligence to cross this river."

And *POOF!* God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, then walked across the bridge.

Happy Hump Day Ladies!

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[vaughnblue]

A group of senior citizens was sitting around talking about their ailments:

“My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee,” said one.

“Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can’t even see my coffee,” replied another.

“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

“My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,” another went on.

“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man as he shook his head.

Then there was a short moment of silence.

“Well, it’s not that bad,” said one woman cheerfully. “Thank God we can all still drive!”

Before i get the "that sucks" you all know it true

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[~surreal~]

FAST BELLS...Overdrive

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away, Jenny

rushed to

her grandmother's side. When she asked the particulars of her

grandfather's death, her grandmother explained, "He had a heart

attack

during sex on Sunday morning." Horrified, Jenny suggested sex at

age 94

was surely asking for trouble. "Oh, no," her grandmother

replied, "We

had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells - in

with

the dings and out with the dongs."

She paused and wiped away a tear. "If it hadn't been for that

ice cream

truck going past, he'd still be alive."

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"I try to make everyone's life a little more ." - Calvin, "Calvin & Hobbes"

[mysfit420]

One day during recess Little Billy asks his teacher a 'riddle'

BillY: there are three women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. The first one is slowly licking it taking her time, the second one is seductivly licking it all around and the third is gobbling it all up. How do you know which one is married?

Teacher turns a little red,grins and bashfully replies)she is the one gobbling it all up.

Billy: no, the one wearing a wedding band but I like the way you think.

[ericanthony]

You guys are going to love this one.

A guys walks up to the bartender and says, "I'll make you a bet. Put a shot glass way down there at the other end of the bar. I'll get up on the bar and pee into the glass 20 feet away without spilling a drop. If I win, you give me $100, and if I lose, I'll give you $100."

The bartender agrees knowing what an immpossible feat this would be.

So the guy gets up on the bar, drops his pants and starts peeing all over everything. He pees on the bar, the floor, even on the bartender.

The bartender starts jumping up and down since he just won $100. He gets a confusing look on his face and asks the guys why he's so happy after just losing the bet.

The guy answers, "I bet the guy in the back of the bar $500 that I'd pee all over you and you wouldn't get angry!"

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<A HREF="/cgi-bin/redir.cgi?<A HREF="/cgi-bin/redir.cgi?url=http://www.mystylus.com" TARGET=_blank> </A>

[~surreal~]

Originally posted by ericanthony

I know that's bad...

Yep, you're right.

[~surreal~]

Subject: Fw: The Steeler Fan

A Pittsburgh Steelers Fan is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissants,

bread, butter & jam, when a Dallas Cowboys Fan, chewing gum, sits down next to

him. The Steeler Fan ignores the Cowboy Fan, who, nevertheless, starts a

conversation.

Cowboy Fan - "You Steeler folk eat the whole piece of bread?"

Steeler Fan - "Of course!"

Cowboy Fan- (after blowing a large bubble) "We don't. In Dallas, we only eat

what's inside. We collect the crusts in

a container, recycle it, tranform them into croissants and sell them to

Pittsburgh." (The Cowboys fan has a smirk on his face.)

The Steeler Fan listens in silence.

The Cowboy Fan persists. "Do you eat jelly with the bread?"

Steeler Fan - "Of course!"

Cowboy Fan- (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling) "We don't. In

Dallas we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and

leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and jelly and

sell it to Pittsburgh.

The Steeler Fan then asks, "Do you have sex in Dallas?"

Cowboy Fan- "Why of course we do!", he says with a smirk.

Steeler Fan- "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Cowboy Fan- "We throw them away, of course!"

Steeler Fan- "We don't. In Pittsburgh, we put them in a container, recycle them,

melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to Dallas."

[~surreal~]

This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walks

into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy

armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and

asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her.

At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on

the bar and says, "Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a

drink!"

The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After

she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and

points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit

and saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and

says, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"

After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches

the little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to

buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"

The drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her

leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"

[~surreal~]

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when

he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the

floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient #1 what he was doing. The patient

replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.

Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy.

He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices

Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get

him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"