Would you ever ask someone you're going out with to change?

[Destiny]

I'm talking about if they drank, did drugs, or went to clubs...and you didn't want them doing it. My friend just started going out with this guy and she said she asked him to stop doing drugs and he won't so she's going to break up with him. She knew he did drugs before (he does it about twice or three times a week) and I told her shes dumping him for a stupid reason. Personally, I see no problem if they do drugs or drink as long as its not excessive. And as for clubs, well hey go every day for all I care. As long as he doesn't cheat or lie about what he's doing then I don't see a problem. So was she right for breaking up with him?

[guest00901]

Here's the thing, with my X he never told me he did drugs or sold them so I went into that realtionship not knowing anything and finding out later and I don't do drugs nor like them but I won't be with anyone who does them. Yes ill be friends with them but I won't have them as my boyfriend. I tryed to make him stop but he didn't and I broke up with him. If she knew that he did drugs she should have found out first if he was willing to stop doing them for her before she started dating him instead of thinking just because she was his girlfriend now that he was going to stop. But it's her fault for gettin into a realtionship with someone who does something that she does not like. So just let her break up with him, if he really wanted to be with her he would stop anyway

[djjonmartin]

If she knew before, then it was really up to her to decide BEFORE getting serious whether that was acceptable to her. If she communicated with him about it, and he said "I'm not gonna change", then at least she would have been able to avoid the drama.

IMO, I don't really mind if you get high or go out, like sexybabyd said, as long as you don't cheat or lie, and remain in control (that's usually people's fear: you'll get fucked up and go cheat and then lie to cover it up).

Before I get serious with you, I'm gonna tell you that, and give you the opportunity to tell me whether you are willing or able to meet my criteria of honesty and communication. If you can, and you're not a mess (which would disqualify you anyway) then BRING IT!

You can't change anybody else. And if you really loved them, you wouldn't want to, anyway. You may want THEM to change, but of their own accord.

[brickhouse]

A lot of people would perceive doing drugs 2 or 3 times a week as being excessive. It's not as if she's asking him to change who he is, just some of his behavior. That's really no different than when girls start going out with a guy and try to get them to dress more presentable, or to leave the toilet seat down, or anything like that. In any case, in relationships EVERYONE asks the other person to change to a small extent, whether it's explicit or implicit. It's called compromise and it's a part of being in a relationship. As long as she doesn't hinge too much on it, it's more than fine for her to ask. I'd just be worried about how bad she'll be let down if he doesn't.

[dewrcbc]

Doing drugs 3 times a week is excessive.. Doing drugs once a week IMO is excessive. This is coming form someone who fucked up in my teen years and im past all that hsit now. Addiciton causes problems in relationships, whether its lie'n, verbal/physical or mental abuse.. If the dude really cared about her he'd stop cause he respected her feelings. If not fuck him hes not worth it and if hes an addict good luck.. <laughs sadly>

The reason hes prolly doing drugs is

A. the atmosphere and people he hangs out with

B. He has problems.

Ok enough from the pop-pychologist. Just my input from someone who use to be an addict. Its actually not all that bad going out sober. Shit i do it cause i love the music and i've been dancing for bout 8 yrs now. I breaks it down =)

[Destiny]

Originally posted by brickhouse

A lot of people would perceive doing drugs 2 or 3 times a week as being excessive. It's not as if she's asking him to change who he is, just some of his behavior. That's really no different than when girls start going out with a guy and try to get them to dress more presentable, or to leave the toilet seat down, or anything like that. In any case, in relationships EVERYONE asks the other person to change to a small extent, whether it's explicit or implicit. It's called compromise and it's a part of being in a relationship. As long as she doesn't hinge too much on it, it's more than fine for her to ask. I'd just be worried about how bad she'll be let down if he doesn't.

I'm all for compromise as much as the next person, but shes giving him an ultimadum, the drugs or her, and they just started going out. 2 or 3 times a week can be perceived as excessive to some people. This is something that he likes doing, its not the same as being asked to put the toilet seat down. I tell any guy before I get with them that I will not stop going to clubs. I did it before them and I'll still do it while I'm with them. I trust myself enough that I'm not going to do anything when I have a bf, if they don't believe me and don't trust me enough then its time to re-evaluate the relationship. And as for the fear that doing these things is going to make them more prone to cheating or whatever, that all has to do with trust. There should be trust that just because they drink, do drugs or go to clubs that they arent going to cheat on you. Everyone should know their limit when doing that stuff and if theyre with someone and they know that drinking and drugs has a bad effect on them, then dont do it, have someone there to keep you in line, or only do it when the person you're with is there. She knew before that he did drugs and I dont think it was fair for her to ask him to change.

[dewrcbc]

Well if they have only seen each other a few times and she knew he was doing the drugs and doesnt want him to do them. Why the hell did she even get mixed up with him? Cause hes hot? He seems nice? Well if she didnt like him for who he was in the first place then she should just find someone she likes. She sounds like a "caretaker" and sounds like she has her own issues.

But datiung someone who is active(using any sort of drug) it has nothing to do with trust. Drugs and alcohol cloud judgment and alter reality or what seems reality. You CANNOT make good descisons while on drugs or alcohol. THat is what i have learned of years of being out of control.

ANymore questions for Dr. Drew?

[Destiny]

Originally posted by dewrcbc

Well if they have only seen each other a few times and she knew he was doing the drugs and doesnt want him to do them. Why the hell did she even get mixed up with him? Cause hes hot? He seems nice? Well if she didnt like him for who he was in the first place then she should just find someone she likes. She sounds like a "caretaker" and sounds like she has her own issues.

But datiung someone who is active(using any sort of drug) it has nothing to do with trust. Drugs and alcohol cloud judgment and alter reality or what seems reality. You CANNOT make good descisons while on drugs or alcohol. THat is what i have learned of years of being out of control.

ANymore questions for Dr. Drew?

Alcohol and drugs are no excuse for bad behavior I dont care who it is. The worst excuse I've ever heard was " It wasn't my fault I was drunk." Drugs don't cloud my judgement, I know I've taken a lot of them and I don't like them now but a with a few people I know it does cloud their judgement. He knows how to control himself, and it doesnt cloud his judgement which is why I don't understand why she's breaking up with him over this. She got involved with him because hes a great guy and if that makes he a "caretaker" then so be it. It does have to do with trust because you're supposed to trust the other person to know what theyre doing, how theyre body reacts to the stuff, etc. As for the club thing, he doesnt like her goin to clubs not for the fact that hes scared shes goin to cheat on him but that shes goin to get manhandled. But he doesnt tell her not to go. She drinks but he doesnt tell her to stop. I figured I would get everyone elses opinion on this subject because in most relatioships this topic does come up and im interested in hearin how everyone else handles it.

[dewrcbc]

IM not being a prick, but u just keep believing that drugs and alcohol dont cloud your judgement.

Also if your with someone to be a caretaker its not healthy, then she has issues that she needs to resolve beofre she can be in a relationship period.

[Destiny]

Originally posted by dewrcbc

IM not being a prick, but u just keep believing that drugs and alcohol dont cloud your judgement.

Also if your with someone to be a caretaker its not healthy, then she has issues that she needs to resolve beofre she can be in a relationship period.

In some people drugs do not cloud judgement..I should know I'm one of those people on most of the drugs he does..he does weed only which doesnt cloud his judgement. As for her being a caretaker...no. As for you being a prick..no ur not you're stating your opinion which is different..just like i am stating mine:)

[lore69]

FIRST THINGS FIRST... I DON'T WANT N EONE ON THE FORUM TO JUDGE ME SIMPLY B/C THEY DON'T KNOW ME.... NOW I WILL CONTINUE WITH MY OPINION ON THIS ISSUE... I HAVE BEEN DOIN DRUGS FOR SOMETIME NOW.... ABOUT 8 YEARS TO BE EXACT.... IM GOIN TO BE 22 THIS WEEKEND COMING UP... I DO NOT DO AN EXCESSIVE AMOUNT AND I DO NOT DO IT BECAUSE I HAVE TO OR NEED TO....I FEEL THAT YOUR FRIEND SHOULD NOT TELL HIM TO STOP DOIN WHAT HE IS DOIN... BY HER BEIN ON HIS CASE SHE IS ONLY BRING MORE AND MORE STRESS UPON HIM.... HE HAS PROBABLY HEARD THAT FROM MILLIONS OF PPL ALREADY BEGGIN HIM TO STOP... THE LAST THING HE NEEDS IS HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND TO TELL HIM THE SAME.... SHE DOESNT HAVE TO SUPPORT HIS DECISSION BUT IF HE WAS DOIN IT B 4 HE MET HER AND SHE KNEW THAT........ SHE CANT TRY AND TELL HIM TO STOP NOW B/C SHE FEELS SHES CLOSER TO HIM.... WHAT HE DOES IS HIS CHOICE HE CANT CHANGE FOR NO ONE.... MY FIANCEE HATES THE FACT THAT I DO DRUGS... BUT....IM IN COLLEGE, I HAVE A JOB... I TAKE CARE OF MY HOME, MY CHILD, MYSELF AND HIM... AS LONG AS HE IS DOIN WHAT HE HAS TO DO... AND ASLONG AS HE HAS HIS PRIORITIES STR8 THEN THEIR SHOULDNT BE A PROBLEM.... SHE SHOULDNT TRY AND CHANGE HIM.. AT ALL

[brickhouse]

Originally posted by destiny779

I'm all for compromise as much as the next person, but shes giving him an ultimadum, the drugs or her, and they just started going out. 2 or 3 times a week can be perceived as excessive to some people. This is something that he likes doing, its not the same as being asked to put the toilet seat down. I tell any guy before I get with them that I will not stop going to clubs. I did it before them and I'll still do it while I'm with them. I trust myself enough that I'm not going to do anything when I have a bf, if they don't believe me and don't trust me enough then its time to re-evaluate the relationship. And as for the fear that doing these things is going to make them more prone to cheating or whatever, that all has to do with trust. There should be trust that just because they drink, do drugs or go to clubs that they arent going to cheat on you. Everyone should know their limit when doing that stuff and if theyre with someone and they know that drinking and drugs has a bad effect on them, then dont do it, have someone there to keep you in line, or only do it when the person you're with is there. She knew before that he did drugs and I dont think it was fair for her to ask him to change.

It's still fine if she gives an ultimatum, just as long as she realizes that only one of two things can happen from this (expecially if they just started dating):

1. She'll get rejected

2. He'll tell her he'll quit then not quit

Either way, just make sure she's prepared for that.

[xxdonxlavitoxx]

i say not to stop but if ya gonna do something it should be only if im around! im seeing this girl that smokes up probably every single day and i told her i dont like that. i take e but not like b4, my ex helped me cut down, and she says that the same thing should go for me and that i should only trip if im around her. we both agreed on that. i think to ask someone to completely stop is ok just dont expect them to quit the next day!

[dewrcbc]

Ehh no one should do drugs. THey do nothing positive for you.

<winks>

[dewrcbc]

Originally posted by destiny779

no ur not you're stating your opinion which is different..just like i am stating mine:)

Im stating fact sweetie! <winks>

[xxdonxlavitoxx]

Originally posted by dewrcbc

Ehh no one should do drugs. THey do nothing positive for you.

<winks>

its not about the positive things it does its the awsome fucking feeling you get...but im not saying its right because its not its very wrong and if you dont do drugs and are curious to try them dont! once you try them youlle like em and keep on so dont.

[Destiny]

Originally posted by xxdonxlavitoxx

its not about the positive things it does its the awsome fucking feeling you get...but im not saying its right because its not its very wrong and if you dont do drugs and are curious to try them dont! once you try them youlle like em and keep on so dont.

This is a statement I can agree with...once you start on drugs you like them and keep goin...Me on the other hand...very VERY rarely do them anymore so I'm good

[xtreme-1]

Both my Ex's did drugs and thats why i lost them!!! it was more importatn to them then a clean healthy relationship, You defintley cant change someomne, esp regarding drugs/ clubs etc, I tried lol, but its a learnig/ growing experirce.

[djjonmartin]

IM not being a prick, but u just keep believing that drugs and alcohol dont cloud your judgement.

Alcohol and Drugs do cloud your judgement.

HOWEVER,

to what extent varies CONSIDERABLY from person to person.

If you're one of those people who blacks out, or regrets shit you did the morning after, or who knows that you cannot be trusted to "keep your promises" or "be responsible" while you're high, (you find your dick in places it doesn't belong, you come home having lost your paycheck, you crashed your mom's car, you can't remember your name, etc.) then you shouldn't be getting high, you should be getting therapy!

Plain & simple, if it negatively affects your life, your relationship, your job, etc., then maybe you should seriously think about what it is that you're getting from drugs that's worth all of that.

Is it REALLY a temporary escape from life's trials and tribulations, a moment of relaxation/exuberation or is it a crutch/excuse for inappropriate and immature behavior?

If you answer the latter, you need to deal with that before getting into a relationship at all. Check yourself, and keep yourself in check. Then you won't need a g/f trying to keep you in check.

On the other hand, if you can be responsible (which I KNOW for a FACT is possible) and if your chemical enhancements don't interfere with being happy (it helps a lot if you're happy first, before the drug is introduced), then knock yourself out.

Just don't come crying to me with some tired excuse about "I was high and drunk and it just happened," because you should know better than to put yourself in a "situation" like that to begin with.

[hardtopleaz]

I wouldn't because if the tables were turned, and my boyfriend asked me to change something about myself, I would be really pissed off.. maybe if the persons life was in serious danger, but not if he was just having a good time..

[elementx]

A person should not ask a person to stop. Especially walking into a relationship knowing the deal.

But on the other hand. If the person that is doing the drugs knows that this bothers there partner and they care enough for them they should really think about cuttin down some.

Also remember something. And I have seen this many times. Many people think that weed is " Not a Drug " But trust me on something. If you take someone who does weed on a daily or even bi-daily basis. Watch there attitude take a turn when they completely stop.

But again... Thats just opinion. And I happen to hate weed. Smells nasty and I don't see the point of gettin retarted for like 30 minutes and then gettin tired...

Thats all I have to say...

Peace...

[dr0ne]

these posts are fucking retarded. i've said this a million times before and i'll say it again: there's 2 types of people in this world - those who can handle drugs and those who can't. things is, you won't realize you're the latter until its too late, so you're taking the chance. believe it or not, most "regular" pot smokers or cokeheads or whatever went on to be normal people leading normal lives being doctors or laywers or fucking what have you.

so all this bullshit is fucking retarded. i used to know this guy, he was this hippie physics major who smoked weed every day. He had a 4.0 GPA and is working on his Ph.D right now (at one of the top 5 physics schools in the world).

so if you let your life get fucked up because of drugs let me say this to you:

YOU ARE FUCKING WEAK

Drugs are just a bunch of substances that cause chemical reactions in your brain and thats it. if you can't handle that then maybe you shouldn't be doing it. There's nothing special about it, good or bad, its just a different experience.

Moral of the story:

Be smart, dont be a retard (or e-tard...). If you're not noticing the fact that you're pissing your life away on drugs then you have some SERIOUS PROBLEMS.

[xxdonxlavitoxx]

Originally posted by dr0ne

these posts are fucking retarded. i've said this a million times before and i'll say it again: there's 2 types of people in this world - those who can handle drugs and those who can't. things is, you won't realize you're the latter until its too late, so you're taking the chance. believe it or not, most "regular" pot smokers or cokeheads or whatever went on to be normal people leading normal lives being doctors or laywers or fucking what have you.

so all this bullshit is fucking retarded. i used to know this guy, he was this hippie physics major who smoked weed every day. He had a 4.0 GPA and is working on his Ph.D right now (at one of the top 5 physics schools in the world).

so if you let your life get fucked up because of drugs let me say this to you:

YOU ARE FUCKING WEAK

Drugs are just a bunch of substances that cause chemical reactions in your brain and thats it. if you can't handle that then maybe you shouldn't be doing it. There's nothing special about it, good or bad, its just a different experience.

Moral of the story:

Be smart, dont be a retard (or e-tard...). If you're not noticing the fact that you're pissing your life away on drugs then you have some SERIOUS PROBLEMS.

dude this speech just brought a tear in my eye!

but you are right ! i guess its ok to take drugs once in a while but once you start needeing the shit to stay alive then thats when you know youre fucked up. like my best friend said "65 % of the people in this world take some kind of substance. if its not weed its something else" everything is a drug. coffee, redbull, stackers. everything!!!!! whatever you take to stimulate you and to make you feel a little better is a drug! if im in a relationship in which i see that my girl trully loves me and she wants the best for me which would be to quit, then i would! once you chose your drug over the one that loves you, then thats when you know drugs rule your life ! eveything in life happens for a reason, maybe there was a purpose in life for you to have met that girl who wants yiou to quit all the drugs, maybe its a sign saying quit or die!