how do you constructively tell someone...?

[deanna11]

...things they would never want to hear but they need more than anything to hear? what i'm thinking, and smelling, in particular right now is my roommate's stench. it's a cross between BO and Ramen noodles. don't ask me why. i think it's because she eats a lot of spices and has dreads. oh, and she doesn't shower very often and to my knowledge has never washed her bedsheets. dirty girl. the other issue is why no one really likes her and she has no friends. we conclude this is because of some character flaws. (i'm going to hell for this.) although it is hard to change a personality, there are definitely some things that she could make an effort at to make herself more likeable. and i KNOW she wants friends because she's always going at me like i'm her best one.

so seriously, should i, and how would i, tell her these things? if someone told her these things years ago, i truly believe she'd be a happier person.

i don't think i'm above criticism. my other two roommates and i are tight, and we long ago told each other to just say if there was something wrong with any of us. so we'll hear from each other the occasional, constructive "take a shower; you smell like shit," "shut up, you're stupid," "you can't get ass because you're a fat ho," etc. but none of us are close enough to my roommate to tell her these things as bluntly as we do each other

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FOR SALE: ROOMMATE. CHEAP

[sariman]

So do you and your roommate talk about your days and how things went?

If so then use it as a background. Use your day as the catalist for a story. In the story you happen upon people with the types of character and/or cleanliness flaws that your roommate posses. These flaws always lead you to think strange things or cause you to do things during your "fictisious" day that you normally wouldn't do... in other words making you ill-judge the person and/or be uncomfortable around them.

Since you just sharing you day you aren't being blut to her about anything. Unless she's a half-wit she should be able to draw similarites between the people you create in your day and herself.

In order to keep her from lashing out and siding with the outcasted character. You could subsquently tell her something the person did to change one of her flaws and there-by creating a better environment and making you (in your fictisious story) more comfortable.

If you don't talk about your day then you just S.O.L.

Sorry.

//sariman

Unless

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P eace

L ove

U nity

R espect

"Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today!" -- James Dean

[djmikedr]

Start off a private conversation with "is there anything I can help you with?"

Tell her that you and your other friends evaluate each other and every so often you sit down and say things that "might" come off differently to others then we intend.

Now is 'you and her' time.

See how she responds.

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Use email DJmikeDR@aol.com

PM way too slow!

[deanna11]

Originally posted by sariman:

So do you and your roommate talk about your days and how things went?

If so then use it as a background. Use your day as the catalist for a story. In the story you happen upon people with the types of character and/or cleanliness flaws that your roommate posses. These flaws always lead you to think strange things or cause you to do things during your "fictisious" day that you normally wouldn't do... in other words making you ill-judge the person and/or be uncomfortable around them.

Since you just sharing you day you aren't being blut to her about anything. Unless she's a half-wit she should be able to draw similarites between the people you create in your day and herself.

In order to keep her from lashing out and siding with the outcasted character. You could subsquently tell her something the person did to change one of her flaws and there-by creating a better environment and making you (in your fictisious story) more comfortable.

If you don't talk about your day then you just S.O.L.

Sorry.

//sariman

Unless

sariman, we don't talk about each other's day. well, she does and i ignore her and talk to her as little as possible. your idea would be the solution for most people, but i think my roommate here is a special case. she doesn't pick up on anything subtle or diplomatic. a friend of mine, who used to be friends with her, once said a conversation with her is "her just talking" because she doesn't hear other people

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FOR SALE: ROOMMATE. CHEAP

[sariman]

If that's the case then you can't do her any good because no mater how blunt you are she still isn't going to listen. She has to be told by someone she values the opinions of. And when people are outcast they don't tend to value anyones oppinions.

Perhaps if she liked a guy a WHOLE lot and she asked your advice on what she could do to get noticed by him... that would be another inroad. But, she's probably so far gone that she's going to have to be hurt by people a few times or be denyed some dream before she realizes anything is wrong.

So you best beat. Hit the bitch with a 2x4! Then bring over 4 or 5 of your friends to do the same....

JUST KIDDING!!! Damn I should have put that disclamer at the top.

//sariman

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P eace

L ove

U nity

R espect

"Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today!" -- James Dean

[nickijay]

wow, I feel your pain. I'm not loving my roommates right now either. One of mine has a stinky room. She leaves her door open and when you walk by it you can smell a greasy hair smell or something....and my other roommater is just so unhappy and won't talk to me anymore b/c I don't hang out with her. We should trade. I'll move in with you guys and your stinky can move in with mine, ha ha!! You're in a tough position if she's one of those people who talks just to hear the sound of her own voice!!! At this point I'd just tell her she smells and say you're not saying it to hurt her feelings but if you smell it then other people must too and you don't want her walking around reeking....she prob. doesn't give a shit though. Some people don't. Maybe you could tell her (in a diplomatic way) that if she can't remain odor free she should maybe look for another place to live since there are two people that are offended by it in the apt.....I know, I'm no help. This situation literally stinks!!

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Boink like a bunny!!!

[deanna11]

apotheosis, i think she'd think i was trying to come on to her!

sariman, my friends and i can't find enough 2x4's in the city

uknjx2, she must care how she smells because she is constantly buying scented sprays and soaps, etc. doesn't cover much up though.

i tried to get a friend who wants to move into her place here to tell my roommate to get out. but she never would because she loves being around people and has no others to annoy

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FOR SALE: ROOMMATE. CHEAP

[mattyparsons]

here's what you do-

people today value honesty....

so just walk over to her, smack her upside her shit-lock.....i mean dreadlocked hair and say in a loud, angry tone-

"bitch, you smell and you loud"

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there's no time like the present to start procrastinating!

[DollaBill]

Ask her if she knows karate? and when she says no, why? Say because your odor is kickin like Van DAAAAAAAAAAAME!

Works for me all the time.

[furnace]

Grooooaaaaannnn...

Sounds like David Spade joined the board...

Deanna - Are you in school? Did they place you with this roomate? I'm wondering how you found her in the first place.

How long till your lease is up?

Maybe you should buy some Glade plug-ins and when she asks what they are for, just say something is coming from her room...she'll get the message even if she ain't too bright.

-Furn

[sharonregina]

hey deanna-

keep in mind, just because you don't consider her a friend, doesn't mean she doesn't consider you one.

i have a co-worker who has some character flaws and talks a WHOLE lot (yes, i wish to start an auction too, she's for free- just bring a truck) and when you are coming to work cracked out on a saturday morning the last thing you want to hear is someone bitching about . . . everything(?). anyways, like i said, she feels she can say anything, so i do to.

for instance, she was once bitching about something and i said, "well listen, i'm only saying this because i have a lot of respect for you, you are the type of person who . . . so you have to expect that or take it easy."

key of the story is: it will probably boost her ego that you even cared to say something, a sign that you are really being a friend.

good luck chica!

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"I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it." -voltaire

[deanna11]

Originally posted by mattyparsons:

here's what you do-

people today value honesty....

so just walk over to her, smack her upside her shit-lock.....i mean dreadlocked hair and say in a loud, angry tone-

"bitch, you smell and you loud"

HAHAHAHAHA! Matty, you crack me up

Originally posted by furnace:

Grooooaaaaannnn...

Sounds like David Spade joined the board...

Deanna - Are you in school? Did they place you with this roomate? I'm wondering how you found her in the first place.

How long till your lease is up?

Maybe you should buy some Glade plug-ins and when she asks what they are for, just say something is coming from her room...she'll get the message even if she ain't too bright.

-Furn

Furnace, yeah, i'm in school. and my roommate and i have the same bedroom. so when i'm sitting at my computer and she's asleep, i can smell her. i actually chose to be with her because when i knew her last year, we weren't close at all. i thought our not being close and deciding to room together meant we'd do our own thing and leave each other alone for the most part. i guess her thinking was that we'd become closer, hang out all the time, and share everything. just gotta know a person's intentions, i suppose...

Originally posted by sharonregina:

hey deanna-

keep in mind, just because you don't consider her a friend, doesn't mean she doesn't consider you one.

i have a co-worker who has some character flaws and talks a WHOLE lot (yes, i wish to start an auction too, she's for free- just bring a truck) and when you are coming to work cracked out on a saturday morning the last thing you want to hear is someone bitching about . . . everything(?). anyways, like i said, she feels she can say anything, so i do to.

for instance, she was once bitching about something and i said, "well listen, i'm only saying this because i have a lot of respect for you, you are the type of person who . . . so you have to expect that or take it easy."

key of the story is: it will probably boost her ego that you even cared to say something, a sign that you are really being a friend.

good luck chica!

sharonregina, what you say is so true and great advice. my roommate is not my friend in any respect that i consider a friend. i'm one of the very few people she knows, so i feel bad for her a little. giving her advice as a friend would be great because she really needs both (advice and friends). but there are a couple things that make me hesitate... for one, she does NOT need her ego boosted. she has a surprisingly high estimation of herself (considers herself great-looking, smart, talented, able). similarly, she doesn't seem to know she has no friends, and doesn't try to make any. i think it's great for people to be entirely satisfied with themselves, but it's annoying to have to witness and live with someone who you think has some core character flaws and they think they're wonderful and want to share their wonderful-ness with you. the other thing is, what i want to tell her is criticism of her personality and state of existence. i'm sure no one wants to hear that there are some really great reasons why they have no friends

but you're right; i can probably figure out some way to diplomatically tell her to shut the hell up, leave me alone, and shower

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FOR SALE: ROOMMATE. CHEAP