Thirty-something and single

[dw]

No I'm not, at least on the basis of age, but it's one of the random things going through my mind...

I just find it interesting that in conversations I hear and overhear, it seems that most of the guys in my gf's church who are in that age group and who aren't already married, seem to have this "need" to get a girlfriend (leading on to getting married) - something ranging from intense desire to desparation. Many who meet someone get married within a year (sometimes just a few months), which is a bit short for me.

Is it like this everywhere? Or just in certain circles?

Does society dictate that one must be married by a certain age, or just certain parts of society?

What are the reasons behind this? Peer pressure? Pressure from family? Desire to have kids while they're still young (for whatever reason)? Desire to have legit sex? Desire or obligation to have that grand wedding?

What's so bad about being single, but just older?

Who here is 30-something, single (or with someone, but in no rush to get hitched), and loving it?

[nickijay]

me, thirty something and single....and always freaking out when i meet someone who shows a teeny bit of interest in me....on one hand i want the relationship then on the other i don't...it's much easier when you're twenty something......

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uknj@aol.com

[musicbeat]

I think it has to do with the realization that life is passing by quick, that just playing around has gotten boring and that if you ever expect to have children and see them grow up, this is your last best chance to do it.

Age puts everything into proper perspective for most people and time definitely flies.

[mel-o-d]

Originally posted by dw:

Desire to have legit sex?

I always suspected this of all the mormons.

[stacychase]

I am 31 and have mixed emotions about settling down. I think in our society, it is expected that you will be married and settled in your 30's.... Also people who are married appear to get more respect and taken more seriously... Plus damn they get cheaper car insurance!!!

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Life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forward.

[tastyt]

Society definitely dictates that there is a certain age by which we should all be married; what that age is varies depending on region, religion, sex (women are generally expected to marry younger than men), income- you name it.

Since these men are church-goers, their families are probably religious too. Coming from a religious family, I've often witnesses the pressure applied to my older unmarried relatives.

Interestingly, from my personal observations, it seems that older men (35+) are more likely to be desperate to get married than older women.

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[back2basics]

Originally posted by tastyt:

Society definitely dictates that there is a certain age by which we should all be married; what that age is varies depending on region, religion, sex (women are generally expected to marry younger than men), income- you name it.

Exactly region and religion have lot's to do with it. In the UK the preasure is to get married slightly younger than here (is seems to me). As we know some places are even younger a girl over 20 in some places is well past marying, ok they are developing contries but still.

So that does show that society dictates, people take too much notice of their peers IMO.

[nlichau]

Hell I remember as a little girl always dreaming about getting married-the dress, flowers, friends and family, the "special day" with my "special man". I think I watched too many Disney cartoons.

Society definately plays a serious role-so does family.

Thank goodness my mother never stressed I should get married. I have girlfriends that are obsessed with marrage and finding the right guy.

I think many woman feel like less of a woman if they don't have a ring on there finger.

As do men in some cases.

Remember Wedding Day Barbie?

Its a pretty nice fantacy-but in todays world its very unrealistic!

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As I dance I create my own language... with every beat of my heart is the music I will dance through life to.

[quanto_magnus]

Good subject... I'm a single thirty-something and I have no urge to get married and settle down (most of the time). There are times however, when I admit that it would be nice. Someone there for you 24/7 a companion for life, yadda yadda yadda, but there is also a lot of responsibility that goes along with it...

The last 3 women I dated wanted to marry me so bad that it became part of the reason we broke up. I'm not sure they wanted to marry me, or just want to be married. For at least one of them, I'm sure it is the latter rather than the former... She talks about it incessantly. I frankly don't understand it.

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Hugh

email: ibhugh@yahoo.com

aolim: hugesk8r

[quanto_magnus]

Good subject... I'm a single thirty-something and I have no urge to get married and settle down (most of the time). There are times however, when I admit that it would be nice. Someone there for you 24/7 a companion for life, yadda yadda yadda, but there is also a lot of responsibility that goes along with it...

The last 3 women I dated wanted to marry me so bad that it became part of the reason we broke up. I'm not sure they wanted to marry me, or just want to be married. For at least one of them, I'm sure it is the latter rather than the former... She talks about it incessantly. I frankly don't understand it.

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Hugh

email: ibhugh@yahoo.com

aolim: hugesk8r

[quanto_magnus]

Good subject... I'm a single thirty-something and I have no urge to get married and settle down (most of the time). There are times however, when I admit that it would be nice. Someone there for you 24/7 a companion for life, yadda yadda yadda, but there is also a lot of responsibility that goes along with it...

The last 3 women I dated wanted to marry me so bad that it became part of the reason we broke up. I'm not sure they wanted to marry me, or just want to be married. For at least one of them, I'm sure it is the latter rather than the former... She talks about it incessantly. I frankly don't understand it.

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Hugh

email: ibhugh@yahoo.com

aolim: hugesk8r

[glowball]

Originally posted by stacychase:

I am 31 and have mixed emotions about settling down. I think in our society, it is expected that you will be married and settled in your 30's.... Also people who are married appear to get more respect and taken more seriously... Plus damn they get cheaper car insurance!!!

3

let me tell you i have the same problem but wasnt me , it was my girlfriend who had the problem of this ....... but fuck it . she's missing out!

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[nickijay]

Originally posted by musicbeat:

I think it has to do with the realization that life is passing by quick, that just playing around has gotten boring and that if you ever expect to have children and see them grow up, this is your last best chance to do it.

Age puts everything into proper perspective for most people and time definitely flies.

well that may be true for most girls...and some guys but i don't want kids...this i know for sure, so that's not the problem here....i'm just screwed up in the head...

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Boink like a bunny!

uknj@aol.com

[xtotaleclipsex]

I really cannot answer this from a 30 something year olds point of view being that I am only 18. However, ever since I was a little girl, like many others, I dreamed of finding the right guy blah blah blah and having my father walk me down the isle... and live happily ever after. As I grew up I have realized that things usually never happen the way you plan.

I think that if I am single over 30 I might be a little freaked because I do want kids and I do want to have someone to share my life with. That is just my view on it, but to others, they have different goals and desires.

[xoxalixox]

i feel that part of it definitely as to do with what the norm of society follows. although more and more as we progress into the future the age to do things have seemed to increase. like its good to be independent and live life to its fullest. on the other hand ppl feel life flies by and the sooner to start a family, is better. all in all everyone has differing views, points, and realizations.

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...i've been screamin n cryin n beggin for more...

[dw]

Speaking of region and religion... would you say there's much of a difference in views on marriage between New York and Boston?

There are quite a few people I know there who are pushing 40, if not over it, who are single, and seem to be perfectly happy about it. They talk about occassional dates and past relationships, but don't seem to be eagerly searching for that lifelong mate. If they are, they're good at not making it show. I don't know if it makes any difference but they at least didn't seem to be (in most cases, probably weren't) avid church-goers (or the equivalent for whatever religion they were born into), i.e. people whose primary source of friends (and activities and socializing and more) is church, like the people I mentioned in my first post. I don't mean to come across as ripping on anyone; they're all quite cool people. I'm just expressing my observations.

[This message has been edited by dw (edited 06-14-2001).]

[georgeacasta]

They both have there perks. Being single is great but a little lonely and having a partner is great but can be completely unbearable. Whatever side of the fence your on I wouldn't feel bad. No one is a failure unless you fail in life and turn 30 something without being married or having kids. I'm glad I'm not in that position.

[snappy139]

So hard to find that thing called "chemistry" in a relationship.

[stacychase]

Originally posted by glowball:

Originally posted by stacychase:

I am 31 and have mixed emotions about settling down. I think in our society, it is expected that you will be married and settled in your 30's.... Also people who are married appear to get more respect and taken more seriously... Plus damn they get cheaper car insurance!!!

3

let me tell you i have the same problem but wasnt me , it was my girlfriend who had the problem of this ....... but fuck it . she's missing out!

I'm sorry.. I did not understand what you said about it being your gf problem.. Was it being over 30 or the car insurance???

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Life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forward.

[stacychase]

Originally posted by glowball:

Originally posted by stacychase:

I am 31 and have mixed emotions about settling down. I think in our society, it is expected that you will be married and settled in your 30's.... Also people who are married appear to get more respect and taken more seriously... Plus damn they get cheaper car insurance!!!

3

let me tell you i have the same problem but wasnt me , it was my girlfriend who had the problem of this ....... but fuck it . she's missing out!

Oh, I get it now GlowBall. I am not saying never settle down, I am saying I have mixed emotions. However I am sure that if I met the right person, settling down would be no problem.

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Life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forward.

[cathyo]

Well I'm going to be 30 in October and I've already done the marriage thing...and just out of that institution! I think that society definitely plays a big role but that it is becoming less and less as time goes by. It is def. more acceptable now to not be married than it was 10 or 20 years ago.

On a personal level I think that sometimes people get married to just have a sense of security. There are so many things in this world that you can't depend on so people grasp for what they think they can.

For me, I was 21 when I got married. I rushed into it because I was looking for security. I already had a 4 yr old son and I needed to round out the family. I'm not saying it was all bad. We were very much in love and things were great for the first 5 or 6 years. We were just toooooo young. I think if we had waited much longer it would have had a different outcome.

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~*~*~Don't use time or words carelessly, neither can be retrieved.~*~*~

AIM: cathyoNYC

[freelowe]

Here's the funny thing. I am 36 now. I was stressing more about geting married when I was in my mid twenties than i am now. Right now I have to say I am at the peak of satisfaction with my life. I get paid an amazing salary for doing what I love to do. I travel often. I have a beautiful loft here in manhattan. I am very close with my family. I date occasionally. I just generally sit back and enjoy life. Is there anything wrong with that?

FL

[smileygirl]

This is a great topic. Being single way into your thirty's is not uncommon anymore. If fact, all the women in my office are single and are in their thirties and fourties!! They never married once and are having the time of their lives!! We talk about marriage sometimes and they keep on mentioning that there is no rush at all--you have the rest of your life to get married.

There may be pressure from family but they do this because when our parents were married, they married at 18!!!! Just because you hit a certain age, (which is only a number) shouldn't matter what time in life you get married. I know people that are in their third marriages right now, but wouldn't you want to do it right the first time??

Eventually, i would like to be married, but i'm not going to settle down until I know its right. But my question is, how do you really know its right?? That is the scary part!! Some people i know have married because their spouse was wealthy--(I just attended a wedding where the groom married the girl because he received a brand new house, and the bride just wanted a husband!!!)

This is my theory...as long as i can support myself with a decent job and income, afford my own apartment, food, pay bills, and have money left over for spending, then I am happy and have suceeded in life. Getting married to me is a fantasy that i would like to come true one day, but it is not necessary!!

[ncomodo]

To smilygirl:

I agree with you 100% I just turned 28, and I'm having a great time being single. Most people get married for security.My parents never pressure me to get married, they just want me to be independent and enjoy life.

Originally posted by smileygirl:

This is a great topic. Being single way into your thirty's is not uncommon anymore. If fact, all the women in my office are single and are in their thirties and fourties!! They never married once and are having the time of their lives!! We talk about marriage sometimes and they keep on mentioning that there is no rush at all--you have the rest of your life to get married.

There may be pressure from family but they do this because when our parents were married, they married at 18!!!! Just because you hit a certain age, (which is only a number) shouldn't matter what time in life you get married. I know people that are in their third marriages right now, but wouldn't you want to do it right the first time??

Eventually, i would like to be married, but i'm not going to settle down until I know its right. But my question is, how do you really know its right?? That is the scary part!! Some people i know have married because their spouse was wealthy--(I just attended a wedding where the groom married the girl because he received a brand new house, and the bride just wanted a husband!!!)

This is my theory...as long as i can support myself with a decent job and income, afford my own apartment, food, pay bills, and have money left over for spending, then I am happy and have suceeded in life. Getting married to me is a fantasy that i would like to come true one day, but it is not necessary!!

[mjr203]

Hugh, you are a mad catch! watch out for those golddiggers!

-MJR

Originally posted by quanto_magnus:

The last 3 women I dated wanted to marry me so bad that it became part of the reason we broke up. I'm not sure they wanted to marry me, or just want to be married. For at least one of them, I'm sure it is the latter rather than the former... She talks about it incessantly. I frankly don't understand it.

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