funketeer Posted February 25 Report Share Posted February 25 DRESS CODE:It is advised that you come to work dressed according to yoursalary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.SICK DAYS:We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.SURGERY:Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.PERSONAL DAYS:Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.VACATION DAYS:All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year.The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the lateafternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.RESTROOM USE:Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical Order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go From 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and soon.If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls.. At the end of threeminutes,an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.LUNCH BREAK:Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.Have a nice week.Management Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudeboywarrior Posted February 25 Report Share Posted February 25 3 minutes! I would be on the bulletin board every week, I need at least 20 minutes to drop the kids off every morning! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alienbeat Posted February 25 Report Share Posted February 25 LMAO - dude where do u work? i would like to know if they are hiring there. I can tell you're under NEW management and it must sux!Umm... Yeaaa! Did you get the memo about this? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funketeer Posted February 25 Author Report Share Posted February 25 Originally posted by alienbeat LMAO - dude where do u work? it's just a joke Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
renzo2 Posted February 25 Report Share Posted February 25 Originally posted by funketeer Originally posted by alienbeat LMAO - dude where do u work? it's just a joke this , bitch! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
renzo2 Posted February 25 Report Share Posted February 25 Originally posted by alienbeat LMAO - dude where do u work? i would like to know if they are hiring there. I can tell you're under NEW management and it must sux! And next on "Sarcasm and the People Who Don't Get It." philippio 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
djcarlosf Posted February 25 Report Share Posted February 25 its ok guys....hes a bit slowwwwww.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funketeer Posted February 25 Author Report Share Posted February 25 Originally posted by chaflas And next on "Sarcasm and the People Who Don't Get It." :laugh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bobbalou Posted February 25 Report Share Posted February 25 :laugh: That was good! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
junkiexl Posted February 25 Report Share Posted February 25 at least he gets weekends off Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
digitalphoenix Posted April 17 Report Share Posted April 17 Sarcasm? Where?I aint seen any sarcasm around here since this thread came up! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
philippio Posted April 17 Report Share Posted April 17 And next on "Sarcasm and the People Who Don't Get It." :rofl: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nadia73 Posted April 17 Report Share Posted April 17 Originally posted by alienbeat LMAO - dude where do u work? it's just a joke liar i didn't get my raise because of this memo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funketeer Posted April 17 Author Report Share Posted April 17 liar i didn't get my raise because of this memo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
philippio Posted April 17 Report Share Posted April 17 Don't worry. Resources do not apply to you. You are not human. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funketeer Posted April 17 Author Report Share Posted April 17 Don't worry. Resources do not apply to you. You are not human. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
philippio Posted April 17 Report Share Posted April 17 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
digitalphoenix Posted April 18 Report Share Posted April 18 The Human League sang : "HUMAN" - in the 80's. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
raincry Posted April 18 Report Share Posted April 18 And next on "Sarcasm and the People Who Don't Get It."lmfao Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funketeer Posted April 18 Author Report Share Posted April 18 The Human League sang : "HUMAN" - in the 80's. I’m only humanOf flesh and blood I’m madeI am just a manHumanBorn to make big steaks Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CHRles Posted April 18 Report Share Posted April 18 LOL@big steaks.That's a great place to work. First thing I would do is make sure I go pee every hour...in every executive's office. Then I'll go and bring takeout and eat in front of the very people who typed up this memo, letting them know how delicious the food is. Since I won't be getting a raise, I'll make sure to work real slow, and to "bowrrow" some of the computers from some of the executives. Maybe I'd show up for work naked, as that seems to be the only way to get a rasie in this joint.Oh, and hey if they think about suing my ass I'd have my attorney ready to hand the judge that nice little memo. I'm sure once he glances over it I'll be the one who ends with a big compensation Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
digitalphoenix Posted April 18 Report Share Posted April 18 I’m only humanOf flesh and blood I’m madeI am just a manHumanBorn to make big steaksCrikey!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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