. . . The toilet bomber . . . .

[phuturephunk]

. . Ok, so my building isn't the nice and shiniest places to work in (although oddly enough, there's alot of people making good money employed here . . ) . . so anyways, it's not the most polished of buildings . . Now, there's bathrooms near the elevator bank of each floor, two to be exact . . . We did a half million dollar renovation to our floor, which means we have the sunshiniest bathrooms this side of the Mississippi . . . Now, every day there's this one securtiy flunky that comes up to use the bathroom . .

. . He's an older italian guy, very buff ( . . one could say that he's a 'guido' in his mid fifties . . picture him in a police mans uniform) . . Now every day this guy creeps onto our floor and goes to the can . . I walk in sometime afterwards expecting a standard issue in and out pee and what am I presented with, but a mound of poop in the toilet . . We're talking a veritable ASSPLOSION! . . .

. . No really, you really don't understand the magnitude of the loaves that this guy pinches . . .EVERY SINGLE TIME he uses our can it's demolished and I gotta call Mark the maintenance guy to come and excavate (and I DO mean excavate!) the toilet . . .

. . Here's my dilemma: I've told mark about this many times, and quite frankly he and I are fed up with it ( I mean, come on now, hauling heavy machinery up five flights just to clear some poop becomes a task . . ) and he's spoken to management, who in turn has spoken to the guy several times . . but nothing seems to come from it . . . I was thinking of setting a boobie trap to teach this guy a lesson . . . What are your thoughts on this? . . And better yet: do you have any ideas? . . .

[phuturephunk]

. . .Wrong button . .

[gothzane]

Buy him a buttplug for a christmas gift or something.

[phuturephunk]

Originally posted by gothzane

Buy him a buttplug for a christmas gift or something.

. .. . See, now that's a funny prank gift . . but there's an issue with the logic: If I give him that as a hint to quit dropping the tonnage in our toilets, he may decide to use it and plug himeself up . . . Now, seeing as how this guy produces close to a metric ton of poop a day (all of which is promptly deposited in our bathroom) . . wouldn't plugging him up cause a billion-fold increase in pressure which would, in turn, cause complete catastrophic eruption? . . I mean, the blast would probably cover like a 3 mile radius!! . . . .

[gothzane]

At least your bathroom would go unravaged.

And you have to admit instant spontanious human combustion is damn funny.

Originally posted by phuturephunk

. .. . See, now that's a funny prank gift . . but there's an issue with the logic: If I give him that as a hint to quit dropping the tonnage in our toilets, he may decide to use it and plug himeself up . . . Now, seeing as how this guy produces close to a metric ton of poop a day (all of which is promptly deposited in our bathroom) . . wouldn't plugging him up cause a billion-fold increase in pressure which would, in turn, cause complete catastrophic eruption? . . I mean, the blast would probably cover like a 3 mile radius!! . . . .

[phuturephunk]

Originally posted by gothzane

At least your bathroom would go unravaged.

And you have to admit instant spontanious human combustion is damn funny.

. . . yeah, but what about the miles and miles of poop spray!!! . . It would be tragedy on an epic scale!! . . .

[somebitch]

if you have said something to the guy and he doesnt care, maybe hes being vindictive by using your shitter everyday. i dunno, i would stop telling people about him, what if your accusing the wrong guy?? or maybe he just likes your toilet, you cant tell him where he can and cant take a crap.

[gothzane]

*Hands you an umbrella....a small broken hole-ridden one...then bounces away cackeling maddingly on his pogo-stick*

Somebitch has a point...Your inconvience although quite understandable seems quaint for such an instance.

Although if I wasd placed in sch a toxic situation id crazy glue the stinkers butt to the bowl...but thats just me.

Originally posted by phuturephunk

. . . yeah, but what about the miles and miles of poop spray!!! . . It would be tragedy on an epic scale!! . . .

[trancerxn112]

Setup a bucket of fudge ontop of the door so when he walks through it lands on him... this way he walks through your floor onto his floor covered in black goo... he'll get the point that his assplosions of biblical magnitude should be taken elsewhere... if all else fails bring out the digi-cam...

[georgym]

just my 2 cents:

--hopefully your building will take a proposal from someone in the next budget talks to renovate the chunky italian's floor's bathrooms, so he can use his own

--start writing on the bathroom walls about him and his offenses (hehhehe)

--start a petition urging him to stay on his floor for his "unexpected yet offensive maintenance disturbances"

[Xpander]

Now, see here's what you would do.

You mentioned that this guard is rather buff. So naturally, we'll have to assume that his mass would allow him to cover the entire gap of the toilet with the entirety of his ass. Now you also mentioned that you didn't want the bathroom to be further defiled, no problem.

See, what you need to do is this. First, install a camera and a loud speaker in the stalls (horizontal view, so you don't kill yourself looking at exactly the wrong direction). Then what you need to do is install remote-controlled subdual devices in the stalls. Third, Mark must install a reversal pump mechanism into the plumbing valves on that floor. After that, you'll want to install remote-controlled locks onto the bathroom (not stall) door. Lastly, you'll want to make the room relatively sound-proof.

Next time the buff man comes to do the deed, you'll wait till he finishes his terrible deed. At which point, RIGHT before he's about to get up. You're going to activate the subdual device, clamping his entire ass (and body therefore attached) onto the seat. You will now lock the door to the bathroom and have Mark come and put an "Out of order" sign on the said door. The lights will shut off, leaving the man in complete darkness. At this point, you will play a tape at DEAFENING VOLUMES over the loud speakers that will repeat something like this:

"listen up you horrendously disgusting motherfucker. I am sick and tired of your nasty ass coming up here everyday and laying to waste the one space where I can find some peace and serenity during the day. Buuuut, in celebration of you NEVER showing your facein here EVER again, I want to give you a little going away present."

At this point, you will have Mark activate that reversal pump and send all that turd napalm that he dropped back up at his ass at MACH 10. The seal that his ass makes with the toilet will protect the rest of the stall. While this is happening, echoing a deafening demonic laughter throughout the bathroom is advisable.

Also, please note that you'll want to make the speaker voice sound like a disgruntled Cher after she's just taken the entirety of the dark lord Mephistopheles' 56 inch manhood up her ass.

After leaving the reversal pump on for, oh, let's say, hour and a half. You will let him go.

I think that might sent him the message that he should not return. But you know,it's just an idea.

[barvybe]

it sounds like the maintenance guy is the one with the real beef...

i think the only real solution to this (and they do this in some offices) is to put a key lock on the door and only give it to offices on the same floor....

[phuturephunk]

. . . . . . . . .

[gothzane]

and the say IM evil.....

[trancerxn112]

holy shit xpander... you're like the revenge macguyver!

[Xpander]

Originally posted by trancerxn112

holy shit xpander... you're like the revenge macguyver!

MacGuyver!!!!!! :laugh:

[georgym]

Originally posted by barvybe

it sounds like the maintenance guy is the one with the real beef...

i think the only real solution to this (and they do this in some offices) is to put a key lock on the door and only give it to offices on the same floor....

Good