Top 40 reasons men fail in bed...

[johnnyb04]

Some of these are pretty funny (of course though, they would never

apply to me)

Ladies, what do you think?

1. NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

2. BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

3. NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.

4. SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

5. BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.

6. TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7. IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.

8. GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

9. LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10. ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

11. STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12. UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

13. GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14. BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

15. MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16. UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

17. TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks first.

18. GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool -she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

19. GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

20. COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21. NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

22. ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask.

23. PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flickingyour tongue on her clitoris.

24. NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

25. NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.

26. MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.

27. TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

28. MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29. ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.

30. TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

31. NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

32. SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS. There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

33. ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

34. LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.

35. GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

36. BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.

37. TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.

38. NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

39. SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

40. THANKING HER. Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

WITH THAT BEING SAID....GO OUT AND HAVE A GOOD TIME KIDS...REMEMBER TO ALWAYS BE SAFE!

[ou812]

Shame on you for apparently being a man and posting something like this.

[johnnyb04]

lol

you're probably right this time

[somebitch]

that was cute. good tips

[shortkat5]

cute - some i can relate to but #41 should be: don't lick her ear like its a dam ice cream cone ugh

[crowina]

really good advice!

[weyes]

fuckin'-a !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[nekokaburi]

now someone do a "top 40 reasons why men get bored of fucking you" type thread

most of the stuff in this list applies to women too... for example, just laying there while they do all the work... i've known more than a few who did that... drove me nuts, till i taught them better

[sarasonya8]

lol

[lalate]

Here's 10 .....

1. SUCKING DICK

You gotta suck it, not just lick it. We dont care if your ex likes it that way. Youre with us tonight.

2. DEEPTHROATING DICK

You gotta suck it the whole way, and at least gag trying. We dont care if youve never sucked a dick this big before. Tonight youre in the big leagues, come up to the plate.

3. EATING NUTS

Dont forget the nuts. Introduce yourself to them. They are anxious to meet your mouth.

4. ASS GRABBING

When your on ur knees sucking dick, grab our ass and push our dick into your mouth further.

5. SLUTTY EYES

When youre on ur knees sucking dick, reach up and grab our chest and look at us with the sluttiest face you can make.

6. OH BABY

Remember to talk. We're fucking a chick, not a mime.

7. SHAVING

If you want us to enjoy going down on u, get the lawn mower out and rid of the forest.

8. RIDING

If youre riding us, dont think that means you get to sit there and have us do all the thrusting work.

9. HAIR

Youre geting nailed. So give us fair warning if the hair we are about to yank are extensions that are gonna fall out in our hands.

10. WARNING

If we bust one down your throat at the end without warning, no need for you to tell us to warn you next time. We're guys .... there wont be a warning next time either.

[nekokaburi]

lol awesome

add some more...

EARS. Yes we know your ears are not handles, just be thankful we arent pulling your hair.

BLOWJOBS. No they are NOT optional. If you dont do it, we'll find someone younger, prettier, and dirtier who will. (Just look at Bill and Hilary... you just KNOW that her lips never touched a cock)

EX BOYFRIENDS. Yes we know you've had them, and no, we do not want to hear how they fucked you to oblivion. If you want to give us pointers, do it, but dont tell us who taught them to you, we really dont want to know.

HEADACHES. Headaches do not last for 12 months, and if they do you need to see a doctor. If you're not in the mood, say so. But nobody can be 'not in the mood' all the time unless they've got problems or are getting it someplace else. (which we soon will be if that shit keeps up)

[SuGaRNSpIcE]

wheres my highlighter?!?!?!?

[starchild2010]

ok.... let's see

here's a response to Nr 10 Warning:

You think there's no need for warning befor you bust down our throats...ok....

you know what there won't be a next time then.

Nr 7 the shaving part:

well, see....as much as you dislike going through a jungle with your toungue, the same goes for us. Do you think I like it to fish for your pubic hair in my mouth every 5 sec. and have it poking up my nose while I'm down there??????

and there's one more thing I have to add :

If I suspect that I'll get lucky ... I make sure I wash myself after the last time I went to the bathroom, befor he goes down on me. So how about some of you guys take that advice to heart as well, cause nothing is more of a turn off then having to smell the last dried drop of urin on your dick.

[lalate]

lol.

Lets continue.

THE DICK. All us guys luv to get our dicks sucked. So when Mr. Dick comes out and waves hello, dont be saying, "oh do you want something?" unless youre trying to be funny. Hello! We want your mouth on it. Its a dick. It's meant to be sucked. We want you to hold it and look at it and be happy its yours, all yours. Dont hold it and get that worried look on your face look like youve never put one of these things in your mouth befor, like its some strange monster from Lock Ness.

THE GIRLFRIENDS. When you go to call your girlfriends 34 seconds after we left the font door, even before we are down the friggen driveway, to tell them how good we just nailed you, do us a favor. Dont be calling us guys up 2 hours later and telling us how you called your girlfriend and talked about the new tea cup set at Pottery Barn and your new nail polish holds up in the rain. Helllo! Tell us why you really called your girlfriend, to brag to her all the dirty details and how you luved it.

[lalate]

ok.... let's see

here's a response to Nr 10 Warning:

You think there's no need for warning befor you bust down our throats...ok....

you know what there won't be a next time then.

Nr 7 the shaving part:

well, see....as much as you dislike going through a jungle with your toungue, the same goes for us. Do you think I like it to fish for your pubic hair in my mouth every 5 sec. and have it poking up my nose while I'm down there??????

and there's one more thing I have to add :

If I suspect that I'll get lucky ... I make sure I wash myself after the last time I went to the bathroom, befor he goes down on me. So how about some of you guys take that advice to heart as well, cause nothing is more of a turn off then having to smell the last dried drop of urin on your dick.

Youre correct. And most people forget ... bath soap (in the bottle) lasts longer and smells better cuz your FRIGGEN clean. Some of us do get aroused by smelling fresh, cleaned bodies.

[silverbull]

its all about confidence in yourself to please a lady and responding to her body language. With that everything is orgasmic.

[tanyalover]

its all about confidence in yourself to please a lady and responding to her body language. With that everything is orgasmic.

and vice versa

[nekokaburi]

here's another...

If you dont dress/look/act like a playboy model, dont expect us to act like soap opera guys.

[nomembername]

its all about confidence in yourself to please a lady and responding to her body language. With that everything is orgasmic.

BEST POST EVER!!!!!

[eunich]

I canna make dem happy in bed, they laugh when i take my pants off. i have no dick. i'm dickless. im good with me tunge doh.

i canna even:

[Guest brwneydtrouble]

Youre correct. And most people forget ... bath soap (in the bottle) lasts longer and smells better cuz your FRIGGEN clean. Some of us do get aroused by smelling fresh, cleaned bodies.

Gardenia Lily from Bath and Bodyworks.

[nSyNcBaBy]

lol awesome

add some more...

EARS. Yes we know your ears are not handles, just be thankful we arent pulling your hair.

news flash.... we'd MUCH rather u pull our hair than our ears darling...

[lalate]

Gardenia Lily from Bath and Bodyworks.

< just bought a week's supply and a roundtrip airline ticket to FL lol

[nekokaburi]

lol Lina i'd think most would prefer we dont do any real pulling at all, but i got that one off a list someone sent me a while back, one of the older "guy's rules" things.

[nSyNcBaBy]