self esteem

[jy]

Just laying there in bed last night trying to fall asleep my mind started racing and I tried to pin point the root of many insecurities and fears. Not being able to sleep allows me to have the time to analyze and ponder things that I normally wouldn't.

Anyhow, I realized that self esteem is what can make or break a person. I wonder why it is that people have low self esteem (myself included). If it is something that is created over time or if it something that is inevitable.

Did all those comments and put downs from the ex boyfriends lower my confidence and self perception, did all those night where I felt excluded make me feel like less of a person, did feeling unimportant in all my relationships lead to my constant doubt of myself and who I am?

Don't take this as a pity post because it isn't. I just thought long and hard about self esteem and realized that it isn't something that everyone holds. Beauty, good looks, glory and fame arent what make you confident. From the outside most people would assume that i'm a terribly confident person and when I searched within myself I realized that I have a difficult time just being myself due to the fear of being judged.

does everyone has such deep rooted self esteem problems? i'm not saying that I feel this way all of the time but when I do have my off day it's terribly hard to look at myself in the mirror because I fear and loathe the reflection.

(just curious how other people feel about this situation)

[JonStephen]

I'm taking a stab at the dark with this one, but I am willing to guess that you had asshole boyfriends.

I think self esteem stems directly from self confidence, and confidence can be broken very easily and it does take a while to build back up. I don't have any advice because honestly this has never been the issue for me, but I do know that surrounding yourself around non-abusive people and droping friends that are detremental to your well-being is essential.

BTW......take some Kava-Kava and valarium root before you go to bed. That shit works sooooooo good.

[aboyfrombklyn]

I know exactly how you feel. I've dealt with feeling this way every single day of my life. Some days I wish I didn't exist, but then I try to think positive and realize that I really am important to a lot of people and I'm really not that bad. Keep your head up!

[tastey]

hmmmm tough subject. i think low self esteem comes from getting a wrong perception for things in life. like people with low self esteem have a tendency to look at their life and only see the bad things, not the good ones. even when they have so many good things in life they look at the little bad things they have and concentrate on them. that way you always bring yourself down.

so low self esteem could be originated in a self-destrucive or negative attitude/perception a) towards life b)towards others or c)towards yourself.

in an art test our teacher once gave every one of us a white paper with a single little black dot in the middle. then he told us to do an interpretation.

i thought about it for a while then wrote that the little black dot could describe all the negative things in our life, and the white of the paper described the positive things in our life, still most people tend to see and concentrate only on the little black dot (the negative things) and aren´t even aware of the white (the positive things) sourrounding it. i got an A

[siceone]

Originally posted by tastey

hmmmm tough subject. i think low self esteem comes from getting a wrong perception for things in life. like people with low self esteem have a tendency to look at their life and only see the bad things, not the good ones. even when they have so many good things in life they look at the little bad things they have and concentrate on them. that way you always bring yourself down.

so low self esteem could be originated in a self-destrucive or negative attitude/perception a) towards life b)towards others or c)towards yourself.

in an art test our teacher once gave every one of us a white paper with a single little black dot in the middle. then he told us to do an interpretation.

i thought about it for a while then wrote that the little black dot could describe all the negative things in our life, and the white of the paper described the positive things in our life, still most people tend to see and concentrate only on the little black dot (the negative things) and aren´t even aware of the white (the positive things) sourrounding it. i got an A

No offense but I don't think you ever had low self esteem.

My insecurities probably stem from being shit on when I was a kid I grew up with pretty much no friends. The kicker is the moment I tried to get rid of my insecurities they kick my ass harder than ever.

[aboyfrombklyn]

Originally posted by tastey

hmmmm tough subject. i think low self esteem comes from getting a wrong perception for things in life. like people with low self esteem have a tendency to look at their life and only see the bad things, not the good ones. even when they have so many good things in life they look at the little bad things they have and concentrate on them. that way you always bring yourself down.

so low self esteem could be originated in a self-destrucive or negative attitude/perception a) towards life b)towards others or c)towards yourself.

in an art test our teacher once gave every one of us a white paper with a single little black dot in the middle. then he told us to do an interpretation.

i thought about it for a while then wrote that the little black dot could describe all the negative things in our life, and the white of the paper described the positive things in our life, still most people tend to see and concentrate only on the little black dot (the negative things) and aren´t even aware of the white (the positive things) sourrounding it. i got an A

I think you're absolutely right about low self esteem stemming from looking at all the negative things in life, but forgetting about the positive stuff. But what are the reasons behind thinking that way? There has to be something behind it all.

[gambitrah]

have to agree with most of the above statements..had a time in my life when I was engaged to my gf of 3 years and went through a period when i for some reason i was very insecure about myself mostly physically and mentally as well...was sick alot..that type of shit..and right at the height of that my exfiance (from what i can get out of her) didnt feel she should stay and help me with my problems and decided to bail (when the going gets tough and all) and cheated on me with a co-worker...course that didnt do anything to help with my problems and they only got worse...

just made me more of a firm believer that with those things i have to take it head on myself mentally and conquer it myself and not depend on anyone else to help....

so to the guys\girls...is a guy\girl that has high (or low) self esteem that much more attractive\unattractive?

[SPYGIRL3]

I think self esteem/confidence comes from how you were raised and treated as a child. If your parents showed you a lot of affection and told you were pretty, smart, handsome, fun, helpful, etc., etc., they filled you full of confidence and reassurance. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters and my parents are still married. I have never been deprieved of anything I have needed, but I do not always get what I want.... I was raised to respect people and appreciate the things that you have and the things that people do for you, in turn I try to return the favor. That's just my opinion on the matter.

[tastey]

Originally posted by siceone

No offense but I don't think you ever had low self esteem.

My insecurities probably stem from being shit on when I was a kid I grew up with pretty much no friends. The kicker is the moment I tried to get rid of my insecurities they kick my ass harder than ever.

i did have a VERY low self esteem till the age of 15, with almost no friends, being totally introverted (i didn´t even talk with my partents about my feelings, good or bad), classmates in school were picking at me and all the other typical stuff. in short, i was a completely different person. actually i don´t know how i advanced to where i am now, i think at some point i decided to fight when somebody was picking at me and over time it stopped (as we kids grew more mature). with 17 i think it was the success with girls that gave me another push. and believe me, once you´re on the right path you a)won´t be able to get back (if you do there is a clinical term for it: "depression") b)you will advance on that path, it will get better and better.

my advise would be to stop worrying about the insecurities and just accept them, acknowledge they are there, THEN work on them. for example simply write them down on a paper first, then think of little tasks that perhaps would help you get rid of them and write them beneath your insecurities, then make a checklist of what you will do EVERY day till it gets better. doing stuff that scares you is good. for example at a time i was total antisocial and i went to cinemas, clubs and parties ALONE, so that i would have to find some company there. and see where i am now, i can go into a club, walk up to the girl i like best and just start talking with her to see if she is worth my time.

"if she is worth my time", that´s another thing, attitude! IMO that is the crucial part of everything. your attitude will reflect in everything you do or say. develop some attitudes and BELIEVE in them. say "that´s me!"

to give an extreme example of such an attitude take "i am the best that can happen to any women. if a women wouldn´t want to get with me she must be a)stupid b)very stupid". see where i´m getting at? when you walk around with an attitude like that it SHOWS, cause your words and actions will reflect that "i´m the shit" attitude. and when you BELIEVE (not "pretend") to have an attitude for a longer time, it WILL become you. i can tell you from first hand experience.

[tastey]

Originally posted by gambitrah

so to the guys\girls...is a guy\girl that has high (or low) self esteem that much more attractive\unattractive?

i would say yes, people with a high self esteem will be perceived as attractive, cause

a) the people with low self esteem will look up to them and idolize them

the other people with high self esteem will perceive them as "one of their breed".

[gothzane]

Its all about your will to live...and being in the "now" mindset.

You can have the most horrid childhood and the most fucked up past relations. But if you have something to live for, goals, friends, work, hobbies to keep your mind in the "now"

You should be alright.

Your will is your hammer

Your mind is your forge

Craft your mindset as you so desire.

Yes...the past will arise from time to time rusting your thoughts.

Scratching your dreams...leaving scars.

There is not enough time for resentment

There is no time for regrets

No time for tears.

There is only the "now"

The future will come when it gets here.

But it will come sooner then you think.

Time is the only foundation.

Everything chages.

[notallthere]

After I kill myself at the gym and on the tread mill I feel better about myself and just life in general. It chemically helps your brain improve you outlook on things, I may go in feeling like shit but I always walk out feeling renewed

[romy20]

Well my low self esteem comes from when I was little. Even up until highschool. In grammer schoool I used to be kinda overweight, bad hair, and I really dind't have any friends except for one good friend, and she was considered a "loser" too in grammer school. Plus my dad always used to make remarks about my weight, and even though he was just kidding around even I would just laugh it off, I still remember what he used to call me and it really did hurt. Then in highschool things were a little better because I lost weight, and found some friends. But I was never in the "cool" group of people. And whenever that group of people talked to me, its like I'd feel priveleged because they were actually talking to ME. And I would try and act different from my normal self so that maybe they'd like me more.

I mean dont get me wrong I wasnt this big dork in school like I got along with everyone and everyone consdered me to be a very nice person but I was never with the cool crowd I guess.

Even now like I have alot more friends and go out alot, but I still feel that I should only talk to "certain" people, or that certain people should talk to me cause Im not up to their level or something. Or like if I'm not wearing makeup or dressed nice, I feel like everyone is going to think im ugly and will not want to talk to me. Cause I mean when I wear makeup and stuff and get dressed up, I feel good about myself I guess, but without it I feel like I cant go out in public.

I dunno there's just so much more stuff but thats just some I guess.

[SPYGIRL3]

Originally posted by notallthere

After I kill myself at the gym and on the tread mill I feel better about myself and just life in general. It chemically helps your brain improve you outlook on things, I may go in feeling like shit but I always walk out feeling renewed

I always feel so much better after a workout..... One of the best to naturally feel better....

[jy]

it's just so hard to deal with some days, and others it's perfectly fine

[tastyt]

I'm going to venture that your self-image wasn't terrible healthy before you started dating these verbally abusive guys. Low self-esteem becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy- you feel you're worth nothing, so subconsciously you're attracted to people who treat you like you're nothing; because they treat you so poorly you only feel worse and worse about yourself.

I don't think the issue will ever be completly gone; it's like anytime I forget about it, suddenly there it is again. I don't know if I can give very helpful advice though. I just do my best to keep things in perspective; it gets easier as I get older, I guess.

[SPYGIRL3]

This thread is depressing......

[cdeep]

My low self esteem is derived from my small pecker.

That is all.

[SPYGIRL3]

Originally posted by cdeep

My low self esteem is derived from my small pecker.

That is all.

that could cause some issues.....

[jy]

Originally posted by SPYGIRL2

This thread is depressing......

granted this is a depressing subject but it's a realistic problem that most people fight with and sometimes are too shy or ashamed to admit to.

[phuturephunk]

. . . . I've been introverted for as long as I can remember. . . mostly due to the fact that I was morbidly obese for all of my childhood and am still overweight as an adult . . .

. . . Combine that fact with the cruelty of children and abuse on the home front and you've got one heck of a case of hating the world on my part . . .

. . . Complete lack of self esteem has been a theme throughout my entire life, and now as an adult, with full faculties to change my current situation and attain . . no, EARN my happiness, I refuse to do so because every time my mind or soul or whatever wakes up and says "Today we're gonna make ourself better" some little voice that has plagued me for years . . . decades now even . . . comes right to the forefront and shoots all that down . . . It's an unending cycle of doing nothing about it and lamenting the fact that I do so . . .

. . . Self Esteem does make the person, but you've got to BELIEVE it . . . Anything less and it's a sham . . .

[SPYGIRL3]

Originally posted by jy

granted this is a depressing subject but it's a realistic problem that most people fight with and sometimes are too shy or ashamed to admit to.

I know, it sukc that people sometimes feel this way about themselves. Some of te coolest, down to Earth people I have met say they have issues with self esteem, but I would never guess. I also supposse that the company you keep either improves or worsen the situation....

[jy]

exactly, but at my age it isn't exactly easy to ditch your friends and make new ones. I find that after you leave highschool and get out into the working world it's harder to make new friends.

People tend to already have their groups of friends and it's hard to get included or accepted into it for that matter.

[SPYGIRL3]

Originally posted by jy

exactly, but at my age it isn't exactly easy to ditch your friends and make new ones. I find that after you leave highschool and get out into the working world it's harder to make new friends.

People tend to already have their groups of friends and it's hard to get included or accepted into it for that matter.

I found the opposite to be true for myself, but I do see where you are coming from. I don't think you should ditch your friends, especially if they are people who you are comfortable with in all aspects.

By chance if you do really click with someone, he or she will have no problem assimulating you into their circle of friends.....

Keep Smiling:)

[jy]

always do