dgmodel Posted January 2 Report Share Posted January 2 Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dgmodel Posted January 2 Author Report Share Posted January 2 ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stymie Posted January 2 Report Share Posted January 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stymie Posted January 2 Report Share Posted January 2 fuck you chuck norris! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SlickSlider Posted January 2 Report Share Posted January 2 ^ I should make Chuck's list my New Year resolutions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lolahotass Posted January 2 Report Share Posted January 2 dude, chuck norris rules.Watch a little flick called "lone wolf mccade" and get back to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
misk Posted January 2 Report Share Posted January 2 lmao......and by sweaters i mean babies... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dgmodel Posted January 2 Author Report Share Posted January 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
howienewport Posted January 2 Report Share Posted January 2 :laugh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oldtimer Posted January 3 Report Share Posted January 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oldtimer Posted January 3 Report Share Posted January 3 THEY CALL HIM CHUCK. CHUCK F$#%IN' NORRIS!Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".Chuck Norris had his own version of Punk'd. Only in his version, he would walk around and roundhouse kick people in the throats.At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate an effin' Indian.All women love Chuck Norris because the mere thought of his beard creates an explosion of desire and passion in their vaginas.The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.Chuck Norris disguised himself as a snake and fed Eve the apple in the garden of Eden so there would be evil in the world that he could fight.It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dgmodel Posted January 3 Author Report Share Posted January 3 LMAO~! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phatman Posted January 3 Report Share Posted January 3 ...wow...:laugh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dgmodel Posted January 3 Author Report Share Posted January 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dgmodel Posted January 3 Author Report Share Posted January 3 now this is great...http://www.november.org/thewall/cases/jones-sh/jones-sh.html Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reeni Posted January 3 Report Share Posted January 3 To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SlickSlider Posted January 3 Report Share Posted January 3 now this is great...http://www.november.org/thewall/cases/jones-sh/jones-sh.htmlJesus. That sucks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dgmodel Posted January 3 Author Report Share Posted January 3 word. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iamme Posted January 3 Report Share Posted January 3 To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. :laugh:i still hate chuck though Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xlr8ted Posted January 3 Report Share Posted January 3 1. If you look in a mirror and say "Chuck Norris" three times, he will >appear and kill your entire family... but at least you get to see Chuck >Norris.>>2. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.>>*3. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.>>4. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are >trademarked names for his left and right legs.>>*5. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.>>*6. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck >Norris you may be only seconds away from death.>>7. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the >JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his >beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.>>8. Chuck Norris challenged a statue to a staring contest. Chuck remains >undefeated.>>9. Chuck Norris sold his ! soul to the devil for his rugged good looks >and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction >was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took >his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and >admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every >second Wednesday of the month.>>10. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, >"Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his >name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing >this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.>>11. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet >for Chuck Norris.>>12. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for >handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot >belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.>>13. Chuck Norris does not hunt because th! e word hunting infers the >probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.>>14. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and >includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck >Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.>>15. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the >first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.>>16. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.>>17. Heart disease may be the new leading cause of death in women age 45 >to 65, but Chuck Norris is still the leading cause of death in men age >0 to 125.>>*18. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with >ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.>>19. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks >aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by >historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.>>*20. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck >could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE >YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. >Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't >fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony >of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile >radius of the blast went deaf.>>21. Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never >his own.>>22. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck >Norris>>23. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two >seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse >kicks you in the face.>>24. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought >a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.>Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had >gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse k! icked the animal, breaking its >neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.>>25. There's no such thing as a tornado. Chuck Norris just hates trailer >parks.>>26. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and >saying "booya".>>27. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a >spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the >earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature >of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a >meteor, and still owes him a beer.>>28. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris >has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood >and tears.>>29. Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.>>30. Chuck Norris' beard is coarser than 40-grit sandpaper. He >occasionally uses it to buff out rust bubbles on his 1974 Ford >Econoline>>31. Rather than being birthed li! ke a normal child, Chuck Norris >instead decided to punch his way out of his mothers womb.>>32. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.>>33. Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.>>34. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck >Norris allows to live.>>35. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World >Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and >those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.>>36. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris >could use to kill you, including the room itself.>>37. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game >of tennis>>38. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.>>39. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, >and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.>>*40. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children >who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck >Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and >roundhouse kicks them in the face.> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dgmodel Posted January 3 Author Report Share Posted January 3 LMAO~! x2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dgmodel Posted January 20 Author Report Share Posted January 20 http://www.collegehumor.com/movies/1652620/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phatman Posted January 20 Report Share Posted January 20 ...after that show, chuck norris killed tony danza with a roundhouse kick to the head.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lolahotass Posted January 20 Report Share Posted January 20 oldtimer that was hysterical!!!!!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lolahotass Posted January 20 Report Share Posted January 20 just read xlr8ted's :laugh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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