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jprutig

someone please tell me a joke

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I've told it a million times, and it's the lamest joke ever in the history of the world, but it's also my favorite. (So keep your yap shut, bb! ;) )

What's brown and sticky?

A stick!!

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Thank you, thank you. I'm here all week. ;)

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A man goes to a doctor and the doctor says "I've got some good news and bad news for you"

The man says "Ok doc, what's the bad news?"

The doctor replied "You've got one month to live"

The man says "Thats terrible! What's the good news?"

The doctor then says "Did you see that hot blond nurse with the big tits I've got working for me ?"

"Yes..."

"I've been banging the shit out of that for the last two months"

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SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE:

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of

sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able

to come to work.

SURGERY:

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee

here, you need all your organs. You should not consider

removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something

removed constitutes a breach of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can

do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort

should be made to have non-employees attend to the

arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is

necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late

afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your

lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided

you share of the work is done enough to keep the job going

in your absence.

YOUR OWN DEATH:

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at

least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your

replacement.

REST ROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room.

In the future, we will follow the practice of going in

alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin

with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names

begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If

you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to

wait until the next day when your time comes again. In

extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a

coworker. In writing, both employees' supervisors must

approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict

3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes,

an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will

retract, and the stall door will open.

PAYCHECK GUIDE:

The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our

employees better understand their paychecks:

Item Amount

Gross pay $1,212.02

Income tax $244.40

Outgo tax $45.21

State tax $11.61

Interstate tax $61.10

County tax $6.11

City tax $12.22

Rural tax $4.44

Back tax $1.91

Front tax $1.16

Side tax $1.61

Up tax $2.24

Tic-Tacs $2.98

Thumbtacks $3.93

Carpet tacks $1.98

Stadium tax $2.69

Flat tax $8.32

Surtax $3.46

Corporate tax $2.60

Parking fee $7.00

FICA $81.88

TGIF Fund $9.95

Life insurance $7.85

Health insurance $17.23

Dental insurance $5.50

Mental insurance $5.33

Disability $3.50

Ability $1.25

Liability $3.41

Unreliability $10.99

Coffee $16.85

Coffee Cups $66.51

Floor rental $16.85

Chair rental $1.32

Desk rental $14.32

Union dues $25.85

Union don'ts $3.77

Cash advance $0.69

Cash retreats $121.35

Overtime $1.26

Undertime $54.83

Eastern time $9.00

Central time $8.00

Mountain time $7.00

Pacific time $6.00

Time Out $12.21

Oxygen $10.02

Water $16.54

Heat $51.42

Cool air $26.83

Hot air $28.13

Miscellaneous $113.29

Sundry $14.09

Various $8.01

Net Take Home Pay $6.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to

provide a positive employment experience. All questions,

comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations,

aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,

contemplation's, consternation's, or input should be

directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

Your Boss

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Originally posted by silente

I've told it a million times, and it's the lamest joke ever in the history of the world, but it's also my favorite. (So keep your yap shut, bb! ;) )

What's brown and sticky?

A stick!!

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Thank you, thank you. I'm here all week. ;)

I wasn't going to say anything darling. That was cute :puke:

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This is an oldie but goodie

The Five Stages of Drinking

LEVEL 1:

It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool."

LEVEL 2:

It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool."

LEVEL 3:

One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool."

LEVEL 4:

Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an ...after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ....cool."

LEVEL 5:

Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five- the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "......and this time, I mean it!"

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Originally posted by silente

...<raising eyebrow>...<suspicious of compliment from bb>...thank you...

;)

and he caused you darling.. get a room ;)

two flies on the rim of a toilet bowl, one says to the other -

'So it's Saturday, what you doing tonight'

The other says -

'Hanging arround here till i get pissed off'.

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Originally posted by back2basics-

and he caused you darling.. get a room ;)

two flies on the rim of a toilet bowl, one says to the other -

'So it's Saturday, what you doing tonight'

The other says -

'Hanging arround here till i get pissed off'.

Now that was some funny shit. did those flies sound like Hugh Grant too... :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

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Originally posted by bouncyboy

Junior High rocked,

remember doing the running man to "Pump up the Jam" :puke:

wearing Z Cavaricci's and IOU shirts??

woops, sorry Silente, that was probably before your time.

<laughs> <sighs> No, unfortunately I remember all that stuff - I even had a couple IOU shirts. I liked the Hypercolor ones, better - the ones that changed color in the heat. :) <laughs> It was a double bonus if you could find hypercolor IOUs.

...man the early 90s sucked...

...we listened to the New Kids....

:puke: :puke: :puke:

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A young newlywed couple gets in the routine of screwing as soon as the husband walks in the door at 5:15.

One day, the wife gets sick. She starts talking antibiotics and soon there are only three germs left.

The germs realize that unless they get out of her body, they're going to die, so they start discussing their escape plans.

The first says "I'm going to go up in her nose, ans when she sneezes I'll fly out of here."

The second says "I'm going to go up in her eye, and when she cries I'll go out in a tear."

They look at the third who says "When that 5:15 pulls out of here, I'm going to be on it."

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