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aboyfrombklyn

How Do You Ever Trust Him/Her Again???

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I know I've been complaining about my girl a lot lately, but I just can't help it. I'm in love. I've been trying to get over the fact that she has lied to me numerous times, but I just can't do it. She's lied to me so many times, I just don't know what to believe anymore. Every time I try walking away, I find myself turning right around again.

For anyone who doesn' t know, my girl has both a drug and alcohol problem, and that has caused her to lie to me about so many things. She never admitted to cheating, but since she lied to me about so many other things (what she does, who she hangs out with, where she goes), it's like I have to think that it's a very strong possibility. I know everything in life is possible, but there are just some things that really make me wonder (her actually doing drugs and drinking at her friends house with two guys at 4 in the morning, but telling me that she fell asleep watching a movie, she finally admitted it saying she didn't want me to know she was doing drugs, a possibility) We've been going to counseling, she goes to therapy for her addictions, I speak to a doctor at work, but it seems like none of it helps me get over her not being honest. Sometimes I wonder if I ever will.

I woke up a half hour ago thinking this was it, I'm going to break up with her today. But now I feel like I can't do it. I don't know what to do.

I know most people are going to tell me to leave her, and maybe I should, but isn't there any possibility of things getting better, her being honest (which she claims she is doing now), and us having a healthy relationship? I love her.

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My heart goes out to you but reality is this relationship may never be healthy again and as for the trust - it will take a long time to recover most of it, if ever and you will never regain what you had before things went awry.

I'm not saying you should break up with her but self-destructive people usually have to hit rock bottom and be completely alone before they can make a Real step by themselves for themselves. If she can not use your love and anyone else's in her circle to help her out of this, she probably never will.

You can love her from a distance but the closer you are to her the more you are at risk. The risk of getting hurt, the risk of going in circles, the risk of being jaded and displaced for when love comes around again the next time...

Tough call but in the end, leaving her may just be for her own good (not to mention your sanity).

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I agree with you 100%.

It's hard trusting her, especially when I'm 130 miles away from her M-F. I do know that I really want this to work. I've never felt this way toward anyone ever. Maybe I'm wrong and I have to get in touch with reality, but I can't see living my life without her (part of my codependency problem)

It's ironic how my brother went through a similar situation (in some ways very different, no drugs, but in others very much the same) two years ago, and I remember telling him that he should dump her ass and that she's not worth it. (my exact words "No one is worth ruining your life over") But now I find myself in his shoes. He's still getting over her. I know it hurts him sometimes. Some days he looks like he's happy, but I really think he's still struggling with the fact that he's no longer with her. Makes me wonder.

Sometimes I feel like I'm ruining my life watching her ruin hers, but what if she's telling me the truth now? Can things get better?? :confused:

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hehe. i am kinda in the same situation, i have been talking to this guy for a few months and i have already caught him in a few lies. the thing that really gets to me is that he lies about things which don't make any difference. I dont even have a relationship with the kid, so i dont really care what he does but he lies anyway.

I personally dont think there is any way i will ever fully trust him and i think it is best for me to move on asap. It's hard but sometimes you are better off moving on than trying to work something out with someone who doesnt want to change. i have confronted his lies so many times and he still tries to construe the truth. he says he will never lie to me again then i catch him in another lie. im happy that we arent serious because at this point it doesnt really upset me, i just dont understand it and find it immature.

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Originally posted by aboyfrombklyn

I know I've been complaining about my girl a lot lately, but I just can't help it. I'm in love. I've been trying to get over the fact that she has lied to me numerous times, but I just can't do it. She's lied to me so many times, I just don't know what to believe anymore. Every time I try walking away, I find myself turning right around again.

I know most people are going to tell me to leave her, and maybe I should, but isn't there any possibility of things getting better, her being honest (which she claims she is doing now), and us having a healthy relationship? I love her.

When you love someone, you love them for all their good points as well as all of their faults. There is no switch you can turn off an on as you please. Unfortunately, there are people who you love and mean the world to you, but are just not good for you. Every person who you make a significant contact with in you life time is there to teach you something, as well as learn something from you you. If you want and love her, but can't be with her, that's okay. But don't stay with her because you are used to her and you think she needs you. Maybe she has a lot of growing up to do......

I hope things get better:heart:

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:bounce: i'm definately agreeing wit that...she sounds like she does have a lot of growing up to do ...and i dont think she should be in any relationship until she does so...do what makes you happy...its not your responsibility to show her how to grow up and just because you love her doesnt mean its going to work..i just broke up with a guy and even though i loved him i had to leave him..do what makes you happy and no offense it doesnt sound like you're very happy with her...and remember there is going to be others after her

Good Luck!!!

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Originally posted by destiny779

do what makes you happy and no offense it doesnt sound like you're very happy with her...and remember there is going to be others after her

Good Luck!!!

You haven't been sounding to happy at all for the last couple of months. As much as you love and care for her, maybe you really don't need to be with her, because she is making you doubt yourself.

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The plain, BLUNT fact is..No matter how much you love someone..No matter how much they love you. If trust was broken ONCE in a relationship whether it be a lie, a phone call, another girl/guy...the trust is questioned ...YOU will always remember that instance & it will always be in the back of your mind. EATING AT YOU. Everytime she/he comes home late, or says "I was out"...

It's the begining of the end....nip it in the bud and get out.

My opiion..but i was right in my case, I just never take my own advice.

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Originally posted by phatman

I'm not saying you should break up with her but self-destructive people usually have to hit rock bottom and be completely alone before they can make a Real step by themselves for themselves. If she can not use your love and anyone else's in her circle to help her out of this, she probably never will.

You can love her from a distance but the closer you are to her the more you are at risk. The risk of getting hurt, the risk of going in circles, the risk of being jaded and displaced for when love comes around again the next time...

Tough call but in the end, leaving her may just be for her own good (not to mention your sanity).

Well said, phatty...

I am with someone now who has been through drug and alcohol problems, and now that she's done with it, i want to tell aboyfrombrooklyn that it will all turn out all right in time.

But I think you need to step up and give an ultimatum... either she tones down the drug and alcohol abuse and REALIZES that it's wrecking not only your relationship with her, BUT HER LIFE as well.

You guys might need some space apart, but me and my g/f have taken a 5 month hiatus, and now we're back together, much smarter and more mature than b4.

Good Luck, man:)

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Originally posted by gmccookny

Well said, phatty...

I am with someone now who has been through drug and alcohol problems, and now that she's done with it, i want to tell aboyfrombrooklyn that it will all turn out all right in time.

But I think you need to step up and give an ultimatum... either she tones down the drug and alcohol abuse and REALIZES that it's wrecking not only your relationship with her, BUT HER LIFE as well.

You guys might need some space apart, but me and my g/f have taken a 5 month hiatus, and now we're back together, much smarter and more mature than b4.

Good Luck, man:)

I am happy you got the good ending, unfortunately, I have seen the worse happen too. I would never wish tha on anybody, but sometimes the drugs and alcohol win over love......:(

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Its always easier to leave a bad situation. If you love your girl you should definitely try to work things out and make sure she knows that if she dosent change her ways that she may lose you.

It is also important to know when to leave a bad situation. If your efforts fail time after time, then maybe right now you just cant help her. Remebmer that things happen for a reason and if things were meant to be between you guys it will happen.

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Originally posted by xxsweetie

Its always easier to leave a bad situation. If you love your girl you should definitely try to work things out and make sure she knows that if she dosent change her ways that she may lose you.

It is also important to know when to leave a bad situation. If your efforts fail time after time, then maybe right now you just cant help her. Remebmer that things happen for a reason and if things were meant to be between you guys it will happen.

I think it's harder to leave a bad thing. YOu know there is an ssue and you want to help but you don't want to be hurt..... It seems easy enough to walk away, but theh you have all the after effects...

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:bounce: I think it is harder to leave a bad situation...you want to help them so bad and a lot of times you end up gettin hurt in the process...no matter what it is a lot of times you keep sayin that they're goin to change and its going to get better

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i was in the same exact boat as you, like 5 months ago....every time id try to stop talking to her id just call back later and be like, yeah thats not gonna work out, but on like the 90th try it finally worked and we stopped talking

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Originally posted by destiny779

:bounce: I think it is harder to leave a bad situation...you want to help them so bad and a lot of times you end up gettin hurt in the process...no matter what it is a lot of times you keep sayin that they're goin to change and its going to get better

It's along those those lines of an abusive relationship, which I guess this kinda is..... You always want things to change and get better, say they do for a little while, but then the cycle starts all over again:(

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Wow, I can’t believe this post. I know I’ve never posted before, but I’m going through a similar situation. I caught my girl in a lie (she said she was going to bed @ 1:30am and then I caught her @ a Club in the DJ booth hanging out with the DJ an hour later.

They both deny that they were hanging out, both deny that they’re friends without me knowing.. but it still seems shady…Needless to say I dumped her (quick temper) and after being torn up about it for a week now I have finally realized she needs to do what’s right for herself.. If that means that I get hurt in the process… well it doesn’t make it right but I can’t stop it either.

Lastly…. Leaving her has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my LIFE! I still love her but going back may not be the right thing to do…. I may only get hurt again. So keep your head up and be strong.. rely on your friends.. stay busy.. do whatever is right for YOU! SOMETIMES THAT'S WHAT'S MOST IMPORTANT!

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Originally posted by djmimic

Wow, I can’t believe this post. I know I’ve never posted before, but I’m going through a similar situation. I caught my girl in a lie (she said she was going to bed @ 1:30am and then I caught her @ a Club in the DJ booth hanging out with the DJ an hour later.

They both deny that they were hanging out, both deny that they’re friends without me knowing.. but it still seems shady…Needless to say I dumped her (quick temper) and after being torn up about it for a week now I have finally realized she needs to do what’s right for herself.. If that means that I get hurt in the process… well it doesn’t make it right but I can’t stop it either.

Lastly…. Leaving her has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my LIFE! I still love her but going back may not be the right thing to do…. I may only get hurt again. So keep your head up and be strong.. rely on your friends.. stay busy.. do whatever is right for YOU! SOMETIMES THAT'S WHAT'S MOST IMPORTANT!

Catching someone in a lie is a whole different story. It not right that she lied to you. Leaving someone always hurts.

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LEAVING SOMEBODY DOES HURT LIKE A EMMER EFFER!!!

But even if you DON'T catch the ther person in a lie...BUT you feel there is some thing wrong...your done because you wll really NEVER know...then it screws with yor mind...at least it did for me..then i finally went crazy with the NEVER KNOW feeling...and it made me NOt trust.:confused:

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Fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice shame on you... lifes too short for second chances... cut your losses count your gains and walk away... trust is the foundation of the relationship, whats thats broken you have nothing... pretty much like if you were building a house would you build it on quicksand or solid ground??? exactly my point... so thank her very much and move on... thats what i would do.

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I went through the same thing with my X. So much in love I dated him for 9months. He lied to me about everything, down to what he was doing that day. He also had a drug problem and lied to me consitatnly about not doing them when I caught him on numerous occasion fucked up. If your life does not revlove around that and you don't like it and your girlfriend won't stop then its just not going to help anything. I learned you can't change anyone unless they want to change for themselves. Don't stay in a realtionship with someone that does not make you happy in every way. I learned that the hard way, I missed out on alot of things by being with him for all those months cause I was "IN LOVE" but I made the choice to get out of that realtionship because it was bringing me nothing but grief. Now im happy and he still hasn't changed so I guess I really didn't mean all that much to him. If u ever need someone to talk to about this feel free to IM me

MrsSexyDee

good luck:D

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Originally posted by SPYGIRL2

No harshness meant, but I though you quit posting???????

Me? I've just been away trying to work things out with her. It was her birthday and our anniversary this past weekend. I don't know whether to call them good times or tough ones.

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Originally posted by aboyfrombklyn

Me? I've just been away trying to work things out with her. It was her birthday and our anniversary this past weekend. I don't know whether to call them good times or tough ones.

Not you, Baby Dee....

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