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ahhh men....

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Men are like....Laxatives.

They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like.....Bananas.

The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like.....Vacations.

They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like.....Bank Machines.

Once they withdraw, they lose interest.

Men are like.....Weather.

Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like.....Blenders.

You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like.....Cement.

After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like.....Chocolate Bars.

Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like.....Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like.....Commercials.

You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like.....Department Stores.

Their clothes are always half off.

Men are like.....Government bonds.

They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Horoscopes.

They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like.....Mascara.

They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like....Popcorn.

They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like.....Snowstorms.

You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it  will last.

Men are like.....Lava Lamps.

Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like.....Parking Spots.

All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped!


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99 reasons why beer is better than women

1. You can enjoy a beer all month.

2. Beer stains wash out.

3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.

4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car.

5. When beer goes flat you toss it out.

6. Beer is never late.

7. hangovers eventually go away.

8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.

9. Beer labels come off without a fight.

10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.

11. Beer never has a headache.

12. After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime.

13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.

14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.

15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.

16. A beer always goes down gently.

17. You can share a beer with your friends and enemies.

18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer.

19. A beer is always wet.

20. Beer doesn't demand equality.

21. A beer doesn't care when you come.

22. You can have a beer in public.

23. A frigid beer is a good beer.

24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.

25. Beer always comes in multiples of six.

26. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.

27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a beer.

28. After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle.

29. A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty.

30. When your beer is gone, you just pop another.

31. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.

32. Beer looks the same in the morning.

33. Beer doesn't look you up in a month.

34. Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in.

35. Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids.

36. Beer doesn't get cramps.

37. Beer doesn't have a mother.

38. Beer doesn't have morals.

39. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.

40. Beer always listens and never argues.

41. Beer labels don't go out of style every year.

42. Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles.

43. Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet.

44. Beer doesn't demand legality.

45. Beer is never overweight.

46. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.

47. Beer won't run off with your credit cards.

48. Beer doesn't have a lawyer.

49. Beer doesn't need much closet space.

50. Beer can't give your herpes or other nasty things.

51. Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive.

52. Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch.

53. Beer never changes its mind.

54. Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get.

55. Beer never asks you to change the station.

56. Beer doesn't make you go shopping.

57. Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass.

58. Beer will never make you go to a Swedish movie.

59. Beer is always easy to pick up.

60. Big, fat beers are nice to have.

61. Beer doesn't pout or play games.

62. Beer NEVER says no.

63. Beer is easy to get into.

64. Beer never complains when you take it somewhere.

65. Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other beers.

66. Beer doesn't wear a bra.

67. Beer doesn't mind getting dirty.

68. Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity.

69. Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper.

70. Beer doesn't live with its mother. *

71. Beer doesn't blow you off.

72. Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or manners.

73. Beer doesn't bitch, yell, or cry.

74. Beer doesn't mind football season.

75. A beer won't make you go to church.

76. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.

77. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.

78. A beer doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose".

79. A beer doesn't give a toss if you keep a bunch of other beers around.

80. A beer will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials with the babies are "cute".

81. If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.

82. A beer will not call you a sexist pig

83. A beer will never make you see its parents

84. A beer won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.

85. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up.

86. A beer will never stop you from watching Playboy.

87. A beer won't whine that seatbelts hurt.

88. A beer won't smoke in your car.

89. A beer never watchs opera.

90. A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission.

91. A beer will never complain when you disobey nature.

92. A beer is always ready to leave on time.

93. A beer never fishes for compliments.

94. Some beers (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.

95. Beer tastes good.

96. A beer will never accuse you of rape.

97. A beer won't raise any objections to an evening of watchin.

98. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.

99. A beer won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the store.

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