J.o.t.d.

[bobadrinker]

Couldn't find the original post from a while back, so starting a new one....

A lady walks into a Mercedes dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud burst of flatulence escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is "Andre," a salesman. "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."

[sandiegino]

good one :lol3:

[weyes]

i've been missing the jotd; thanks for bringing it back .

[weyes]

a seal walks into a diner and sits down.

a waitress comes over and asks, "what would you like?"

and the seal replies, "o, anything but a club sandwich."

[bobadrinker]

Originally posted by weyes

a seal walks into a diner and sits down.

a waitress comes over and asks, "what would you like?"

and the seal replies, "o, anything but a club sandwich."

either I'm stupid or I'm stupid, but I totally missed the punch line in this one:confused: :confused:

[weyes]

Originally posted by tequiza

either I'm stupid or I'm stupid, but I totally missed the punch line in this one:confused: :confused:

seals - get clubbed - feh, it wasn't really that funny .

[bobadrinker]

for those of you that flies the friendly skies...

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airline

from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the

window) turned to his mother and asked "If big dogs have baby dogs and

big

cats have

baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her

son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have

baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby

planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to

ask me?"

The boy said, "Yes she did."

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby

planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother

explain

that to you."

[weyes]

scandalous !

[lostin310]

Three men are drinking in the penthouse suite. After they've all gotten pretty sloshed, one of 'em says, "You know, the wind off the street's so strong here you can stand in mid-air." "No way," responds one of his companions. "Swear to God, look." says the first man, and climbs over the balcony and takes a step backward into thin air... and lo and behold he's floating. "See?"

"Hot damn," says the second guy, who does the same thing, only when he takes the step backward, he falls.

The third guy squints at the first guy and says, "Man, Superman, you're a bastard when you're drunk."

[weyes]

good one, lostin310 !

[bobadrinker]

An elderly Irish woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her

husband's sex drive ... "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor."Not a

chance," says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

"No problem." replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even

taste it. Try it and then call me in a week to let me know how it worked

out." A week later, Mrs. Murphy calls the doctor and he inquired as to how

things went. "Oh, faith and bejaysus and begorrah, it was terrible, just

terribledoctor." "What happened?" asks the doctor. Well, I did as you

advised and slipped it in his coffee.. The effect was immediate. He jumped

straight up, with a gleam in his eye and with his pants bulging fiercely!!!

He swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off

and then proceeded to make wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop!

It was terrible!" "What was terrible?" said the doctor. "Was the sex not

good?" "Oh no, doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll

never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.

[lostin310]

Well done tequiza.

[weyes]

a blonde gets pulled over on the freeway for speeding by a cop, also a blonde. the cop approaches the car.

"can i see your license, please?" the cop asks.

the driver looks through her purse and can't seem to find it. finally, she comes across a mirror. looking in it, she says, "here you go, officer!"

the cop grabs the mirror, takes a look at it, and says,

"o! why didn't you tell me you were a police officer?!?!?!"

[bobadrinker]

good one Weyes Here's a politically incorrect one...

One day in the garden of Eden the zebra asks St. Peter: "Am I a black horse with white stripes, or a white horse with black stripe?" Baffled by the question himself, St. Peter sends the zebra to God for an answer. "If there's anyone that knows the answer, its God" The zebra arrive before God and asks his question. The almight wise God answered: "You are, what you are" Confused by the answer, the zebra goes back to St. Peter for an explaination. Upon hearing God's answer, St. Peter firmly tells the zebra "Thats it. you're a white horse with black stripes" "How so?" asked the zebra. "Because if you're a black horse with white stripes," explains St. Peter " God would've said 'You is what you is' "

[bobadrinker]

this may only be funny to fellow consultants, or those who have worked with consultants...for those who don't - this is how you recognize one

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new silver Mercedes coupe flew out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Bruno Magli shoes and Armani sunglasses leans out the window and asks the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,

connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location and scan the area with satellite photos. Then the young man opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on

his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a Microsoft database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, mini HP LaserJet printer.

Finally, he turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the shepherd says to the young man: "Hey, if I can tell you

exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant." says the shepherd.

"Yeah, man...," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my business...Now give me back my dog."

[lostin310]

Okay, that was funny. (Yeah, I'm a consultant)

[weyes]

why did he put the dog in the trunk ? bad man. boooooo .

[bobadrinker]

Originally posted by weyes

why did he put the dog in the trunk ? bad man. boooooo .

thats just to show how little the consultant knew about the shepard's business....he couldn't distinguish a dog from a sheep,much like a consultant that couldn't distinguish Java from C++...anywhooooo:blank:

[bobbymoore55]

A duck walks into a pub and says to the barman: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f**king bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any f**king bread, ask me

again and I'll nail your f**king beak to the bar you irritating bast**d bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?

[bobadrinker]

haha...good one bobby. And welcome to the forum

[weyes]

Originally posted by tequiza

thats just to show how little the consultant knew about the shepard's business....he couldn't distinguish a dog from a sheep,much like a consultant that couldn't distinguish Java from C++...anywhooooo:blank:

i got the joke, tequiza (a little credit, please!); i was just making the point that putting animals in trunks isn't nice .

and yes, bobby, that's a good one !

[bobadrinker]

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey,

Dave! How ya doin'?

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this

club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd

like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you

drink Budweiser?

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share

lanes with them. A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy? Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before

she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is

screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him

every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave. "

[weyes]

awww...

[bobadrinker]

these may come off a bit offensive to the politically correct. So reader discretion advised

What's the Cuban National Anthem?

"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

To a different pub.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple who bore a retarded baby?

They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than

the other?

A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at

half-mast?

They're hiring morons again.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern

zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of

the cage along with."a recipe."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F

word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a

southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."

A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this

shit..."

My, my, how times have changed. Years ago, when 100 white men chased one black man, we called it the Ku Klux Klan; today they call it the PGA TOUR.

Why is there no Disneyland in China?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

And last but not least, a blonde joke:

What do you call a smart blonde?

A Golden Retriever

:laugh:

[anotherway83]

2 gay guys were walking down the street one day, and they saw a dog licking its balls. the first one said, "damn, i wish i could do that!" to which the second one replied, "don't you wanna pet it first?"

whats the difference between acne and a priest?

acne doesn't come a boy's face until he's thirteen!!