Yet another MUG dilema..(need ex-gf relationship advise!) off topic~

[mugwump]

All right..

so some of you might remember my break up with my ex-g/f

and perhaps even seen me completely shit faced at several events making an ass out of myself when I hit rock bottom..

But us MUGWUMPS bounce back pretty fast!

(Thanks to a certain kind soul from the boards that has boosted my ego back to original mug status)

My ex and I,however, are going through the worst part of it.

After our break up she was going to find a place and move out..

(since we've lived together for almost five years it's a slow and painful seperation)

However she's having a hell of a time finding a place that acepts dogs.

During the last couple weeks I even let her stay in the house (Which I pay most of the rent of any way)

and I've slept on the couch..

I've been kind and understanding since I know that It is hard on her too..

HOWEVER..

A week ago I discovered that she had been SLEEPING with one of my best friends best friends!

Putting my friend in the middle of a horrible situation..

He hid it from me and even went as far as to re route me from hanging out with him and this ass hole called VINCE

because she was there!

I even found out that after returning from a trip to Italy with her they all hung out and apperantly a romance or atraction had been growing between them..

Now I wont play the angel and tell you that I never hooked up with anyone BEFORE our break up..

But I NEVER would have FUCKED ANY ONE THAT WAS A BEST FRIEND OF HER CLOSEST FRIENDS!

What was she thinking?

I kicked her out of the apt and prety much cut off any ties with her..

the only problem is that I'll have to be sharing Jenny, our dog, with her.

And I'll have to EVENTUALY run into her face to face.

What should I do?

I am terribly hurt and pissed off at my buddy from witholding this information from me..

(not to mention that I had planed a Birthday party for her with DJs which SHE EVEN PLANED TO INVITE VINCE TO!)

I wanted so much to stay friends..

in each other's lives..

but now I am hurt, disgusted and I feel USED!

AM I WRONG TO FEEL THIS WAY?

What would you do?

[jght7]

no you're not wrong for feeling that way.......i know i would of been really pissed not only at her but at your buddy even more. how can he be a 'friend' and hide something like that from you. that's really messed up...

[snoozi8]

it's a shame in that situation purely because it's hard to respect someone enough to be friends after something like that...never mind what one of your guy friends did to you.......you have every right to feel angry and upset and any other emotion that exists...

well, I'll tell you one thing, I highly respect you for being such a great person to let her stay in the apartment....and sleeping on the couch....what a guy, I commend you.....

I don't know...after finding that out I would throw all her stuff out the window...keep the dog and sue for custody, and never speak to those guys again lol

all the luck and energy to you in dealing with this......

when you need to vent ---dance xxoo

[Xpander]

No worries mate...

It was great of you to let her say and all. But I don't know about the whole kicking out thing.

Then again, I don't know much. Sorry I couldn't help much, but I'd suggest that you forget about her. There's no point for you to linger over it.

[acura]

Damn, I just got dumped on IM and i thought that was rough....................

[SPYGIRL3]

Originally posted by legend38

Damn, I just got dumped on IM and i thought that was rough....................

Ouch, that had to hurt.....

Mugz, you should be upset. Except you can't just be mad at her, it does take 2 to tango.....

I think you've been more than fair and understanding, it sucks when people use you

[court877]

Omg, You have every right to be pissed, ESPECIALLY at your friend, thats not a way to treat someone who you consider a close friend. He shoulda looked somewhere else for a girl... but if it had to happen with her he shoulda confronted you about it...thats messed up for both of them to do

and if a guy did that to me I would have DEF through him out

[guccigrlnyc]

I was in a similiar situation and i was better off with both of them, he is not a good friend for even thinking of crossing the line of hooking up with your girlfriend, and she is just a whore/bitch who doesn't deserve you, besides you shouldn't waste your time together if she has thought of being with or wants to be with other people, save yourself the time and hassle and just get rid of them both MOVE ON and find someone who will respecct you and treat you better I hate cheaters, my ex that i really cared about cheated on me it is the worst feeling in the world so lemme tell you I DO feel your pain but it gets better with time and you realize its their loss not mine!

[laurensomers]

Walk completely away (even though it will probably be the hardest thing ever) and never look back.... That is completely fucked up.

Just make sure you understand how your actions caused the relationship to diminish... Focus on yourself, try to understand why you do the things you do, work out your problems that you may have and look ahead....

BE STRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!

[nightgroover]

Hi Mgwump:

1.I think she slept with that guy because she needed a change, which I think is pretty normal after such a long relationship (self experience). She should have taken someone further away from you (or been more considerate, as you have been like that), but ya cant do anything about that.

2. Talk to your friend, because you have to consider that he has been in a pretty tricky situation if his friend told him not to tell anyone. Otherwise if everyone knew: FORGET ABOUT HIM, HE AINT NO FRIEND!

Hope it helps

[geniuspro]

Think of it this way: To me it sounded like you were having trouble reconciling the fact that you were really broken up. This way it makes it clear that not only is she definitely not the girl for you, but now you won't have any second thoughts about whether breaking up with her was the right thing to do.

[barvybe]

Originally posted by nightgroover

Hi Mgwump:

2. Talk to your friend, because you have to consider that he has been in a pretty tricky situation if his friend told him not to tell anyone. Otherwise if everyone knew: FORGET ABOUT HIM, HE AINT NO FRIEND!

Hope it helps

Hey buddy, glad that someone got around to pointing this out. As you pointed out yourself, your best friend was put in a really tricky situation. If i were he, i probably wouldn't have told you either but would have been working on my other best friend to break it off / tell you himself.

As for the shityness of the whole thing, long relationships often break ugly. I also think she probably was just needing a change or maybe even reaffirmation that it was right being with you. While that sucks and is cheating, i know that often it leads to being back and stronger with the one your with. That didn't happen here, and she used really bad judgement in who she chose to sleep with obviously.

Don't even think about friendship for now. It sounds really good, but is pretty impossible until you've established some distance and new stuff in your life that she isn't a part of. Lots of experience on this one. Just had dinner with my ex tonight and determined that 6 months isn't really long enough even though we both love each other and really want that friendship.

oh yeah, one more thing: all this stuff happens for good reasons - better that its over now then you had limped along for another year or two and then had it end. don't diminish what you had, but now you are free to fly again, find other experiences, and grow in new directions.

catch u on the dance floor this weekend

[mugwump]

Again..

Thanks for all the great feedback guys..

It's often fortunate (though in some ways sad) that I get some of the best in advise from total strangers..

And yet with some of you I feel as If I already know you all too well from reading you every week..

In any case..

It's still hard for me to let go..

there are still so many things I never told her..

How I know it's my fault things fell apart..

How I know I was only keeping her "tied down" when she wasn't happy..

I tried to give her everything I was..

But in the end it wasn't good enough.

and I watched her drift away from me..

(and she was too young..MY #1 MISTAKE!)

so I messed around (though not sexualy) to fill a void and she found out about it..

Though I think that isn't the main reason she left..

As for my friend..

I still need time to think about it..

he was there before her..

And perhaps he was only trying to protect my emotions..

BUT FUCK IT IF SHE DIDN'T HIT TOO CLOSE TO HOME!

(Not to mention that at the time she WAS in my home and sleeping on MY bed as I slept in the living room)

I think I'll need a million years to blast away all the memories with her..

of all the parties..

of all the shared moments on dance floors back in the day before Twilo..

I can tell you this much though..

(if I learned anything at all from this)

I'll never open myself up to anyone like this ever again!

I am every bit colder now..

and perhaps wiser..

IT JUST WASN'T WORTH IT IN THE END!

We could have been two beautifull friends that passed through time and shared a moment..

but it turned bitter..

and I HATE feeling used:(

[dgmodel]

Originally posted by mugwump

All right..

so some of you might remember my break up with my ex-g/f

and perhaps even seen me completely shit faced at several events making an ass out of myself when I hit rock bottom..

But us MUGWUMPS bounce back pretty fast!

(Thanks to a certain kind soul from the boards that has boosted my ego back to original mug status)

My ex and I,however, are going through the worst part of it.

After our break up she was going to find a place and move out..

(since we've lived together for almost five years it's a slow and painful seperation)

However she's having a hell of a time finding a place that acepts dogs.

During the last couple weeks I even let her stay in the house (Which I pay most of the rent of any way)

and I've slept on the couch..

I've been kind and understanding since I know that It is hard on her too..

HOWEVER..

A week ago I discovered that she had been SLEEPING with one of my best friends best friends!

Putting my friend in the middle of a horrible situation..

He hid it from me and even went as far as to re route me from hanging out with him and this ass hole called VINCE

because she was there!

I even found out that after returning from a trip to Italy with her they all hung out and apperantly a romance or atraction had been growing between them..

Now I wont play the angel and tell you that I never hooked up with anyone BEFORE our break up..

But I NEVER would have FUCKED ANY ONE THAT WAS A BEST FRIEND OF HER CLOSEST FRIENDS!

What was she thinking?

I kicked her out of the apt and prety much cut off any ties with her..

the only problem is that I'll have to be sharing Jenny, our dog, with her.

And I'll have to EVENTUALY run into her face to face.

What should I do?

I am terribly hurt and pissed off at my buddy from witholding this information from me..

(not to mention that I had planed a Birthday party for her with DJs which SHE EVEN PLANED TO INVITE VINCE TO!)

I wanted so much to stay friends..

in each other's lives..

but now I am hurt, disgusted and I feel USED!

AM I WRONG TO FEEL THIS WAY?

What would you do?

bro you just summed up my whole situation as well. I think we need to go out for drinks and grab the other guy atomic apples hes having a rough one too... I feel for you... <giving a pound, slapping on the back>

AND I just found out that even though its been a year after this all happend I just found out that my ex and my best friend still talk over the net, on the fon, via email... Now I have to confront him about it and I dont know what to say... It was hard enough the first time without busting his ass its gonna be even harder this time and Now Im speachless like WTF? WTF! WTF!!! WHAT THE FUCK is wrong with these people??? :mad:

[roxxy0131]

From personal experience, I too have had my boyfriend sleep with my best friend, but they both hid it from me for 2 years! I only found out when we broke up for other reasons and out of guilt and anger on his part. I was so hurt and to this day I havent' talked to that "friend" except once and then she knew that I could never forgive her. That was 5 years ago. As for the ex, the memories will always be there, they were'nt all bad times...so in the beginning it is hard to get over the fact of what bad things they have done to you, but after a while the good memories will come back. Not to say that you fogive them, but you are more objective and learn to deal with what has happened. For me it took me almost 6 months without seeing or talking to the ex. Then we tried the friendship thing...it just didn't work out. But I no longer hate him, but I don't like him either. A lot of other things happened between us that has made me feel this way about him, not just the cheating. He still calls occasionally and I have seen him because he is still friends with my brother, I am civil to him, but I let it be known that I have not forgotten what he has done. Good luck with everything...let time tell wether or not you can ever be friends with either, but give it plenty of time and give yourself time. Good luck!

[saigray]

The one point that seems to have been lost is Jenny!

It seems to me that your joint custody of Jenny is going to be a serious flaw in the "move on and forget her" scenerio that most ppl are suggesting. If you feel that you are the wronged party, you might want to demand full custody or at the very least have each stay be for long periods of time (3-4mths) rather then frequently. Otherwise, you are going to have these big piles of pooh sitting in the middle of every week, just waiting to send the sensitive Mugz into a emotional mudbath which could ruin many a pleasant afternoon.

[flavors]

hey mugs,

if it makes u feel any better - i went through a similar situation. One fine day about a year ago, I found out that my bf of 2 years whom I loved dearly has slept with my bestfriend and roomate in college of 4 yrs!!!!! and not just once either. and they had lied to my face for 2 fucking years about it. U can imagine my shock and disgust. It was one thing if he had slept with some strange girl, but to sleep with my bestfriend?????????? and the bestfriend, she turned out to be this evil bitch ( I never saw it before cuz I cared for her and only saw the good things). ANYWAYZ, so ofcourse I immediately dumped his ass and tried to kick her out of my dorm room (that's a whole other story). It was really painful because I loved both of them so much, and I wanted to be their friends still. But u have to do it, there's no point hanging on especially when u havent done anything wrong. If your x-gf really cares, she will come around and earn your forgiveness.

To end this story, I dont know what happened to my bestfriend, but my x-bf wrote to me a month or so ago wondering how I was. He realized the dick that he was and also how much fun we used to have together. We are now trying to be friends again. I dont know if that is smart - but time heals all wounds, so if it works great - if it doesnt - his loss.

[barvybe]

YO MUGZY!!!

You, lavender, atomicapples, dgmodel and anyone else coming out for drinks to-night?

had a pretty fucked up encounter with my ex last night. totally different break up scenario, but the shit still has me all fucked up. so much so that i walked home the 6 miles to my pad in brooklyn late at night.

its only 10am and i need a drink...

seriously, i am heading out with some cool people (think you've even met some at Roxy), so pm me. i'll try to post the location later, but likely to be LES somewhere around 9:30.

barvybe@hotmail or pm's...

[dgmodel]

I think apples and I are going to "Sugar" tonight... not sure yet though... keep me posted...

[shortspace]

Sorry to hear about your situation buddy. I think it's important to remember that both of you entered into the relationship with the best intentions, neither of you wanted to get hurt but things end up in a certain way regardless, that’s one of the shitholes of life. As for your friend, you have nothing to lose if you just tell him straight up how you feel and get it off your chest. Even though your reaction of being cold and bitter is completely normal and understandable, I think feeling that way is making a gloomy situation worse. The moment you find yourself smiling and laughing again will be a big step towards healing. Best wishes.

P.S. Oh yeah, she’s not good enough for the MugMiester anyway

[roxxy0131]

Flavors...I hear you! Although their insidence only happened once....they both lied for 2 years! I thought that we had a close relationship, guess not. No matter how many times my ex apoligized and said that he was a dick for what he did, I still never really forgave him. We were young, but to me that was no excuse. We were in love and always talked about getting married, had the close relationship with his family and he with mine. The whole deal. But now I am with someone who would never cheat and I am glad in the long run that we broke up otherwise I wouldn't be with the person I am with today...the best person in my life. Live and learn.

[phuturephunk]

Kick her to the curb and give her the dog.

[snoozi8]

MUGZ......I've been through the shittiest of all shittiest relationships, been hurt and like an idiot have gone back for more...............

Your remark about not opening up to anyone like that and being colder really struck me......

I've tried that route before to protect myself but when I start to care about someone I can't hide anything from them......My family would always say never to have regrets about a relationship....that you learned something from it so the same mistakes wouldn't happen the next time and you become a better person....or just more careful.........

I fear that you like many other guys I've met won't experience a beautiful, romantic, warm relationship because you'll hold wht happened at the front of your head.....

If you're not going to be in a committed relationship fine....just have fun.....but don't get into a relationship and hold back...it really sux for us nice girls

I only met you one night but I got the vibe you were a real sweetie

(don't give anyone the satisfaction that they changed you for the worse)

[mugwump]

Thanks again for all the wonderfull feedback..

At first I hesitating writing about this for the entire NY nightlife to read..

but then I figured "awe..what the hell..it helps to vent" (and I always have gotten multiple angles on a situation thanks to you guys..

To clarify a couple points on my story though;

My X slept with my best friend's best friend (she actualy didn't run off and sleep with MY best friend or I would have literaly lost my mind!)

What pissed me off was that he knew about it..

and that she did this so close to MY WORLD..

(how she never figured it would eventualy get back to me I'll never know..)

I understand that we aren't seeing each other and that she is FREE tosee any one she wishes to..

but what she didn'tthink about is how this would affect my respect for her once I found out because it put my friend and I in a TOTALY awekward position!

How can I ever feel comfortable hanging with him knowing that Vince will be there too..?

And POSSIBELY HER AS WELL?!

And as far as Jenny goes..

that's the toughest part.

I love her more than anything..she is my baby!

But I'll have to share her with someone that I feel nothing but bitterness for..

and as much as I want to feel like I'll just move along and find love and joy elsewhere I also think

that I'll be VEEERRRY carefull who I get involved with..

Certainley no one as young as she..

And I don't EVER want to feel so close to ANYONE ever again..

Because when you hit the bottom when your world collapses under you all they do is kick you when your down..

And that's a kind of pain Ive never fealt before!

[LavenderMenace]

OK. I've kept silent this long but I just have to contribute my dear abby skills to this thread. Here are some words of wisdom:

In nature, loss is an essential element of creation--the rose blossoms, the bud is lost; the plant sprouts, the seed is lost; the day begins, the night is lost. In all cases, loss sets the stage for further creation (or, more accurately, re-creation).

So it is in human life. It's hard to look back on any gain in life that does not have a loss attached to it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My life has fallen down around me before

--lots of times, for lots of reasons--

usually other people.

And most of the time I was fortunate enough

to have a large lump of that life hit me on the

head and render me numb to the pain & desolation

that followed. And I survived.

And I live to love again.

But this, this slow erosion from below

--or within-- it's me falling down around my life

because you're still in that life --but not really.

And you're out of that life --but not quite.

I do all right alone, and better together,

but I do very poorly when semi- together.

In solitude I do much, in love I do more,

but in doubt I only transfer pain to paper

in gigantic Passion Plays complete with miracles and martyrs

and crucifixions and resurrections.

Come to stay or stay away.

This series of passion poems

is becoming a heavy cross to bare.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the fear that I would come home one day and

find you gone has turned into the pain of the reality.

"What will I do if it happens?"

I would ask myself.

What will I do now that it has?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do I do now that you're gone?

Well, when there's nothing else going on,

which is quite often,

I sit in a corner and I cry until I am too numbed to feel.

Paralyzed, motionless for awhile,

nothing moving inside or out.

Then I think how much I miss you.

Then I feel fear pain loneliness desolation.

Then I cry until I am too numbed to feel.

Interesting pastime.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

the sun will rise in a few minutes.

it's been doing it --regularly-- for as long as I

can remember.

maybe I should pin my hopes on important,

but often unnoticed, certainties like that,

not on such relatively trivial matters as

whether you ever loved me or not

I must conquer my loneliness alone.

I must be happy with myself

or I have nothing to offer.

Two halves have little choice

but to join, and yes, they do make a whole.

but two wholes, when they coincide...

that is beauty.

that is love.

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The body, mind and emotions have enormous wisdom. They know how to heal themselves, and the amount of time they will need to do it. Give them what they need to heal. Trust in the process of recovery.

-----Melba Colgrove, Harold H. Bloomfield, Peter McWilliams

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;) ;) Know that you are loved and supported by many. And that you are needed.