top ten reasons why you can´t get laid

[tastey]

saw this on another board posted by a woman, and she´s totally right IMO!

"I am SICK of reading the CL posts by guys complaining that they can’t get laid in SF or the greater Bay Area. Puh-leeze, get a life! I am a vibrant heterosexual female with a healthy sex drive like most of the women in this area. I have a great social life with smart, confident, funny, and sexy men in the area. But you whiny, misogynistic crybabies who lament here just make me puke.

Guys, if your real-life attitude is anything like the sampling of freakish, retarded, or just plain GROSS posts that bombard the “Casual Encountersâ€, “Missed Connections†or “Men Seeking Women†boards, women will run from you SCREAMING in horror. And, in case you are so thickheaded that you can’t understand WHY they’re running, here are my favorite reasons for why I don’t put out for losers like you:

TOP TEN REASONS WHY YOU CAN’T GET LAID (OR, NO NOOKIE FOR YOU, ASSHOLE!):

10. YOU’RE LAZY. You’d rather sit on your ass in front of the computer or television than actually go out and try to meet someone. You expect women to magically appear at your door the moment you get a hard-on. You want sex, but you don’t want to work for it. You don’t even want to have to change clothes after you fuck. Get off your ass if you want things to change or shut the hell up.

9. YOUR STANDARDS AND EXPECTATIONS ARE RIDICULOUS. You want to fuck a porn starlet or sex goddess, not a real woman. You expect us to have a perfect body and always be ready to fuck. Your ideal woman is some ridiculous image that the media and porn industry has brainwashed you to believe is desirable. You think of women in terms of parts, not the whole. You forget that there’s a human being there. How can we possibly want to make love to you when you don’t even think of us as person? The sad truth is, you’re so horny you’d probably fuck anything in a skirt. But because you don’t have the brainpower to think for yourself, you don’t recognize a real woman when she’s RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. Helloooooooooo? Anybody in there?

8. YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE GRACEFULLY. We expect you to make the first move: to ask us out, to kiss us, to make a pass, and to initiate sex. Right or wrong, you’ve got to deal with it. If you’re not getting any, you haven’t finessed the art of the gentle come-on. We can’t read your minds so don’t expect us to appear at your door ready for sex. And lose those lame come-on lines. They never work. Do you really think that any self-respecting woman reading an ad that basically says, “Let me fuck you and toss you aside†would pick you? Get real.

7. YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO PACKAGE YOURSELF. Face it, first impressions are made within the first 30 second of visual contact. If you don’t make yourself appealing to the opposite sex, why the hell should we fuck you? You don’t dress well and your hygiene leaves much to be desired. We spend HOURS making ourselves look beautiful. You show up for a date sweaty from basketball practice, unshaven, wearing a wrinkled T-shirt, torn jeans, and want to jump right into the sack. I don’t think so, stud. When’s the last time you took a BATH, beefcakes?

6. YOU ARE BORING, BORING, BORING! You have nothing interesting to say besides “Let’s fuck.†You forget that the sexiest organ in the whole human body is the brain. You talk about yourself and don’t ask anything about us. Do you think we really want to hear how good your golf game is? Honey, we’re just being polite while we mentally think “Next!†Broaden your horizons, babe. The sexiest men I have ever known stimulated my mind as well as my body. Read something besides Sports Illustrated, for Chrissakes.

5. YOU HAVE NO PATIENCE. You expect a woman to leap into the sack with you immediately, on the first date. You are a child of the internet age, expect instant gratification, and have the attention span of a millisecond. You do not understand that planning, perseverance and persistence are what lead to success. It takes time to build up passion, and you have no patience. Good things come to those who wait. If you want instant gratification, call a hooker or pop a porn video in the VCR and make friends with your right hand. But don't blame us if you can only come and go in less than a minute.

4. YOU’RE NOT NICE. You don’t treat women with respect. You’re a closet misogynist or psychopath bent on hurting us. You expect every woman to spread her legs wide open for you. You don’t want to know us, not really. You just want to fuck us and discard us. You won’t call us afterwards, even though you say you will. You forget we have feelings. You’re mean, selfish, crazy, vain, or just fucking NUTS. Get lost, loser.

3. YOU DON’T LISTEN TO US AT ALL. You are psychologically incapable of understanding the word “Noâ€. You don’t hear us when we tell you our hopes and dreams. You stare at our cleavage when we tell you about our lives. You don’t pay attention to us when we are trying to tell you something important, something that might actually get you extra points in the relationship game. You don’t listen when we say we love you and need you. And you wonder why we ignore you when you try to hit on us? Get a clue.

2. YOU HAVE NO CLUE HOW TO PLEASE A WOMAN IN BED. You SAY you love to give oral sex, and that a woman’s pleasure matters most to you, but your actions show you only want to “stick and move.†Ladies, how many times have you heard men say that they love oral sex only to have a guy make a drive by lick before he penetrates? Guys, we know the truth about you. We tell our girlfriends everything. Word about you is already on the street and spreading fast. Feel paranoid? You should. Our network is bigger than the internet.

And the number one reason why you can't get laid:

1. YOU JUST DON’T GET IT. You haven’t a clue. You don’t understand women and don’t even want to try. You’d rather be bitter, misogynistic, lazy, sloppy, smelly, frustrated, selfish, mean, vain, crazy or just plain stupid than make an honest-to-God, real-live attempt to connect with the opposite sex. Enjoy your porn movies because that’s the only naked woman you are ever going to see."

[guest00901]

Originally posted by tastey

saw this on another board posted by a woman, and she´s totally right IMO!

"I am SICK of reading the CL posts by guys complaining that they can’t get laid in SF or the greater Bay Area. Puh-leeze, get a life! I am a vibrant heterosexual female with a healthy sex drive like most of the women in this area. I have a great social life with smart, confident, funny, and sexy men in the area. But you whiny, misogynistic crybabies who lament here just make me puke.

Guys, if your real-life attitude is anything like the sampling of freakish, retarded, or just plain GROSS posts that bombard the “Casual Encountersâ€, “Missed Connections†or “Men Seeking Women†boards, women will run from you SCREAMING in horror. And, in case you are so thickheaded that you can’t understand WHY they’re running, here are my favorite reasons for why I don’t put out for losers like you:

TOP TEN REASONS WHY YOU CAN’T GET LAID (OR, NO NOOKIE FOR YOU, ASSHOLE!):

10. YOU’RE LAZY. You’d rather sit on your ass in front of the computer or television than actually go out and try to meet someone. You expect women to magically appear at your door the moment you get a hard-on. You want sex, but you don’t want to work for it. You don’t even want to have to change clothes after you fuck. Get off your ass if you want things to change or shut the hell up.

9. YOUR STANDARDS AND EXPECTATIONS ARE RIDICULOUS. You want to fuck a porn starlet or sex goddess, not a real woman. You expect us to have a perfect body and always be ready to fuck. Your ideal woman is some ridiculous image that the media and porn industry has brainwashed you to believe is desirable. You think of women in terms of parts, not the whole. You forget that there’s a human being there. How can we possibly want to make love to you when you don’t even think of us as person? The sad truth is, you’re so horny you’d probably fuck anything in a skirt. But because you don’t have the brainpower to think for yourself, you don’t recognize a real woman when she’s RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. Helloooooooooo? Anybody in there?

8. YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE GRACEFULLY. We expect you to make the first move: to ask us out, to kiss us, to make a pass, and to initiate sex. Right or wrong, you’ve got to deal with it. If you’re not getting any, you haven’t finessed the art of the gentle come-on. We can’t read your minds so don’t expect us to appear at your door ready for sex. And lose those lame come-on lines. They never work. Do you really think that any self-respecting woman reading an ad that basically says, “Let me fuck you and toss you aside†would pick you? Get real.

7. YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO PACKAGE YOURSELF. Face it, first impressions are made within the first 30 second of visual contact. If you don’t make yourself appealing to the opposite sex, why the hell should we fuck you? You don’t dress well and your hygiene leaves much to be desired. We spend HOURS making ourselves look beautiful. You show up for a date sweaty from basketball practice, unshaven, wearing a wrinkled T-shirt, torn jeans, and want to jump right into the sack. I don’t think so, stud. When’s the last time you took a BATH, beefcakes?

6. YOU ARE BORING, BORING, BORING! You have nothing interesting to say besides “Let’s fuck.†You forget that the sexiest organ in the whole human body is the brain. You talk about yourself and don’t ask anything about us. Do you think we really want to hear how good your golf game is? Honey, we’re just being polite while we mentally think “Next!†Broaden your horizons, babe. The sexiest men I have ever known stimulated my mind as well as my body. Read something besides Sports Illustrated, for Chrissakes.

5. YOU HAVE NO PATIENCE. You expect a woman to leap into the sack with you immediately, on the first date. You are a child of the internet age, expect instant gratification, and have the attention span of a millisecond. You do not understand that planning, perseverance and persistence are what lead to success. It takes time to build up passion, and you have no patience. Good things come to those who wait. If you want instant gratification, call a hooker or pop a porn video in the VCR and make friends with your right hand. But don't blame us if you can only come and go in less than a minute.

4. YOU’RE NOT NICE. You don’t treat women with respect. You’re a closet misogynist or psychopath bent on hurting us. You expect every woman to spread her legs wide open for you. You don’t want to know us, not really. You just want to fuck us and discard us. You won’t call us afterwards, even though you say you will. You forget we have feelings. You’re mean, selfish, crazy, vain, or just fucking NUTS. Get lost, loser.

3. YOU DON’T LISTEN TO US AT ALL. You are psychologically incapable of understanding the word “Noâ€. You don’t hear us when we tell you our hopes and dreams. You stare at our cleavage when we tell you about our lives. You don’t pay attention to us when we are trying to tell you something important, something that might actually get you extra points in the relationship game. You don’t listen when we say we love you and need you. And you wonder why we ignore you when you try to hit on us? Get a clue.

2. YOU HAVE NO CLUE HOW TO PLEASE A WOMAN IN BED. You SAY you love to give oral sex, and that a woman’s pleasure matters most to you, but your actions show you only want to “stick and move.†Ladies, how many times have you heard men say that they love oral sex only to have a guy make a drive by lick before he penetrates? Guys, we know the truth about you. We tell our girlfriends everything. Word about you is already on the street and spreading fast. Feel paranoid? You should. Our network is bigger than the internet.

And the number one reason why you can't get laid:

1. YOU JUST DON’T GET IT. You haven’t a clue. You don’t understand women and don’t even want to try. You’d rather be bitter, misogynistic, lazy, sloppy, smelly, frustrated, selfish, mean, vain, crazy or just plain stupid than make an honest-to-God, real-live attempt to connect with the opposite sex. Enjoy your porn movies because that’s the only naked woman you are ever going to see."

[Evan]

U forgot (from a woman's point of view):

11.) YOU ARE ARE NOT A DRUG DEALER OR CAN'T GET US DRUGS. Let's face it. We want to get fucked up. Especially if you are ugly or boring, we want to be able to deal with it by getting high enough that we don't care who we are hanging out with.

12.) YOU HAVE NOT SPENT ENOUGH MONEY ON US. We don't want no cheap motherfuckers. We want you to spend enough money that it hurts. Also, when we are out with my friends, you better pay for them too. Hell, just give us your credit card.

13.) YOU EITHER HAVE A CRAPPY CAR OR NO CAR AT ALL. We don't want to around town where people can see us in a broken down Maxima. We don't care if your saving up money for a BMW. We are gonna go fuck the first guy in a Ferrari we see.

14.) OUR FRIENDS DON'T LIKE YOU. We listen to our friends. If one of them doesn't like anything about you, your history. It doesn't matter that they don't know you or that you have treated me like a princess. Your out of here.

15.) YOU TREAT US TOO NICELY. We want a bad boy. Someone that is gonna abuse us, and leave us in tears. If you treat us to nicely, we are gonna go back to our ex boyfriend even though we still have a restraining order against him.

Evan

[TheMrs]

Nice post

and nice reply

where will it go from here??????

[magellanmax]

Originally posted by Evan

U forgot:

15.) YOU TREAT US TOO NICELY. We want a bad boy. Someone that is gonna abuse us, and leave us in tears. If you treat us to nicely, we are gonna go back to our ex boyfriend even though we still have a restraining order against him.

Evan

Evan.. u forgot something when you posted this on the sex board....or maybe u didnt get the memo....I think they believe in sweet ass 'personalities' Being a bad boy is a definite nono

Damn ! I love the sex board

[tranzwhore]

11. ur ugly!

[magellanmax]

The short and sweet version

[tranzwhore]

Originally posted by magellanmax

The short and sweet version

short- yes....sweet - not really!

12. & u smell bad!

[dgmodel]

Originally posted by tastey

saw this on another board posted by a woman, and she´s totally right IMO!

lmao soooo true...

[Evan]

Top 10 reasons a woman is not gonna get laid:

1.) You have a penis

2.) You HAD a penis

3.) There is the smell of dead rats, wrapped in spoiled fish coming from under your skirt

4.) You have a mustache

5.) You weigh more than the guy.

6.) You have skid marks in your panties.

8.) There is some food stuck on your bush.

9.) There is a green fungus growing in certain areas of your body.

10.) Your clit is bigger than the guy's penis.

Evan

[magellanmax]

Thats some cold shit son....

[PCR]

I don't know....I think the only person not getting laid is that woman. I mean, she just sounds like she never met a nice guy or maybe she hates men - no matter how much they try to please her.

[cintron]

1. Know how to make you smile when you are down!

When will women realize that they don't live on the set of a romantic comedy? Unless making you smile involves me playing video games while you cook me a steak, you're in for a disappointment. You don't think guys ever feel "down?" The door swings both ways, bitch.

2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice.

What? Why the hell would I want to smell a woman's hair? It smells bad enough with all the sprays and perfume they use. Enough with the conditioners, sprays, and cream already; that shit makes my eyes water. What the hell is conditioner anyway?

3. Stick up for you, but still respects your independence.

Translation: bail you out when you fail at life, but never bring it up during conversations.

4. Give you the remote control during the game.

This one is inherently stupid because it implies that all guys like to watch "the game." Since I'd rather be shot in the chest with projectile diarrhea than watch "the game," I'll assume the author meant something worthy of watching, such as Ren & Stimpy, in which case you need to put the bitch down if she touches your remote.

5. Come up behind you and put his arms around you.

LAME. Who has time for this? Sounds like something out of a herpes commercial where some lady is rock climbing or doing something else which symbolizes her independence, then out of nowhere she blurts out "I HAVE HERPES." The music gets all serious and you hear a voice over "...there is no cure," cue inspirational music "but treatment is available." Then it cuts to a shot of the bitch on a beach and a guy runs up behind her and puts his arms around her. Good job dumbass, you're dating a skank with herpes.

6. Play with your hair.

Again with the hair? Women never play with the hair on my back, why the double standard?

7. His hands always find yours.

This is one of those things women read and say "AWW HOW ROMANTIC." I have news for you: holding hands is stupid. Women don't know the first thing about being romantic. Only lesbians hold hands anyway; allow me to explain. The only time it's acceptable to hold hands with anyone is if you're at a peace vigil. Guys don't go to peace vigils, period. If you do, you have to surrender your balls and get a sex transplant because you're a bitch; in either case, you're a woman, and when two women hold hands it can only lead to one thing as far as I'm concerned.

8. Be cute when he really wants something.

Bullshit. When I want something, I yell. If she can't hear me in the kitchen, sometimes I'll threaten beatings if I'm sober.

9. Offer you plenty of massages.

For your boobs maybe. I happen to have the uncanny ability to massage breasts. With my mouth.

10. Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork.

Let's face it: there are few things in this world more stupid than dancing. Except break dancing, which pirates and lumber jacks would agree is awesome. Other than that, dancing makes me envy cripples.

11. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually hurts.

See, this is what pisses me off about women: they expect special treatment at their discretion. They want equal rights, equal pay, and equal treatment for everything EXCEPT when it comes to shit like this, then they want you to "react cutely" instead of, say, putting them in a head lock and making them eat ants and/or spiders while you give them carpet burn. Why don't women react "cutely" when men hit them for a change? Oops, I forgot, that's domestic abuse.

12. Drive 5 hours just to see you for 1.

Any guy who would drive five hours just to see a chick for one is an asshole. If every guy drove around for five hours just to spend one with their girlfriend, we'd fill up the air with so much pollution that we'd all choke on the exhaust, get cancer, and then bake under the sun while our lungs rupture and we slowly die from internal bleeding.

13. Stare at you.

You stupid attention seeking whore, just buy the bitch a mirror, because apparently she thinks that you don't have anything better to do than to sit around and stare at her. If women ran the world, we'd still be searching for the wheel.

14. Call for no reason.

Oops, this one belongs on the list of "Twenty-six things women do that piss men off because they need to fill their otherwise vapid lives with something to make them feel like they have a purpose for existing as they eventually realize that they're pissing their youth away on stupid bullshit like fashion trends."

I can't go on, I'm going to go do something less painful like stick my dick in the oven.

[weyes]

there is too much outlandish and ridiculous shit in this thread for me to tackle (including how evan seems to have had a lot of trouble with his dates having had penises or deformed genitalia), and most of it was so long i didn't even read it. but i just had to repost this (even though i don't agree), 'cause i haven't had such a good laugh in a long time:

Let's face it: there are few things in this world more stupid than dancing. Except break dancing, which pirates and lumber jacks would agree is awesome. Other than that, dancing makes me envy cripples.

x 1,000,000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[dgmodel]

:laugh:

[JonStephen]

Originally posted by Evan

U forgot (from a woman's point of view):

11.) YOU ARE ARE NOT A DRUG DEALER OR CAN'T GET US DRUGS. Let's face it. We want to get fucked up. Especially if you are ugly or boring, we want to be able to deal with it by getting high enough that we don't care who we are hanging out with.

12.) YOU HAVE NOT SPENT ENOUGH MONEY ON US. We don't want no cheap motherfuckers. We want you to spend enough money that it hurts. Also, when we are out with my friends, you better pay for them too. Hell, just give us your credit card.

13.) YOU EITHER HAVE A CRAPPY CAR OR NO CAR AT ALL. We don't want to around town where people can see us in a broken down Maxima. We don't care if your saving up money for a BMW. We are gonna go fuck the first guy in a Ferrari we see.

14.) OUR FRIENDS DON'T LIKE YOU. We listen to our friends. If one of them doesn't like anything about you, your history. It doesn't matter that they don't know you or that you have treated me like a princess. Your out of here.

15.) YOU TREAT US TOO NICELY. We want a bad boy. Someone that is gonna abuse us, and leave us in tears. If you treat us to nicely, we are gonna go back to our ex boyfriend even though we still have a restraining order against him.

Evan

:laugh:

[Evan]

Why are there no girls posting responses? COuld it be that they know I am right?

Evan

[tastyt]

Originally posted by Evan

Why are there no girls posting responses? COuld it be that they know I am right?

Evan

Umm, no. I scripted a response... but then decided to be nice and didn't post it. Hey, if that bitterness keeps you warm at night- by all means, continue to believe it!

[Evan]

since when were u to scared to share your opinion. C'mon. Let the chauvenistic pigs like me have it!

hehehe

Evan

[wideskies]

Originally posted by tastyt

Umm, no. I scripted a response... but then decided to be nice and didn't post it. If that bitterness keeps you warm at night- by all means, continue to believe it!

^-- :]

[tastyt]

Originally posted by Evan

since when were u to scared to share your opinion. C'mon. Let the chauvenistic pigs like me have it!

hehehe

Evan

I wasn't, and still am not, in the mood to get into silly boys vs girls drama.

[rackham]

Originally posted by Evan

since when were u to scared to share your opinion. C'mon. Let the chauvenistic pigs like me have it!

hehehe

Evan

Dude... please don't tell me you're trying to argue with a woman about what women want.

[tastyt]

Originally posted by wideskies

^-- :]

Hey girlie!

[Evan]

Not trying to argue. just want to see what they ADMIT to.

Evan

[rackham]

Originally posted by Evan

Not trying to argue. just want to see what they ADMIT to.

Evan

Right... so if they don't admit it, they're liars?