diamondj760 Posted November 3 Report Share Posted November 3 Subject: Shaving Ryan's privates It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my ass cheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butt hair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: Either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey, this is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements."How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea. I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin cheeks and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless mounds of a newborn babe. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over. Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day,when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two ass cheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic shit-molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky shit/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own shit blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair: ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my ass cheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out he window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony. Friends - Don't shave your ass-hair! ------------------SHAVE THE WHALES!-------------------- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ricfutures Posted November 3 Report Share Posted November 3 I am halfway through this and I have tears running down my face!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ------------------Neo: You ever have that feeling where you're not sure if you're awake or still dreaming?Choi: All the time. It's called mescaline, it's the only way to fly. -Ricfutures Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bastardino Posted November 3 Report Share Posted November 3 this guy is full of shit, i've been shaving my anal hair for 2 years now and i don't have any of those problems , FYi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
apt10o Posted November 3 Report Share Posted November 3 I think I'll keep my dingleberry vines - thank you------------------There's so many ways to do it, there's so many ways to see. But the only way to do it, is to do it properly.~Robert Clivilles & David Cole Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Evan Posted November 3 Report Share Posted November 3 That was the most MESSED up post I have EVER read. Freakin' hillarious!!!Evan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted November 3 Report Share Posted November 3 Maybe you should've trimmed instead of shaved...heheeh... ------------------"Smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azankel Posted November 3 Report Share Posted November 3 That was Fuckin' CLASSIC!!!!I don't think Ive laughed that hard in weeks.Thanks buddy.------------------Lets Go METS!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ricfutures Posted November 3 Report Share Posted November 3 This is the best email I ahve read in a while. A round of applause is in order here. P.S. Get youself an electrical trimmer. You can just take off the excess hair. If not, I know this Jamaican barbershop that does wonderful braids...------------------Neo: You ever have that feeling where you're not sure if you're awake or still dreaming?Choi: All the time. It's called mescaline, it's the only way to fly. -Ricfutures Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the_pharmacist Posted November 3 Report Share Posted November 3 You've got to be kidding me!!! HAHAHAHAHA....I'm still at work, and half the people around me turned and stared as a almost fell to the floor laughing. I love it!!!Keep up the good work. ------------------ www.Hardhaus.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freshone Posted November 3 Report Share Posted November 3 THAT WAS AN ASS OF A STORY. CLASSIC!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sosultan Posted November 3 Report Share Posted November 3 loldude, this story blows Jay lenno out of the waterhope your ass gets better... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
diamondj760 Posted November 3 Author Report Share Posted November 3 that's funny- anyone else notice- no female responses- hmmmm...... ------------------SHAVE THE WHALES!--------------------U know Y???????cause I got it like dat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jasonct5 Posted November 3 Report Share Posted November 3 That is one of the funniest things I've ever read. Stick a tissue in between you cheeks, maybe that will help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
renaud from Par Posted November 3 Report Share Posted November 3 had trouble to understand some sentences BUTit's so funny!!! is it a real story??? hope now!now i need to go to the rooms ------------------ music is my drug Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
satanus Posted November 4 Report Share Posted November 4 jesus, when was the last time i heard a story that funny, f*cking beautiful! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tut Posted November 4 Report Share Posted November 4 I shave my whole entire body including my ass, and nothing even close to what diamond says happened to me...thank god!! Hilarious story though...my girl loves my bare baby ass..and so does her tongue!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deanna11 Posted November 5 Report Share Posted November 5 maybe you could just prop your cheeks apart to remedy your probs. you know, like stick a bar between them sideways Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sargyros2000 Posted November 5 Report Share Posted November 5 ROTFLMFAO!!!!! Thank you for the laugh...I feel your pain...if you'll allow a female response...let me just say, you can and would get used to it but it does take a little extra work to keep yourself clean and fresh...but the benifits are wonderful if you enjoy anal sex...I haven't laughed that hard in days...thanks again for sharing... ------------------"deep within I'm shaken by the violence of exsisting for only you..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrismakk69 Posted November 5 Report Share Posted November 5 that shit was hilarious! lmao!------------------ ...aND oN THaT NoTe, LeTS GeT BaCK To THe PRoGRaM... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megaman420 Posted November 5 Report Share Posted November 5 I got one word bro.....BABYPOWDER. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alrousasa Posted November 6 Report Share Posted November 6 whatever you say...................ass-shaver.------------------Always keep em' second guessing! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattyparsons Posted November 6 Report Share Posted November 6 try nair next time....one of my lifeguards did it once ........after he told us, we never looked at him the same way again......------------------beer is the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
725122 Posted November 6 Report Share Posted November 6 That's one of the funniest things I've read in a while.------------------AIM - rockervt Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.