~surreal~ Posted March 27 Report Share Posted March 27 LOL!! Nice to have you back Juan! ------------------ "I try to make everyone's life a little more ." - Calvin, "Calvin & Hobbes"[This message has been edited by ~surreal~ (edited 03-27-2001).] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vaughnblue Posted March 27 Report Share Posted March 27 I once took a spanish class and the teacher gave everyone a spanish name i was Nacho just a little random info .....A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks. The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?" "Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand." "Incredible!" says the seaman. "How’d you get the eye patch?" "A sea gull shit in my eye," the pirate replies. "You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asks. "Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook." have a nice day,,,,,,,,------------------ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littleboybleu Posted March 27 Report Share Posted March 27 sorry vaughnblue i had to post these pics. ------------------ [This message has been edited by littleboybleu (edited 03-27-2001).] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gumby76 Posted March 27 Author Report Share Posted March 27 An Amish father and son are in their local shopping mall for the very first time staring at the very first elevator they've ever seen. They watch with fascination as an old lady with a cane limps inside and presses a button. The door closes, and the Amish folks stare as a row of numbers light up one by one above the doors...up...then down. When the doors open again, a beautiful, leggy brunette steps out. The father turns to his son and says, "Boy, go get your mother, NOW!"------------------ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missylala Posted March 27 Report Share Posted March 27 not exactly a joke but still passes the time at work.A quick test of intelligence. Read this sentence:FINISHED FILES ARE THE RES-ULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-IC STUDY COMBINED WITHTHE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.Now go back and count the F's in that sentence. BUT only count them ONCE. Do not go back and count them again and again. See ANSWER below...ANSWER: There are six F's in the sentence. A person of average intelligence finds three of them.If you spotted four, you're above average.If you got five, you can turn your nose at most anybody.If you caught six, you are a geniusThere's no catch. Many people forget the "OF"'s. The human brain tends to see them as V's and not F's. Pretty weird, huh?------------------ missylala Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~surreal~ Posted March 27 Report Share Posted March 27 That was a neat one missylala, thanx for sharing. ------------------ "I try to make everyone's life a little more ." - Calvin, "Calvin & Hobbes"[This message has been edited by ~surreal~ (edited 03-27-2001).] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vaughnblue Posted March 27 Report Share Posted March 27 Originally posted by littleboybleu:sorry vaughnblue i had to post these pics. sweet pics ------------------ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hardcore Posted March 27 Report Share Posted March 27 Those pictures are great. ------------------Next. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vaughnblue Posted March 28 Report Share Posted March 28 heres a little one liner...Q: What’s red and orange and looks good on hippies?A: Fire One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, while questioning him about his life, she asked him how he had sex. “What sex? ” he asked. She explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said “Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree. ”Horrified, she said, “Tarzan, you have it all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly. ”She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. “Here, ” she said, “you can put it in here. ”Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave Jane a kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, “What the hell did you do that for? ”“Tarzan not stupid - check for bees. ” ------------------ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gumby76 Posted March 28 Author Report Share Posted March 28 Nice VB, I especially liked the one-linerA wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention ofhaving lunch. The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doodoo now."....Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, That was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put his knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him headingafter the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen themyet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's thatmonkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"Have A Great Hump Day! ------------------ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~surreal~ Posted March 28 Report Share Posted March 28 Hehehehe, those were great VB and little green man. <<<two thumbs up>>>------------------ "I try to make everyone's life a little more ." - Calvin, "Calvin & Hobbes" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vaughnblue Posted March 29 Report Share Posted March 29 pay attention in class!!!An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class: “There are two things you need to succeed in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.” Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it. “Now you must do the same,” he told the class. After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed. “Second,” the professor continued, “You must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this corpse’s anus, but licked my index finger?” ------------------ [This message has been edited by vaughnblue (edited 03-29-2001).] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~surreal~ Posted March 29 Report Share Posted March 29 ...thanx vaughn, this will now help me in ALL my classes. Where were you in the begining of the semester???------------------ "I try to make everyone's life a little more ." - Calvin, "Calvin & Hobbes" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gumby76 Posted March 29 Author Report Share Posted March 29 Pinocchio and his girlfriend are in bed enjoying a post coital smoke. "Pinocchio, you're probably the best lover I've ever had," sighs the girl "but every time we make love, you give me splinters."The next day Pinocchio goes to see his maker, Geppetto, about this problem. Geppetto thinks for a moment, then says, "Sandpaper might smooth out your relationship problems."Pinnocchio thanked Geppetto and headed directly for the local hardware shop. A few weeks pass, and Geppetto sees Pinnocchio in the hardware store again, buying all the sandpaper he can wrap his little wooden hands around. "So, Pinnocchio, things must be going quite well with your woman.""Woman? Who needs woman?"As I will be travelling tomorrow, I will be out of pocket until next week...See ya Monday ------------------ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vaughnblue Posted April 2 Report Share Posted April 2 Lets bring this back to the top .....Q: What’s black and white, black and white, black and white, and black and blue?A: A nun falling down the stairs. Late one evening, an officer was parked outside a local pub. He noticed a man leaving the bar who was so intoxicated that he could barely walk.The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing. After the intoxicated man had tried his keys on five different vehicles, he managed to find his car and fall into the driver_sq__sq_s seat. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off, flicked the indicators on, tooted the horn, and then finally switched on the lights. He remained stationery for a few more minutes as more cars left the parking lot. After what seemed like an eternity, he pulled out of the lot and started to drive slowly down the road.The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over, and carried out a breathalyzer test.To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!Dumbfounded, the officer said “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station; this equipment must be broken.”“I doubt it,” said the man, “tonight I’m the designated decoy.” -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~surreal~ Posted April 2 Report Share Posted April 2 ...g1.------------------ "I try to make everyone's life a little more ." - Calvin, "Calvin & Hobbes" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gumby76 Posted April 2 Author Report Share Posted April 2 Whats the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?One's a Goodyear, the other is a GREAT year!-------------------------------------------Three blondes are walking through the forest. They come upon some tracks. The first blonde says, "They're deer tracks, I know it."The second blonde says, "No way, those are bear tracks, I'm positive."The third blonde says, "Sorry, you're both wrong, those are moose tracks, no doubt about it."Then the train hits them! ------------------ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kelly4185 Posted April 2 Report Share Posted April 2 ....okay, the blond one was a good one even though im not a fan of blond jokes....check your email, mcg... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vaughnblue Posted April 3 Report Share Posted April 3 It was George the Mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. “All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?”“Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, ‘Fuck him. Give him a dollar.’ The breakfast was my idea.” have a nice day...... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~surreal~ Posted April 4 Report Share Posted April 4 LOL! g1 gumbo <<<as the femenists throw tomatoes at me>>>------------------ "I try to make everyone's life a little more ." - Calvin, "Calvin & Hobbes" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gumby76 Posted April 4 Author Report Share Posted April 4 Short but sweet...A 767 is flying over the Atlantic. The engine fails, and the plane starts to go down. The stewardess runs into the cockpit, rips off her blouse and screams at the captain: "Please! Before I die, make me feel like a real woman!"The captain, not one to disappoint, stands up, rips off his shirt and says, "OK, iron this." ------------------ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vaughnblue Posted April 4 Report Share Posted April 4 A 92-year-old man moved into a retirement home where he immediately met a 90 year old woman. They hit it off right away.After a few weeks of spending time together, the man said, “You know, we’re past our sexual years, so I wonder if it would be okay for you to just hold my penis in your hand.”The woman seemed surprised, but said, “Well, I guess it wouldn’t do any harm to just hold it.” So, for the next few weeks, they could always be found on a park bench near a lake, the lady holding the man’s penis in her hand.One day the old man didn’t show up. Beginning to worry, the lady set out in search of him. A few blocks away, sitting on another park bench was the old man…with another woman.The first old lady approached the couple and saw the other woman holding the man’s penis in her hand. She became very upset and yelled to the man, “I thought we had something special. Now, I find you with another woman, and she’s holding your penis in her hand. What does she have that I don’t have???”The old man looked up, smiled, and said…“Parkinson’s.” ------------------ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~surreal~ Posted April 4 Report Share Posted April 4 That's terrible Vaughn ------------------ "I try to make everyone's life a little more ." - Calvin, "Calvin & Hobbes" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hardcore Posted April 5 Report Share Posted April 5 Comic strip....------------------Next. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~surreal~ Posted April 5 Report Share Posted April 5 Thanx for the "Girl Power" joke gumby. ------------------ "I try to make everyone's life a little more ." - Calvin, "Calvin & Hobbes" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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