From watching MTV’s Cribs I’ve learned that in order to keep up with today’s trend-setters, one must “BLING.” But it wasn’t until one episode, when Dale Earnhardt Jr. lifted the door revealing a NASCAR-eligible 785hpr Chevrolet Monte Carlo, did I finally understood what “blinging” was all about. It’s having something no one else has. Meanwhile, you and I sit sipping our Natural Light tall-boy cans contemplating suicide. But before you try to hang yourself with your cardboard belt, listen up. I am going to tell you how normal cheese-dicks like you and I can “bling” with the best on our “pennies a day” budget. A wise frat brother once said, “Unless the question is, ‘What is not the answer?’ Porn is always the answer.” The answer to the question “How can I bling?”: Personal Porn. Personal Porn is videos of you and your gal (or any girl with whom you have relations- fat girls “bling” extremely well), or flicks of her naked. I recommend getting naked pictures, because these will provide the most convenient “blinging.” You can take them wherever you go in your wallet, and as soon as you need to “bling,” boom- they’re right there. The only thing that stands in the way is getting Babycakes comfortable in front of the lens. The Purpose If the girl lets you take the pictures easily, the flicks will have no “bling” value since half the block already has the same pictures, comprende? Unless the girl is a blatant whore, taking pictures is going to take some talking. You need prepared answers to the inevitable questions, like “Why do you need to take naked pictures of me?” I recommend answers like “To remember how beautiful a person you are” or “You just look so natural at this moment.” Drawing on girls and then telling that you must take pictures of your artwork (including them) also works relatively well. Make Her Feel Like a Swimsuit Model Compliment her appearance, body (legs and ass especially), and confidence. If her toes are painted, tell her they look great. Tell her she has great lips and a radiant smile. Pick small things on her body to compliment so she’ll begin to believe that composed of all these little pieces, her entire body is portrait-worthy. This strong self-image will give her the confidence necessary to bear all in a well-lit area. (Pretend to) Confide In Her After all those compliments, the girl is most likely thinking that all you want is to jump her bones, so you need to make sure she thinks the two of you are “connecting.” In order to “connect,” I recommend letting a girl give you advice on a subject that appears very personal and sensitive. Actively respond to her, with “You are so right” or “I am going to do that tomorrow.” By the end of your chat, you should have her believing that the relationship has meaning and value and it will be believable when you say the pictures have a deeper meaning- and believe me, they will! The T-Factor With girls, trust is always a factor, no matter the situation. Since she realizes that these pictures will be around long after you’ve ejaculated in her face, this’ll take more than usual. When you promise you’ll “Never show anyone else,” use a soft tone; don’t act like it’s an argument. If you must, tell the girl that her face does not have to be in the pictures, and proceed to take pictures of her face anyway. If she’s still concerned (or looks like she got hit with a jelly sandwich) let her wear a hat to cover-up. If your back is truly against the wall, let her take pictures of you- it’s your camera, and you’ll have first crack at destroying any incriminating (read: tiny dicked) negatives. Closing the Deal In a situation such as this, the fence is only a few inches high, and she can quickly hop from one side to the other. As soon as you feel she has one foot over, make sure to let loose the closing argument. I like to call this the “Crazy, Sexy, Beautiful” approach. First, tell her that it would be so cool if she did something CRAZY for once in her dull life. Make sure she has not forgotten how SEXY she is, that she has the body of a swimsuit model. And finally, re-engage the trust factor by shyly confessing to her how BEAUTIFUL this will be. Remember, this will be a meaningful, trusting progression in your relationship. You should be in like Flynn, but if, God forbid, after the session, the girl gets nervous and upset, always carry a used roll of film in you pocket and simply slip her the dummy roll, or better yet, let her watch you destroy it. From then on, the player-haters at Foto-Mat and anyone else you choose will be blinded by your shine, Big baller! Bling Bling! May personal porn be your Bentley.
