reggie123 Posted October 9 Report Share Posted October 9 2000 Survival Guide for Taking A Dump at Work We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a-brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those of you who hate pooping at work, here is the 2000 Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure. ESCAPEE Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an ESCAPEE, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an ESCAPEE, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE) Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poopis whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom. THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN) Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVEN Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE. UNCLE TED Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. FLY BY Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ckayser Posted October 9 Report Share Posted October 9 ahaha.. LMAO!thanks man. needed that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alrousasa Posted October 9 Report Share Posted October 9 LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!! {prints out and takes home}------------------ Pleasure is the only thing to live for............"I don't want to die....then you should never have been born." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sargyros2000 Posted October 9 Report Share Posted October 9 Thank you man...I needed to laugh like that after the weekend I had. ------------------"can't we all just get along" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kramadas Posted October 9 Report Share Posted October 9 Oh fuck!! LMFAOOO!!!!------------------Music saved my soul! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathyo Posted October 9 Report Share Posted October 9 I got the same email two days ago from my friend! It's amazing how these things travel!------------------ A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to it's old dimensions.~*~*~Don't use time or words carelessly, neither can be retrieved.~*~*~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jdogg Posted October 9 Report Share Posted October 9 This is pretty damn funny.------------------Kill something everyday...no matter how small, just to maintain proficiency. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tut Posted October 9 Report Share Posted October 9 That is SWEEEEEET!!!! Did you make that "Shit" up yourself? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keshiki Posted October 10 Report Share Posted October 10 that is so true...do we all use those tactics or is it just me??? do some people not care if people are in there when they shit??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.