digital7 Posted March 2 Report Share Posted March 2 All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over 48 hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of ass cleansing fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to pick up an order for the wife. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go. I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 1 through 5 for your convenience:1. Occupied.2. Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.3. Shit smeared on seat.4. Shit and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.5. No toilet paper, no stall door, something growing near base of toilet.Clearly, it had to be Stall #2. I trudged back, entered, dropped the trousers and sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful Shitter. I wasn't happy about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. Shitter was blathering to Mrs. Shitter about the shitty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My ass let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent:(1) The next-door conversation had ceased; (2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and (3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench.It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald" fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence."Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??"Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later, in surveying the damage, I'd see that liquid poop had actually managed to ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now, all I could do was hang on for the ride.Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible... throw up...in my mouth... not... make it... tell the kids...love them... oh God..." followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of swear words and gags. My shit-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily into the water. That must have been the last straw. I heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth.As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my shamefulness to my anonymous shit-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to shit in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in a bathroom. And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom.P.S. No this isn't me. I don't think I could be so articulate about my bowel movements. Thanks to Dave for this post on his Xanga. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
philippio Posted March 2 Report Share Posted March 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
howienewport Posted March 2 Report Share Posted March 2 :laugh: I'm going to copy/paste this to random thoughts on the bump board. It must be shared. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phrankadelic Posted March 2 Report Share Posted March 2 this fetish of yours astounds me. got any more stories? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
digitalphoenix Posted March 2 Report Share Posted March 2 hahahahaha!!!! great way to start the morning! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfiorellino Posted March 2 Report Share Posted March 2 Hilarious!Well done Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
digital7 Posted March 2 Author Report Share Posted March 2 nothing better than bowel movements in the mornin'imo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orisha Posted March 2 Report Share Posted March 2 true....wife? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
digital7 Posted March 2 Author Report Share Posted March 2 true....wife?ask Miss Digital Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orisha Posted March 2 Report Share Posted March 2 You know....the last 6 months of my life have been rather self-absorbing...I know the Lazar's got married, that Candy & Felicia got engaged, that Felipe found true love, but I never got the memo of a ...wait a second...there is one...I call bullshit You truly got me on this one...choo bastard! well if there really is a ladylove, she's a lucky girl. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
digital7 Posted March 2 Author Report Share Posted March 2 You know....the last 6 months of my life have been rather self-absorbing...I know the Lazar's got married, that Candy & Felicia got engaged, that Felipe found true love, but I never got the memo of a ...wait a second...there is one...I call bullshit You truly got me on this one...choo bastard! well if there really is a ladylove, she's a lucky girl. she's right under my nose! :heart: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orisha Posted March 2 Report Share Posted March 2 funny I never put two and two together, it's so OBVIOUS.. I'm OB-li-VIOUS lately. we'll see now your bad days at work aren't so bad once you get home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
djfrosty Posted March 2 Report Share Posted March 2 You know....the last 6 months of my life have been rather self-absorbing...I know the Lazar's got married, that Candy & Felicia got engaged, that Felipe found true love, but I never got the memo of a ...wait a second...there is one...I call bullshit You truly got me on this one...choo bastard! well if there really is a ladylove, she's a lucky girl. Don't worry. My friends went thru a spell 5 years ago. I think 7 or so marriages I went to in a summer. I think 3/7 are now divorced. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lolahotass Posted March 2 Report Share Posted March 2 x 1000 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjm Posted March 2 Report Share Posted March 2 P.S. No this isn't me. I don't think I could be so articulate about my bowel movements. Thanks to Dave for this post on his Xanga.Could have fooled me. Didn't seem that way the night of the BBQ @ FLIPS house. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orisha Posted March 3 Report Share Posted March 3 she's right under my nose! :heart: LIAR! hey...I called BS, yo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funketeer Posted March 3 Report Share Posted March 3 And the strongest reason why you shouldn't use your cell phone on a public restroom is because you would like a fucking moron...actually, that would be anywhere you used it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
digital7 Posted March 3 Author Report Share Posted March 3 LIAR! hey...I called BS, yo actually, no!she is right under my nose! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
digital7 Posted March 3 Author Report Share Posted March 3 And the strongest reason why you shouldn't use your cell phone on a public restroom is because you would like a fucking moron...actually, that would be anywhere you used it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjm Posted March 3 Report Share Posted March 3 And the strongest reason why you shouldn't use your cell phone on a public restroom is because you would like a fucking moron...actually, that would be anywhere you used itYou been sipping on the PINE-sol again Funk??? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funketeer Posted March 3 Report Share Posted March 3 You been sipping on the PINE-sol again Funk???nope...but I did brush my teeth with windex this morning, wise guy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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